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I do not deserve the help or to recover, because i'm worthless.

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disconnect

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This is something I was talking about with my T in my last session. Since I was very, very young, my parents have always told me I'm pathetic, useless, horrible and worthless. I feel like everything I try, I will fail at, because I've had in carved into my mind from an early age that whatever I do will never be good enough, that if I do something, I will do it wrong and/or something bad will happen to me and if something goes just slightly wrong, I will be labelled as 'bad' and 'naughty'. I feel worthless. I don't believe I deserve to be helped or deserve to recover. Whenever something goes wrong, I'm automatically conditioned to cry in the corner, like I've done something really awful and feel like a pathetic, worthless piece of shit. When I get shouted at, I feel like that scolded little girl again, that's had someone screaming in her face, hitting her and spitting venom at her. I'm so angry and so vulnerable right now and I don't believe I deserve to be here.

:wall:
 
I guess all I can say right now is, "I hear ya."

It is really difficult to fight those internal voices, but fight we must. The consequences of not fighting them constantly is usually being victimized again, suicidal again, and not making any progress whatsoever.

That being said "I hear ya."
 
Hi disconnect,

I'm taking a coffee break right now from housecleaning and I happen to see your thread.

First of all, you are worthy recovering. Every body is, including you !

I don't know your age but it's important to take distance to what our parents like or not like. I've been mentally abused my self since I was child, but mostly it was about heavy disciplinary and negligence, ignoring/blaming while bad bullying in school and so on. I understand your thoughts you are expressing and I recognize your feelings of not being worthy to feel well for some time before I got my Ptsd debut. Then I had to fight to survive under another circumstances and I no longer had time to ponder about what others think or felt.

I think it is much a matter of choice first of all. Will you or will you not fight this ?

In my case I was so bad no choice was given me from above.
You should be angry at your parents. I think you need to.

I have hard time forgiving my mother for what she has done or more to say what she has not. There is no room for her opinions anymore, now it's me who disciplines her big time. (She does not understand Ptsd).

Take care
Blackpearl
 
Hey disconnect, are you my sister? Were we raised by the same parents? I know it's hard to forget what we've been taught, but you know what? We have got to say fu#k that and pick oursleves up and carry on.
 
Thank you so much for the responses here. I feel so connected to you guys. It's so difficult to filter out those voices of negativity, as they scream so much louder than I can. I've been working so hard to fight this and I feel constantly drained and exhausted. It's horrible to on one hand really, really want to recover, but on the other, the voice are telling me I'll never succeed and everytime I fail, it just reinjects that poisonous venom. I hate the memories. I hate hearing their voices. I hate still screaming for my Mummy at night at 25 years old, when I hate her so much and am still completely insensed with over many things. I'm so sick and tired of this, I want to be better, but I don't deserve to be. I don't understand.
 
While I do not experiance thinking I am not worth recovering anymore (I used to until my therepist then fiancee drilled it into my head that I am worth it to recover...) with just about everything else, I feel useless. My whole life, my parents have told me that I didnt do anythin right or that I was a screw up among other things. Anymore, I am starting to get better, but it is taking so much effort... In time, you will come to realise you ARE worth healing and recovering, and in time you will realise you are worth so much more than that too! Much more.
 
I think it's since my EMDR T session that I've been feeling so vulnerable and fragile. It's like that layer above wanting to get better, is feeling worth getting better and filtering out those voices of my parents and not dissociating when those feelings come back.

I need a cuddle.
 
I couldn't help be to respond but I'll give you a bit of insight that I have grown to understand. I have been there where you are at. The self hate that I had was so intense that I felt like I would eating myself from the inside out. I know that sounds odd but it was that deep and palable. I spent many, many hours of each waking day for years, spewing venom at myself and wanting to end it all. I dug myself out of that hell of self abuse which took years to do. But....when I was able to get some perspective on it, I realized that I was continuing the abuse carried over from my abusers. Now....that made me do a double take. I guess that is where the term "self abuse" really defines itself. I never saw it that way before. It helps to see that you are separate from what happened to you. You were once a child that needed, wanted affirmation, love and protection, your parents failed in the worst way. You were not responsible for that. You were a victim but don't allow their victimization of you to continue through your own self abuse. Does that make sense? God bless....

onlybygrace
 
That was an amazing post onlybygrace. I definately identify with it. Thank you for writing that. It's so difficult to stop thinking so negatively about myself. It's so hard to feel worth something when you feel like you're worth nothing. I pretend sometimes, but I don't think I ever really have done. There's always that voice inside my head. Their voices. I want them to stop, so I can move on, but I have to move on, in order for them to stop.. you know? I hate this process. I'm trying so hard, but I feel that whenever I lose my way, they're always there laughing at me.
 
Disconnect......I too have been where you have been. The only person you have to worry about pleasing is yourself and what matters is how you see yourself and not by others who are in no position to judge. Don't mentally torment yourself by "what you think" and live by "what you know" about yourself. It took me 20 years too long to realize that the people I worried most about, who were supposed to care about me the most, were only concerned about themselves and rather than lift themselves up it was easier to bring me down. The moment I accepted this (actually decided 'enough') was the moment I felt a ton of bricks lift off my shoulders as I no longer had to live up to their expectations nor worry about what they thought or would say as it really doesn't matter.

I hope you work it out sooner than I did as I kept hoping that one day they would change and looked for every glimmer of hope. The reality is that that you control your own life and only you can change yourself and you can't change anyone else. Good luck.
 
Ah....boy can I relate...man....it was a day in day out battle for me. It is something that you won't believe at first and you do feel like you are pretending...if you can view it as punches directed back to those "mean voices" and just fight, you'll make some headway. It's a slow process and it takes work but you are using energy anyway but it has been all negative. So why not do a switch? You are now your best friend and you are worth it, so fight for it! Those voices which I think they called it the superego in the psych world, well, they have no real power or control over you. You have been listening to that all your life and it's hard to separate who is who or what is real. Believe me, I know. I can be humble enough to say, I don't do any of this hardly at all. Now and then when I have been triggered or something happened, I'll spend a few precious minutes, sometimes an hour berating myself. Your life and time is precious, if you can view it that way, boy, you are way ahead of this game. Now the ticket is to practice, practice and do it. When I started this, it was a battle, believe me. I can relate to a person with OCD. When you fight against those "tapes", it feels like you just can't do it but don't believe it, press on. I am here today to say that it's possible. God bless

onlybygrace
 
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