I couldn’t save my dad



This is my story. In an attempt to find others out there that feel like me so I won’t feel so alone even though I’m sitting by so many people.

January 2022 my dads worker didn’t show up. My dad “ Dave” was a palm tree trimmer. His helper would just be cleaning up after him. I live next door so he walks over and says come work with me. First half of the morning was great. Second half is ok for about 15 minutes until I hear my 72 year old dad yell and as I turned around saw him rolling fast into the deep end of a 12 ft swimming pool with his equipment on. As I snatched his shirt thinking I would pull him toward the edge. The weight from the metal around his waist, knees down and around his Steel-toe boots pulled me in with him. We fought together for a minute or so. I pushed him up and over for air but that weight kept pulling us down. Someone heard me yell for hell and called 911. An Amazon guy and a neighbor showed up but did not help. At this point my dad was unconscious asleep at the bottom of the pool and I could no longer breathe. I tried to get out of the pool and couldn’t I had nothing left in me. I yelled again pleading for help everyone just stared. I ripped off enough clothes to pull myself out of the pool looked at my dad and ran. I found the kindest man as soon as I hit the front yard. He soaked in every word I cried and we ran back together. Before I knew it he had one of my dads feet out then a strong wind of firefighters reviving my dad. It took 4 firefighters and the tall neighbor to get him out of the water. He was dead. Under water for 3-5 minutes. They brought him back just to tell us to let him go because he’d be a vegetable. To save story time. We didn’t accept that and had him home walking and talking in July even though they said he has to have brain damage. Now after all of that. We find cancer in his pancreas and he’s decking fast. I always suffered from anxiety depression and adhd but now I have ptsd from not being able to safe my dad and I’ve been working really hard with therapy medication meditation exposure therapy. But at this point my shaking from ptsd is out of control. And I dont know how to feel right now.
@Ereycar Good start to your diary and I am sorry you experienced the drowning of your Dad. Thing is you did save him and the important thing is to work through this and realize what you did or did not have control of. I hope you find this site healing and helpful as you move forward. I am also sorry to read about the cancer diagnosis.
Rescue swimmer here… You did amazing. And you did everything right.

Feeling this shredded, in this much pain, afterward? Doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. Or would feel better if you’d somehow done something differently.

It’s perfectly natural to associate doing right with feeling good, and feeling badly with doing wrong. But that’s not the way life works. Not unless you are insanely lucky. For most of us? Childbirth is screaming pain, breakups no matter how necessary cause heartbreak, doing everything you can to save a life leaves you feeling shattered.