• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

I Defend People Who Hurt Me

Status
Not open for further replies.

open eyes

Confident
Diagnosed with CPTSD due to many sexual abuses, molestations & a sexual assault.

I noticed my habit recently: I defend people who treat me wrong. I've been doing it since I was abused for the first time at age 6.

-I constantly told myself that it was okay what they had done to me, & when I confronted them a few months ago- I couldn't even bring myself to be angry. I felt bad for THEM. I started crying over the phone with one of them, not because of what I had been through the past 10 years, but because I was upset that they felt guilty.

-I was bullied through elementary school by a girl, but when my mother went found out, I started telling her not to do anything about it because I didn't want this girl to get in trouble. Even though she was so mean that I had stopped going to school & was becoming depressed.

-My ex-boyfriend was emotionally abusive to me, but I didn't even realize how bad he had really treated me until after I broke up with him. For one, he accused me of lying about being sexually abused, & it triggered me into a meltdown so bad that I had to go inpatient...

This whole mess occurred to me today because I caught myself defending him when one of my friends called him a scumbag.

There have been many other smaller instances where I've done this but these were a few of the ones that are vivid in my mind now. Why do I feel guilty for people who mistreat me? Does this even make sense? Any comments would be appreciated!
 
open eyes-I dont have the answer but I just posted Bad Picker, and you sum up what I said much better than I did. My post is too long, yet I just needed to express the fear I am currently having for have dated a creep. Im sorry that I am a little blank about your situation at the moment.

It sounds like you may feel responsible for the outcome of others, and you are trying to control the outcome. It is very protective of those you do not deserve your protection. I have done the same, but not sure why. When others point out their bad behavior, I want to say-but.....For me it is very damaging.
 
I understand. It reminds me of the Stockholm Syndrome where prisoners come to identify with those who imprison and abuse them. The abusers don't have to do the abusing anymore. The prisoners will perpetuate it on their own. But with your awareness, this can change.

Co-Dependent No More helped my awareness. Melodie Beattie wrote it I believe.
 
@franciemarnie 's suggestion of Co-Dependent No More is a great one. Melody Beattie has written several good books on co-dependence.

The good news is that you're aware of how you are feeling and reacting by defending your abusers. I had no idea until my T got annoyed and asked me why I always defend the people that hurt me. I had no idea that I was doing it. With the knowledge now I am working on boundaries as well as trying to get a more healthy perspective on people in my life (and people I don't want in my life).

As for defending an ex-boyfriend, one thing that comes to mind is how sometimes, when we get some distance and time away from a relationship, we tend to remember and think of "the good times" with that person and sort of downplay the bad ones.

Try not to feel guilty about feeling guilty. If you don't have a therapist I would recommend finding one that can help you process not only your traumas but also help you look at your relationships.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top