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I didn't go to work today.

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FauxLiz

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I woke up when my alarm went off but I couldn't go in today. I woke up from a nightmare I couldn't remember but the terror had my body feeling as though I was vibrating from head to toe and I couldn't drag myself out of the terror. I thought I would just take the morning off but it ended up being the kind of day where I couldn't leave the house. I hate feeling like this, I hate the fact that that I get so scared of things I can't even remember that I can't function, that I don't want to function. During my therapy session last week I mentioned that lately all I want to do is numb out to not feel anything and it was like he didn't understand what I was saying. Tomorrow I can't afford to not go to work but I really don't know how to do it. I just want to disappear.
 
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I have a ton of days that I just don’t want to go. But financially I don’t have a choice. What helps most of the time is having something planned for right after work that you really, really enjoy and can get excited for. My after work specials are hiking, yoga, swimming, favorite restaurant, getting nails done, whatever fits you. It helps with making it through the day if you have a shiny and pretty light at the end of the tunnel.
 
@Kubash16 that is a great idea but for tomorrow I have at least a 12 hour day ahead of me more likely 14 hours due to evening work commitments that will include eating lunch and supper at my desk. I try to have something to look forward to but often the only thing I look forward to is just getting home and away from people.
 
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So far today has sucked, I struggled to focus, didn't accomplish a lot had a low level panic attack going all day I started to reach out to my T but I didn't know what to say, started to reach out to my P-doc but again what am I going to say. Every time my mind started to wander today it has been to SH or SI.

I think one of the things that has been bothering me the most today was tabulating results for some of my performance appraisals and several responses after 6 months was that I am not a risk-taker which I am not but my job is not one for risk takers and in a 90 min interview, job description, hiring profile nothing when they were hiring said they wanted a risk taker and I feel like I am already failing at this job.
 
How are you doing now, any better? I just wanted to say I totally know how such days feel. Of course none of us can really do too many days like that for financial reason, you can take some here and there. But I know how that feels, I have such days sometimes. And the worst part is that usually the more I need to work(because there is a deadline or I need the money or something) the harder it is to get out of such state, for me at least. Hope you're doing better!
 
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I think one of the things that has been bothering me the most today was tabulating results for some of my performance appraisals and several responses after 6 months was that I am not a risk-taker which I am not but my job is not one for risk takers and in a 90 min interview, job description, hiring profile nothing when they were hiring said they wanted a risk taker and I feel like I am already failing at this job.
So if your job specifically wants someone steady who doesn’t make big gambles (whether they pay off or not) AND performance review had come back that you were a risk taker? Have you considered that might be a black mark against you?

Or -if on a spectrum- is this something you can use to your advantage? A way to move more towards the sweet spot? Neither being entrenched in old ways, nor throwing caution to the wind, but creatively moving forward?

Risk taker
Innovative (neither risky nor afraid of taking chances)
Risk averse
 
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@SeekingAfrica sorry but I guess you could say I am not doing better. I was headed into a weekend where every hour was looking to be longer than the last when out of the blue my T sent me an email that he had a cancellation for Monday night would I be interested. I said yes. I had a really rough weekend strange erratic things that kept me busy, hung pictures that I still hadn't unboxed since I moved in 4 1/2 months ago, cleaned the kitchen and partially rearranged it. I read a book this weekend that was so poorly written I have no idea how it was published. It literally would end a chapter and the next chapter would have no transition with missed time, characters that appeared or disappeared as though pages were missing and in all got to the end and they wrapped up the entire 250 page story in a 5 page chapter that left you feeling completely lost. I guess it was a good metaphor for my weekend because my actions were every bit and erratic, mixed and jumbled up and I doubt if anyone other than me could have made sense of my weekend.

Thing is, I can't make sense of the weekend I was pretty suicidal most of the weekend but of all things I talked myself out of it because I feel as though I am so fat I didn't want anyone to have to try and stuff me into a casket let alone find pallbearers to carry the damn thing. I don't know if I am going to mention any of that in session tonight it kicks up all of my shame, embarrassment and guilt about who and what I am so I probably should but for the shame embarrassment and guilt for thinking and feeling that way.

I am having car issues again which I can't afford on top of the brake work for it that I can't afford and being overwhelmed at work I honestly don't know what to do anymore or why I even bother it honestly is getting harder and harder to believe my kids are better off with me in their lives when I do stupid crap like mess up my son's health insurance (caused him to lose coverage fortunately his dad had double covered him so he isn't completely without just has crappy insurance now), just another big freaking disaster that I caused
 
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