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I Did It. Why Do I Feel So Horrible Now?

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Neverthesame

MyPTSD Pro
I am hiding in a toilet stall at work. I had a driver try everything possible to make me lose my temper at him. It was absolutely deliberate, he and have never gotten along.

He showed up 2 hours early with a a massive load I didn't have room for. He hid the paperwork for the driver that was supposed to be there. Who had showed up on time.

I made him wait a while. As I caught up on some paperwork. The entire time I was doing that, he stood beside me, with his face a few inches from mine glaring at me. I stayed calm. Finished the paperwork.

Started the offload, same crap. Got in my way, did the exact opposite of every instruction I gave him. I still stayed calm. I was shaking in rage, but I stayed calm.

I didn't realise it untill it was done and he left. I was clenching my jaw so hard I broke at least one tooth.

I did it. I didn't lose my shit. I feel awful. Not just the pain, I don't know whether to vomit, cry or smash the shit out of this f*cking bathroom I'm sitting in. At the same time I feel numb. Trying not to start carving into myself (self harm not suicide).

I won't bother going to management, they won't help. They never do. I'm the problem employee.

I feel like I did that night. Staring at the wreck in front of me. I don't know what to do. I hate this.

Why did I take this job? This was such a stupid idea. I'm trying to stay grounded. Feel like I can't get enough air. I hate this. Don't hyperventilate. Breathe. Probably shouldn't post this.

I hate this.

If this the wrong place,, feel free to move it. Hands are shaking to5 much to type anymore on this phone.
 
I have gotten myself put back together again, for the most part.

I actually managed to finish my shift. Don't remember much, I just went on autopilot for the rest of the day.

Mouth is killing me. Why isn't lidocaine available over the counter? Probably because idiots like me would do their own dental work.

Anyway, I think I'm ok now. Hopefully I don't have a repeat of last night anytime soon. That was alot closer to a full on meltdown than I care to get.
 
I'm sorry to hear that, right now I'm having trouble breathing at my job too. I often listen to music but I wish people didn't need ne at work, perhaps that's everyone's dream. Work is so much harder for me this past year since I started having memories, flashbacks and nightmares of CSA. Blah! Sucks. I'm glad you made it through, thank you for sharing.
 
You probably feel awful because that was hard, stressful, and generally exhausting. Sounds like you did good to make it through as well as you did. I hope you can have a pleasant rest of the day!! Give yourself some kind of reward, you deserve it. (I wonder if you can file a worker's comp claim for the tooth? It WAS work related!)
 
@Jnean Thanks for reading.

Listening to music helps me get through the day as well.

I'm with you on the being needed aspect. It's nice when you're feeling stable, as it adds some much needed importance to an otherwise pointless job. The flipside of course is. When you don't feel well, no one will leave you the hell alone.

@scout86 Your probably right on all accounts. Though I kind of doubt I could claim comp for the dental work. (nice idea though. Maybe if I had bitten the driver...)
 
@scout86 Ha. Touchè.

I am quite glad it didn't turn physical. This guy was twice my size (of muscle). If it had turned into a fight, that honestly (and I hate to admit this) I would have most likely lost.

I know size isn't everything, but I was also too angry to think clearly. I would have likely left myself open and off balance. Good way to lose.

Fortunately, none of that happened. It's kind of interesting to ruminate on though. That and the fantastical idea of whooping some muscle bound trucker is somewhat amusing.
 
My husband was a loader/leader in a steel mill and he told me that most truck drivers are stupid. Can so relate to what you went through, my husband was always coming home from work telling me about the truckers getting in his way so he could not get his job done. I do hope that this makes you laugh because I think you did awesome with this guy. So very proud of you. I never before really understood about most truck drivers being stupid until now. He would often lose his temper with them and like you management pretty much left him on his own to deal with them and do the job he was supposed to do.
 
@gizmo Thank you. You're quite right, they can be rather lacking in smarts.

