I don’t know how to help myself, situation with parents is overwhelming

Mandaden

New Here
Hi there. I’ve come to this group because I’ve tried everything and I don’t know what to do next to try to get better. I hope someone will take the time to read this. I will try to break my life down in order of events as it’s long and complex

Childhood - toxic parents, parents constantly argued, their needs were put before mine, my mamma always looked after me whilst they worked. Dad called me tree trunk legs, mum hit me when she felt like it, age 15 I hit her back when she hit my leg with a brass mirror, got pregnant at 14 and 15 second time on the pill, went through both terminations without them knowing then took an overdose, got bullied at school for three years by same girl, at 16 hit her back and got suspended. Constantly being threatened to be kicked out at 18 so moved out, mum cried. Split up with first love after 4 years Went completely off the rails took lots of drugs. Sorted myself out, got back together for a further 4 years but after finding out he had been cheating I ended the relationship for good

Early 20’s violent relationship for three years, lost 3 stone, put on anti depressants then took overdose of them, woke up in hospital, had a few sessions of counselling

26 Met first husband, after a year had a bad argument and drank a bottle of vodka and took another overdose. Turns out this was because my doctor had taken me off the antidepressants too quickly. Got married at 30, two years later he left me after having his head turned by a 19 year old, spent a whole month smoking and drinking

Late 30’s violent relationship for 6 months. Nearly strangled to death, thankful my best friend was in the house at the same time.

3 months after that relationship 3 years of mental abuse from another man. During this relationship I started counselling age 40. During this counselling I realised my father was a narcissist and I had been mirroring in my life my parents marriage because it was my norm. I was diagnosed with cptsd stemming from childhood trauma and abusive relationships in adulthood. My symptoms were avoidance of places, jumpiness, severe nightmares, insomnia and self medicating with alcohol. The counselling gave me the strength to end this relationship for good.

Age 41 another 3 year relationship where I became a fixer yet again. Found out after 2 years my partner was a cyber sex addict, tried to get him help but you can take the horse to the water and all that. He wasn’t a bad person, he himself had a narcissist mother and had been neglected. That relationship ended a year later but I had fell out of love with him anyway as the dynamics had become me parent him child relationship.

Age 44 started counselling again and still having it. Met the love of my life. Literally two peas in a pod. Very similar childhoods, a narcissist father and a functioning alcohol mother who sadly passed away 11 years ago. We met when he left his wife after 18 years of mental abuse. We love and support each other every day, him more me as he has been lucky and not developed cptsd. We are getting married next year and he has given me the most wonderful step child. My heart is full in that respect.

Age 46 went on two holidays with my parents, first holiday was pulled down and fat shamed by my mother, second holiday dad lashed out at me and spoke to me with such an evil face and aggression and mum defended him. There’s more to it but this has been long enough so that’s it in a nutshell. I’ve not spoken to my parents since end October last year, I’ve realised I’m not dealing with just one narcissistic parent but two. Not once has my mum tried to contact me in 5 months. My dad has rang twice but I’ve let it go to answerphone as they’ve made me ill. The messages have just been hoovering techniques to get me to contact him without him apologising. I see everything so clearly now and their behaviour. The old me would have been in contact by now but I feel that I can’t have a relationship with them without an apology. Narcissistic people don’t apologise though do they.

Since October my cptsd has been horrendous, I am jumpy, not sleeping, having severe nightmares again, drinking too much, worrying all the time that something will happen to one of my parents before this situation is sorted out whilst trying to be strong and setting boundaries. I have lost direction in life and feelings of happiness are short lived then I’m consumed with thoughts and worries again. I have put a lot of weight by trying to use food and alcohol as pleasure. I throw myself into work and work too much as a distraction. I just don’t know what to do to get myself back on track. This situation with my parents is consuming me. Help 🥲
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
I can relate to how you describe your feelings in relation to your parents. I've worked, and an still working on, a lot with that with my T.
My T suggests the healing is coming to terms and fully accepting that their lack of love and care is as a result of them, and not you. Feeling and knowing that in every part of you. Sounds like cognitively you know that, as you know they are narcissists and treat you badly. But perhaps on a deeper emotional, child part, of you, there are those messages you gave or they gave you as a child, that hold the responsibility and blame.

They no longer have power over you. You have power in how you respond to them
Re-framing things really helps me.
To see that their negative comments/bullying/manipulation is their sadness, their insecurity, that it is their games, and you don't need to step into that game, or respond to it.

Don't know if any of that makes sense?

One thing my T said to me, in relation to them not contacting me on my birthday (one of the manipulation tactics they play where I begin to worry about whether they will or won't), that really helped me was that "you are more than how your parents treat you". That just resonated with me and helped to take off the power they had about me worrying whether they would phone or not. Just lifted it. It didn't matter if they phoned or didn't phone, because there is so much more to me.
Hope something like that helps you.
 

Mandaden

New Here
Yes it makes complete sense. I’m angry one minute and want to scream at them for the life I’ve had and scream at them for every horrible comment, then on the next breath I am feeling sad and lost and the neglect from my childhood comes back. I’m on a constant state of trying to distract with things and thinking about it. I feel helpless with what to do.

We are more than how they treat us definitely. I’m sorry you have had to experience this too. I am an empath so feel things deeply. I also have days like today where I have no motivation to do anything when I’m not working almost like self neglect
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
I’m angry one minute and want to scream at them for the life I’ve had and scream at them for every horrible comment, then on the next breath I am feeling sad and lost and the neglect from my childhood comes back. I’m on a constant state of trying to distract with things and thinking about it. I feel helpless with what to do.
Yeah, I get that. The cycle of grief. They are all healthy emotions to feel and let out.
I think there is always a (sometime elusive!) Balance between letting the feelings out so that they pass, and feelings the feelings and then being stuck in them. Or frsutrated with ourselves for feeling them, and then fighting the feelings and ourelves, which then creates more feelings, and a cycle of stuckness or helplessness happens. It's horrendous.

There are ways out though. With compassion. And time.

Hope you find ways through.
People on here help me, so hope you find help here too.
 
Do not participate in a relationship with your parents out of moral obligation. I only recently realized that my father is a narcissist. I begged him for years to have a relationship with me but he resented me for being the first born and not being male. I even purposely tried to make myself more like a son and spent years being a tomboy. When I tried to kill myself a week before I turned 18 he walked into my hospital room and said "what are you pulling this shit for? You know I have to be at work. You're not depressed, quit playing" . My father is convinced that I'm an overly dramatic attention seeker who makes up lies. I realized at age 30 that all I ever was to him was a disappointment and inconvenience, and 6 months after I turned 30 I cut him off for good. I told him that I appreciate that he always provided financially for my brother and I - that he kept a roof over our heads and fed us, but he did the same for the dog - that's not parenting, that's not love. Sometimes it's far less painful to be an orphan, than to continue to interact with people who only leave you feeling negative about yourself at the end, than to participate out of moral obligation - because they're you're parents and you're "supposed to".
 
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