I don’t really know what’s going on anymore

hi,

when I was younger I often had issues with sleeping, staying asleep, falling aslee. I also used to sleepwalk. I was diagnosed it’s a sleep disorder when I was around 10. It really doesn’t have anything to do with what Im going to explain but I guess it’s somewhat valuable.

ever since I can remember I was scared of everything, I couldn’t go into stores without worrying about getting kidnapped, raped, attacked, etc. I was absolutely terrified of anything you can think of. my early childhood memories are a blur, when my parents got divorced I was five, since neither of my parents had the finances to own or rent a house my dad started living with some of his work buddies, and my siblings and I lived with my mom, at a family friends house. They were married and had two kids, one of them is about two years older then I am, the other was about my brothers age. My mom wouldn’t be there often because she had to workpenal the time to be able to move out. I believe most of my trauma roots in that house. I only remember glimpse, my mind has blocked out a lot, I remember eating corn dogs for dinner every night, I hate corn dogs, I’ll never eat one again. The woman i called my aunt would make me sit at the table for hours if I didn’t finish, I remember sobbing, looking down at my plate which had an untouched corn dog rotting there. I was five, they wouldn’t offer anything else so I would go hungry a lot. Despite the corn dogs it wasn’t exactly that important, it’s not something that changed my life it’s just something my small mind couldn’t handle. Like I mentioned before they had a son roughly two years older then I was. He often molested me. He would tell me to touch him, and he would pin me down and claim that he wanted to teach their dog how to “mate.” he often pulled his penis out and tried to make me touch it, he’d also touch me inappropriately. Once his father walked in on when he was touching me. Nothing was done, I was punished for it, he made me drop my pants and whipped me. Several years later I grew up to be anxiety ridden, and suicidal thoughts started plaguing my mind in middle school. I only remembered the abuse when I was 14, it all came back as an intrusive thought. I never told anyone, but when I spoke up about it it was during my stay at a mental hospital, I explained In group and cps was called, while I was still in the hospital apparently two cops came by my house and asked about there family. But that’s the last I’ve heard of it. I don’t intend to try to start a case or anything, that truly scares me. I dont want to bring those things up, it makes me feel gross, and it’s hard to talk about.

that’s just a brief explanation on my trauma. Anyway nowadays I’m unable to tell dreams from reality, sometimes I remember something that no one else remembers, and only then do I realize it was a figment of my imagination, this affects a lot of things because sometimes I beileve something that never happened. When I started noticing this I was afraid of real memories just being fake, I can’t tell what’s real and what’s fake anymore. When I do sleep my dreams are vivid, and very realistic, sometimes I’m afraid to fall asleep because of my own dreams. my therapist pointed out that I dissociate more often then I knew, but my current diagnosis doesn’t aline with my thoughts. I don’t know what to do anymore, I feel like everything is an incredibly long dream, I don’t remember what I do in an average day, I dont eat often either. I’m on three medications, they Help with my anxiety, I’m no longer terrified of the public. I just don’t know how to tell my therapist my feelings, she thinks I’m doing okay, i don’t want to let her down, or be a burden. But I just don’t know what to do anymore and it’s becoming suffocating.

thanks for reading

I apologize for typos, its 3 am and I’m not in the right mind
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
I'm sorry you are going through this. I hear the confusion, frustration and tiredness in your post.

I remember something that no one else remembers, and only then do I realize it was a figment of my imagination,
If someone else doesn't remember, does it mean it didn't happen? Do you trust that they are telling you the truth that they don't remember?

I just ask because my family will twist the truth to their version, and that made me doubt my memories. And I had memories come back in dreams. And it's all led to a constant doubt of myself about what is real and what isn't. And , for me, I've come to the conclusion that if something comes back to me and it's fragmented and doesn't feel 'real', it means, for me, it's more likely to be real.

I don't know if that reasonates with you. But these things that you think aren't real, why would they be a figment of your imagination?
They may be, which might mean you need more support? Or they might be real, which might mean you need more support?
 
I'm sorry you are going through this. I hear the confusion, frustration and tiredness in your post.


If someone else doesn't remember, does it mean it didn't happen? Do you trust that they are telling you the truth that they don't remember?

I just ask because my family will twist the truth to their version, and that made me doubt my memories. And I had memories come back in dreams. And it's all led to a constant doubt of myself about what is real and what isn't. And , for me, I've come to the conclusion that if something comes back to me and it's fragmented and doesn't feel 'real', it means, for me, it's more likely to be real.