About a month ago, I began to notice I was giving the same drivers the same instructions over and over and over and over and over and over...... Some of them for years now. Not complex things either, simple stuff like:
  • Don't ring the damn door buzzer after I was outside breaking the security seal. I know you're there. I know you're coming in. It's policy, it always has been.
  • Do not stand on the equipment, pallet stacks, that narrow gap by the door or 3 inches behind me.
  • I know you need to take the little perforated bit off the bottom of the ID sticker. (one of the most ridiculous busywork policies I have ever seen, anywhere.)
  • Do not open the door to the outside. The alarm will go off. You need the key card.
  • Do not shove past me through the door. It's f*ckING RUDE!
  • Do not spit on my floor.
  • Do not throw garbage on my floor.
  • No. You may not use the forklift. If I don't trust you not to climb on it. What makes you think I will let you drive it.
  • I don't care if you have been driving for ten years, your truck is facing the wrong way round. (I swear to God this actually happened.)
  • Do not attempt to prevent a double stacked pallet of rice, sugar, flour, cat litter, rock salt, etc, etc. From falling over. You will die.
  • Do not stand under a pallet on my forks, you will die.
  • Do not jump between my forklift and the pallet, you will die.
  • A stupid f*cking sticker isn't worth dying for! For f*cks sakes.
  • The paperwork needs to be filled out in duplicate. That means I am going to write the same thing on both copies, you do not need to stand an inch away from me while I write. Bugger off.
  • Get off the phone. I find it impossible to imagine that anyone actually wants to talk to you for hours on end. I also know the the difference between a professional call and shooting the shit. I don't need to speak your native language to figure out which is which. I do not believe you when you say it is your dispatch. (and I have done this) I also have your dispatchers number, when I phone them and ask if they are talking to you, when they say no. I definitely know it is a personal call.
Oh dear, that was longer than I thought it was going to be. Lol.
 
  • Do not attempt to prevent a double stacked pallet of rice, sugar, flour, cat litter, rock salt, etc, etc. From falling over. You will die.
  • Do not stand under a pallet on my forks, you will die.
  • Do not jump between my forklift and the pallet, you will die.
  • A stupid f*cking sticker isn't worth dying for! For f*cks sakes.

Gotta ask, cuz I'm the asshole at work who 'has a hard on' for safety: what's the UK version of OSHA? Can you call em and report stupidity? Seriously, Your folks need a few training sessions

All that said, and I actually hope this makes you smile just a bit: You can't fix stupid. At some point, (hopefully not on your watch and not in your dock) Darwin will catch up with these motherf*ckers.
I work with loud mouthed, rude, rough assholes a good bit as well.
I'm really sorry that the idiots above you won't help.
I really am.
 
@desiderata310 We have OHS here. I am not entirely sure if reporting to them would work. I don't doubt that I can, but you usually only hear of their involvement after something has gone catastrophically bad.

Also, these drivers are not employed by us. They work for an independent company contracted by our corporate office. If that makes any difference, I've no idea.

There is also the (I don't know this for fact, but it's possible) risk of being sacked as a whistle blower.

I also need to consider how much of this is an actual big deal, and what is being distorted by my own issues. The things you quoted are, obviously.

Fortunately, my company no longer cares about how long it takes to offload trailers. This gives me the ability to halt what I am doing, have the argument then carry on when the driver eventually figures out that I am not negotiating.

The worst of the bunch are from a distribution centre in the other end of the province. These out of town drivers are payed by the trip, so the more trips they can fit into their 16 hour driving limit the more they make. This makes any work stoppages expensive, which provides ample motivation for them to shut up and do as their told.

Unfortunately this is also the reason they show up early and employ intimidation and other unsavoury practices to attempt to speed things up.

The other drivers are paid by the hour, but still work for the same company. It's not unusual for this guys to intentionally be a little "late".

Before our management turned into a bunch of whiny lazy little assholes. I used to be able to tell the early driver to move his truck, make way for the scheduled load.

The last time I attempted this, the driver refused to move. I had just returned to work from my suspension. I was under a very large microscope. Any behaviour on my part deemed as aggressive or hostile would result in me being sacked. So I asked my manager for assistance. Instead of backing me up, he threatened to fire me in front of the driver. This was my first real test of my newly acquired anger management skills. I have never wanted to hit someone so badly in my life. This was also the day I started only speaking when spoken to. I did not speak to that particular manager for the rest of his time working here. I don't think he noticed. Lol

This particular manager was shortly thereafter offered a job to run one of the company's franchise locations. Should be making somewhere between $80,000 - $90,000 a year. He's 24 years old. :grumpy:

Would sell his own mother for a pack of crisps, if he thought it was a good deal.
In other words, a steaming pile of :poop:. Carefully disguised to look like a human. Anyway..... Started off on a tangent there whoops.

At work right now, writing this when I get a free minute here and there. While doing some paperwork I did remember an incident that happened a few years ago at one of the other local DC's. Where Alberta OHS was involved.

A 18 year old kid was working there overnight, his job was to inspect the trailers that need to be moved. Part of this job is to remove a special kind lock that fits over the trailers 'king pin' so it can be coupled to a tractor.

Nobody really knows how, but when he was doing this with another driver to pick up the trailer somehow he ended up being run over and killed.

The subsequent investigation by police and OHS, ruled it an accident. The warehouse shut down about 6 months later. I believe for unrelated reasons.

I am going to post as is, as it is getting rather lengthy. I certainly hope I never have to witness the wrath of Darwin. I can say with certainty that for as long as I am working here I will be watching not just where I'm going. But everyone else as well. Safety is #1. Who wants to die or be crippled for a something as silly as a paycheque?
 
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