I Don’t Understand. I Hate it. I Said She Was the Problem.

Mechanic

New Here
I have gotten a new job. It was bad at my last job. They didn’t like me. They knew I had it. They knowingly triggered my symptoms. They wanted me to snap. Probably so they could fire me.

I have left. We have left. Since leaving I have been blaming her for the way I am feeling. I am sorry. I shouldn’t. She is wonderful! She is sooooooooo AWESOME! I have brought her down. I didn’t mean to. I am sorry. She is the love of my life. She is so beautiful! So wonderful! The best person ever! I have failed her. I have treated her really badly.

My therapist said that knowingly triggering someone’s symptoms is psychological torture. My wife is worried that it is going to start again at this new job. That was it.

It’s not, but she expressed her concerns. Instead of talking about it, I blew up at her. I blamed her. I said she is stressing me out. I blamed her some more. I said I’m stressing because of her. This and that. Okay, I said my limbs are weakening. I said I have trouble concentrating. I can’t even fix a simple thing. She texted back asking me to breathe. Saying she loved me. I’m such a horrible person. I didn’t text back. I don’t get it!

I love her! She is the best! My uncle has passed away recently. This added to my symptoms. I’m trying to fit in here at my new job. I’m trying to get over what my therapist said and my uncle. I guess I didn’t need to hear that I will be “tortured” here?

But, I hate this. I hate hurting those that I love. I said things that shouldn’t have been said. I should have said things differently in response. And get this, she is still with me. I love her so much! I need to find ways to love more. I need a therapist to help me do this more. I slipped up. She is the best.

I don’t understand. I need help. My next session is this Friday. I hate this.

Thank you all for permitting me to share this. I guess now I can finally cry inside and out.
 

joeylittle

Administrator
My therapist said that knowingly triggering someone’s symptoms is psychological torture.
I don't know if this will help...but I think your therapist is making a big generalization, here.

How are you feeling about managing your triggers at work? Do you have plan for skills you can apply, or ways to re-regulate yourself?
 
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