I don't know if that reasonates with you. But these things that you think aren't real, why would they be a figment of your imagination?
They may be, which might mean you need more support? Or they might be real, which might mean you need more support?
It’s more of the little things that people wouldn’t care to lie about, like a small childhood memory, or something that could’ve but didn’t happen a couple months ago. I appreciate the advice and I’ll talk to my therapist about it.
 

StillPen

Confident
I am new here too, so I want to commend you for having the courage to post your truth. We had some similar experiences. Mine were with family members. My memories are sometimes very benign (a memory of being in my cousins backyard), but I would be overcome with intense panic, fear, urge to escape...I have to trust that there are events behind the benign memory that my brain is not ready to handle yet. I used to be able to shop in a store, now I fight panic attacks when shopping. I had to take meds to suppress the nightmares for a while to differentiate what was real from dreams and my dreams included things that could not not have possibly involved me. I've received much feedback that adults with childhood sexual abuse have explicit, vivid nightmares that may or may not include events from their past. I encourage you to continue working with your T and to realise that you are NOT a burden to them, their hope is to work with you to help you cope in healthy ways and get better. I also encorage posting your positive experiences here on the forum for others who, too, are struggling. It helps me know I'm not alone and that getting through my extreme days might help others get through theirs. Finally, your experience is yours. Your brain is trying to make sense of an appalling situation no child should ever have to endure. Be gentle and kind to yourself. And, know we are with you in mind and spirit.
 

azariy

New Here
hi,

when I was younger I often had issues with sleeping, staying asleep, falling aslee. I also used to sleepwalk. I was diagnosed it’s a sleep disorder when I was around 10. It really doesn’t have anything to do with what Im going to explain but I guess it’s somewhat valuable.

ever since I can remember I was scared of everything, I couldn’t go into stores without worrying about getting kidnapped, raped, attacked, etc. I was absolutely terrified of anything you can think of. my early childhood memories are a blur, when my parents got divorced I was five, since neither of my parents had the finances to own or rent a house my dad started living with some of his work buddies, and my siblings and I lived with my mom, at a family friends house. They were married and had two kids, one of them is about two years older then I am, the other was about my brothers age. My mom wouldn’t be there often because she had to workpenal the time to be able to move out. I believe most of my trauma roots in that house. I only remember glimpse, my mind has blocked out a lot, I remember eating corn dogs for dinner every night, I hate corn dogs, I’ll never eat one again. The woman i called my aunt would make me sit at the table for hours if I didn’t finish, I remember sobbing, looking down at my plate which had an untouched corn dog rotting there. I was five, they wouldn’t offer anything else so I would go hungry a lot. Despite the corn dogs it wa employee monitoring sn’t exactly that important, it’s not something that changed my life it’s just something my small mind couldn’t handle. Like I mentioned before they had a son roughly two years older then I was. He often molested me. He would tell me to touch him, and he would pin me down and claim that he wanted to teach their dog how to “mate.” he often pulled his penis out and tried to make me touch it, he’d also touch me inappropriately. Once his father walked in on when he was touching me. Nothing was done, I was punished for it, he made me drop my pants and whipped me. Several years later I grew up to be anxiety ridden, and suicidal thoughts started plaguing my mind in middle school. I only remembered the abuse when I was 14, it all came back as an intrusive thought. I never told anyone, but when I spoke up about it it was during my stay at a mental hospital, I explained In group and cps was called, while I was still in the hospital apparently two cops came by my house and asked about there family. But that’s the last I’ve heard of it. I don’t intend to try to start a case or anything, that truly scares me. I dont want to bring those things up, it makes me feel gross, and it’s hard to talk about.

that’s just a brief explanation on my trauma. Anyway nowadays I’m unable to tell dreams from reality, sometimes I remember something that no one else remembers, and only then do I realize it was a figment of my imagination, this affects a lot of things because sometimes I beileve something that never happened. When I started noticing this I was afraid of real memories just being fake, I can’t tell what’s real and what’s fake anymore. When I do sleep my dreams are vivid, and very realistic, sometimes I’m afraid to fall asleep because of my own dreams. my therapist pointed out that I dissociate more often then I knew, but my current diagnosis doesn’t aline with my thoughts. I don’t know what to do anymore, I feel like everything is an incredibly long dream, I don’t remember what I do in an average day, I dont eat often either. I’m on three medications, they Help with my anxiety, I’m no longer terrified of the public. I just don’t know how to tell my therapist my feelings, she thinks I’m doing okay, i don’t want to let her down, or be a burden. But I just don’t know what to do anymore and it’s becoming suffocating.

thanks for reading

I apologize for typos, its 3 am and I’m not in the right mind


I think you should tell everything to your therapist. I assure that you won't let her down or be a burden for her. On the contrary you will be able to get rid of all your problems
 
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