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I didn't say no, but i didn't say yes.

Discussion in 'Sexual Assault' started by vmva12, Jul 31, 2017.

  1. vmva12

    vmva12 New Member

    I was hanging out with this guy I know. I know him well, we were really close friends. He's always had a girlfriend, so that's all we've ever been, friends. Recently they broke up and he came over to hang out. I told myself nothing would happen.

    As the night progressed he was getting closer and closer, and definitely flirting more. We hadn't been drinking, we were completely sober. Eventually he started kissing me and a bit of foreplay began. The human response in me had me playing along, so I didn't stop. He then took off my pants and he took off his too. I asked if he had a condom and he said no. I immediately showed discomfort in the idea of unprotected sex. I said, "thats a big problem," and "I don't think this is a good idea." He reassured me that it would be fine, and I didn't want to continue, but it just started. The intercourse lasted all of 5 minutes before I finally had the guts to say I wanted to stop.

    I know in my head I didn't want to, but I feel like I didn't express is well enough to him. My words indicated I didn't want to, but my actions derived but my natural arousal said otherwise. Either way now I'm worried because we had unprotected sex, even for just a short amount of time. I don't know what to think because I feel like its my fault I didn't say enough, or back up my words. I'm lost, panicking, and beginning to blame myself.
    Mach123 likes this.
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  3. WishfulThinking123

    WishfulThinking123 Well-Known Member

    When you were having sex and you said no he stopped right? That's good, that you did eventually say no and you should feel proud of yourself. Before you had sex you did say
    In the future I know this is hard but, I think it would be better if you said "no" more firmly and take out the think.

    If he had a condom would you have regretted having sex with him? My take from this post is the biggest issue was him not wearing a condom? Yes, he should have respected your wishes for a condom but, he did respect you when you told him to stop in the middle of sex. I would take this as you made a mistake and didn't state your boundaries firmly enough. However, no need to blame yourself! It has happened to me more times than I would like to admit... Maybe you should just work on what to say if you find yourself in a similar situation and go into the situation knowing your boundaries firmly. Or, maybe next time make sure to have a few condoms in your purse just in case? Again-no judgement this kind of thing has happened to me, it is something you can learn from. However, I wouldn't consider this "sexual assault" as my take is you wanted to have sex with him just not without a condom and he reassured you it was ok and then you continued and he stopped when you asked him to.
    TexCat and Simply Simon like this.
  4. minirini

    minirini Member

    I can understand why you'd be panicking. Please get tested for STDs and pregnancy. It's better to be safe than sorry.

    I think the issue of finding fault isn't the right way to go about it, because it doesn't make people feel better. You said yourself that you could have spoken to him more clearly and enforced your boundaries more firmly. He did stop eventually, which is good. You're aware of what you could have done, and know what you need to work on. Is there a friend you could discuss this with and talk about how to enforce boundaries? If you have a therapist, you could even role-play a situation in which you clearly and firmly tell him no, and tell him to stop.

    I know you feel terrible about it, but you're not to blame, though nor was he. Neither of you did anything wrong. You did tell him to stop, and you expressed your discomfort about having unprotected sex. You just need to be more firm about it.
  5. TexCat

    TexCat Not a cat or a native Texan. Banned Donated

    We all make plenty of mistakes through life when it comes to dating and sex. Be gentle with yourself. This scenerario makes me think of when I am in the heat of the moment with my h and he asks, "how risky is it right now?" Meaning where am I in my cycle/pregnancy risk. My answer is "always a risk!!!!!!!" No condom, you aren't going in!!! If on birth control and dating.. same deal!

    Boundaries. Soooooo. Important for so many reasons.
    WishfulThinking123 likes this.
  6. 8888

    8888 I'm a VIP

    First off, it's certainly not your fault. To consent, you have to agree, just because you didn't say no doesn't mean you consented, you certainly didn't. Like the others suggested I would get tested for STDs. So sorry to hear you went through this. :hug:
    User88 likes this.
  7. User88

    User88 New Member

    If she said “I don’t think this is a good idea “ she is CLEARLY trying to say no. It’s not easy for all women to just say NO directly to a man in this situation.
    Why is it always the woman’s responsibility to make sure she’s saying no loud and clear to him? Why isn’t it equally the man’s responsibility to check whether he’s obtained consent properly or not? If a woman is showing any kind of doubt to a man about having sex with him, he shouldn’t go ahead anyway just because she’s not saying the word NO directly to him.
    13ReasonsWhyNot likes this.
  8. Friday

    Friday Raise Hell Moderator

    She also CLEARLY wanted to be having sex with this guy, the problem was the lack of a condom, not lack of desire. In point of fact she wanted to have sex win him so badly that she did have sex with him for several minutes before reason overrides passion.

    That’s not sexual assault, and not rape. That’s learning to put future problems (pregnancy, disease) ahead of instant gratification. It’s a hard thing to learn, for most people, especially with hormones and already being hot & heavy... it’s why most people who know better have had unprotected sex at least once. Figuring out your own boundaries / limits is part of the learning process. That’s completely natural. No one does everything perfectly all the time.

    She had doubts, went for it, changed her mind, they stopped. <<< That’s actually a GREAT example of being respected, and having your choices respected.
  9. EveHarrington

    EveHarrington _______ in progress. Premium Member

    ...because saying “I don’t think this is a good idea” is not the same as saying “no”.

    I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I’ve said/thought “this isn’t a good idea” and done it anyway (because I wanted to).

    If I can’t communicate clearly and say “no” when I mean “no”....that’s on me.
    LuckiLee, Sietz, FragileGlass and 3 others like this.
  10. User88

    User88 New Member

    Hmmm it doesn’t seem right to me that she’s said to him she doesn’t think this is a good idea and he’s taken that as consent and gone ahead.
    It seems like he’s made that decision for her.
  11. EveHarrington

    EveHarrington _______ in progress. Premium Member

    On the flip side, saying something isn’t a bad idea doesn’t mean I want to do it.

    I don’t think we should be blaming other people for not reading between the lines and interpreting what we say......when we don’t say “no”.
    somerandomguy and FragileGlass like this.
  12. shimmerz

    shimmerz My silence spoke a thousand words you never heard Premium Member

    I am assuming the OP is an adult. The above quoted statement seems to be out of a 'Mind Reading 101' class. Since when are men supposed to be mind readers? And how can someone CLEARLY try to say no?

    Because @User88, not sure if you are a man or a woman, but STD's are not a gender matter - so females as well as males need to take that into account when making these grown up decisions. Also, last I heard, men can walk away from an unplanned pregnancy making the woman responsible for aborting the child, or giving birth to the child and raising a child on their own or giving them up to a foster/adoption system that pumps out extremely damaged 18 year olds by the time they have aged out of that system.

    Tthe OP was one of two adults in that situation. Being an adult means making choices that take this into mind
    Having sex with someone is a responsibility. A very large responsibility. Not being able to say no shows that the adult has left the building and there may be one hell of a mess to clean up. Or lives of a potentially unborn child destroyed.
    Sietz and somerandomguy like this.
  13. FragileGlass

    FragileGlass Active Member


    We live in a society where the #metoo movement co-exists when every 3rd or 4th woman on public transit was reading 50 Shades of Grey when it was the hot trend. In this sensitive heightened environment it is very scary to approach incidents like this with ‘misconduct’ and ‘assault’ mentality. There are times when both parties need to be accountable for their actions.

    It’s absolutely impossible to read between the lines when it comes to intimacy if clear boundary and communication isn’t established. Which may have worked in a situation like this. The desire was there, the protection was not.
    Mach123, shimmerz, Sietz and 2 others like this.
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