Hi there. I’ve come to this group because I’ve tried everything and I don’t know what to do next to try to get better. I hope someone will take the time to read this. I will try to break my life down in order of events as it’s long and complex
Childhood - toxic parents, parents constantly argued, their needs were put before mine, my mamma always looked after me whilst they worked. Dad called me tree trunk legs, mum hit me when she felt like it, age 15 I hit her back when she hit my leg with a brass mirror, got pregnant at 14 and 15 second time on the pill, went through both terminations without them knowing then took an overdose, got bullied at school for three years by same girl, at 16 hit her back and got suspended. Constantly being threatened to be kicked out at 18 so moved out, mum cried. Split up with first love after 4 years Went completely off the rails took lots of drugs. Sorted myself out, got back together for a further 4 years but after finding out he had been cheating I ended the relationship for good
Early 20’s violent relationship for three years, lost 3 stone, put on anti depressants then took overdose of them, woke up in hospital, had a few sessions of counselling
26 Met first husband, after a year had a bad argument and drank a bottle of vodka and took another overdose. Turns out this was because my doctor had taken me off the antidepressants too quickly. Got married at 30, two years later he left me after having his head turned by a 19 year old, spent a whole month smoking and drinking
Late 30’s violent relationship for 6 months. Nearly strangled to death, thankful my best friend was in the house at the same time.
3 months after that relationship 3 years of mental abuse from another man. During this relationship I started counselling age 40. During this counselling I realised my father was a narcissist and I had been mirroring in my life my parents marriage because it was my norm. I was diagnosed with cptsd stemming from childhood trauma and abusive relationships in adulthood. My symptoms were avoidance of places, jumpiness, severe nightmares, insomnia and self medicating with alcohol. The counselling gave me the strength to end this relationship for good.
Age 41 another 3 year relationship where I became a fixer yet again. Found out after 2 years my partner was a cyber sex addict, tried to get him help but you can take the horse to the water and all that. He wasn’t a bad person, he himself had a narcissist mother and had been neglected. That relationship ended a year later but I had fell out of love with him anyway as the dynamics had become me parent him child relationship.
Age 44 started counselling again and still having it. Met the love of my life. Literally two peas in a pod. Very similar childhoods, a narcissist father and a functioning alcohol mother who sadly passed away 11 years ago. We met when he left his wife after 18 years of mental abuse. We love and support each other every day, him more me as he has been lucky and not developed cptsd. We are getting married next year and he has given me the most wonderful step child. My heart is full in that respect.
Age 46 went on two holidays with my parents, first holiday was pulled down and fat shamed by my mother, second holiday dad lashed out at me and spoke to me with such an evil face and aggression and mum defended him. There’s more to it but this has been long enough so that’s it in a nutshell. I’ve not spoken to my parents since end October last year, I’ve realised I’m not dealing with just one narcissistic parent but two. Not once has my mum tried to contact me in 5 months. My dad has rang twice but I’ve let it go to answerphone as they’ve made me ill. The messages have just been hoovering techniques to get me to contact him without him apologising. I see everything so clearly now and their behaviour. The old me would have been in contact by now but I feel that I can’t have a relationship with them without an apology. Narcissistic people don’t apologise though do they.
Since October my cptsd has been horrendous, I am jumpy, not sleeping, having severe nightmares again, drinking too much, worrying all the time that something will happen to one of my parents before this situation is sorted out whilst trying to be strong and setting boundaries. I have lost direction in life and feelings of happiness are short lived then I’m consumed with thoughts and worries again. I have put a lot of weight by trying to use food and alcohol as pleasure. I throw myself into work and work too much as a distraction. I just don’t know what to do to get myself back on track. This situation with my parents is consuming me. Help 🥲
Childhood - toxic parents, parents constantly argued, their needs were put before mine, my mamma always looked after me whilst they worked. Dad called me tree trunk legs, mum hit me when she felt like it, age 15 I hit her back when she hit my leg with a brass mirror, got pregnant at 14 and 15 second time on the pill, went through both terminations without them knowing then took an overdose, got bullied at school for three years by same girl, at 16 hit her back and got suspended. Constantly being threatened to be kicked out at 18 so moved out, mum cried. Split up with first love after 4 years Went completely off the rails took lots of drugs. Sorted myself out, got back together for a further 4 years but after finding out he had been cheating I ended the relationship for good
Early 20’s violent relationship for three years, lost 3 stone, put on anti depressants then took overdose of them, woke up in hospital, had a few sessions of counselling
26 Met first husband, after a year had a bad argument and drank a bottle of vodka and took another overdose. Turns out this was because my doctor had taken me off the antidepressants too quickly. Got married at 30, two years later he left me after having his head turned by a 19 year old, spent a whole month smoking and drinking
Late 30’s violent relationship for 6 months. Nearly strangled to death, thankful my best friend was in the house at the same time.
3 months after that relationship 3 years of mental abuse from another man. During this relationship I started counselling age 40. During this counselling I realised my father was a narcissist and I had been mirroring in my life my parents marriage because it was my norm. I was diagnosed with cptsd stemming from childhood trauma and abusive relationships in adulthood. My symptoms were avoidance of places, jumpiness, severe nightmares, insomnia and self medicating with alcohol. The counselling gave me the strength to end this relationship for good.
Age 41 another 3 year relationship where I became a fixer yet again. Found out after 2 years my partner was a cyber sex addict, tried to get him help but you can take the horse to the water and all that. He wasn’t a bad person, he himself had a narcissist mother and had been neglected. That relationship ended a year later but I had fell out of love with him anyway as the dynamics had become me parent him child relationship.
Age 44 started counselling again and still having it. Met the love of my life. Literally two peas in a pod. Very similar childhoods, a narcissist father and a functioning alcohol mother who sadly passed away 11 years ago. We met when he left his wife after 18 years of mental abuse. We love and support each other every day, him more me as he has been lucky and not developed cptsd. We are getting married next year and he has given me the most wonderful step child. My heart is full in that respect.
Age 46 went on two holidays with my parents, first holiday was pulled down and fat shamed by my mother, second holiday dad lashed out at me and spoke to me with such an evil face and aggression and mum defended him. There’s more to it but this has been long enough so that’s it in a nutshell. I’ve not spoken to my parents since end October last year, I’ve realised I’m not dealing with just one narcissistic parent but two. Not once has my mum tried to contact me in 5 months. My dad has rang twice but I’ve let it go to answerphone as they’ve made me ill. The messages have just been hoovering techniques to get me to contact him without him apologising. I see everything so clearly now and their behaviour. The old me would have been in contact by now but I feel that I can’t have a relationship with them without an apology. Narcissistic people don’t apologise though do they.
Since October my cptsd has been horrendous, I am jumpy, not sleeping, having severe nightmares again, drinking too much, worrying all the time that something will happen to one of my parents before this situation is sorted out whilst trying to be strong and setting boundaries. I have lost direction in life and feelings of happiness are short lived then I’m consumed with thoughts and worries again. I have put a lot of weight by trying to use food and alcohol as pleasure. I throw myself into work and work too much as a distraction. I just don’t know what to do to get myself back on track. This situation with my parents is consuming me. Help 🥲
