I don’t understand relationships

EveHarrington

MyPTSD Pro
I don’t understand relationships.

I don’t understand when I should be doing things for myself, and when it’s ok to ask for help. (I can only ask for help from therapists, doctors, etc who are getting paid to help me. Or really, anyone who is paid to do any sort of job for me.)

I just think I’m a huge burden if I ask anyone to help me with anything. I feel self centered. I feel selfish. I feel narcissistic.

I want to be able to do everything for myself. I hate feeling like a burden.
 

Recovery4Me

MyPTSD Pro
I don’t understand when I should be doing things for myself, and when it’s ok to ask for help

Me too! I have worked on this area …forever and want an manual. However, indirectly perhaps, you did just take another step in recognizing the dilemma.💪🏼 To me, that is awesome.

I am surrounded by paid professionals that help me with my tasking as well. It is smart but doesn’t necessarily advance my social-cueing or understanding of what is normal vs. a false sense of entitlement. Maybe we had to fend for ourselves for so long, it is uncomfortable to explore or handle rejection or other’s possible judgement.

For myself, I have been practicing. Here on the board, with family members, acquaintances or friends. I discuss it with my T. beforehand and afterwards which includes my boundaries, need set of what is reasonable expectations and handling various responses which may include the word no or a bunch of stuff that doesn’t really resolve my concern. Lol All part of asking for help by the way.

Is there any particular place or group you decided to start exploring? Do you have an critical mass emergency or just a bunch of built up things? Take care and sending good vibes your way.
 

Chris-duck

MyPTSD Pro
I don’t understand when I should be doing things for myself, and when it’s ok to ask for help
I'm not sure that's not understanding relationships, as much as it's being "pathologically independent" (not a real thing, just my phrasing), but I think it's kinda just looking at your relationships and assuming they're healthy it's a mutual thing, like if they'd be cool asking for it from you then it's cool for you to ask from them. Obviously that assumes a healthy baseline in whatever relationship.

But within that I think that everyone just has a different level of what they're okay with asking for help with, that's individual and for the most part, all good.

What prompted the question?
 

grit

MyPTSD Pro
I get your feelings to a point in relative to that I also suffered from similar things even though in all fairness I grew up TOO much of people helping that I become averse to this automatic helping about and became fiercely independent until I went to therapy and booom broke down.

What I learned intellectually speaking because I think emotionally you will find your own unique way of resolving is this: in healthy relationships or healthy mind, few things need to be there to create homeostasis or equilibrium or balance. When we are hurting:
The first thing we do is reach out to others, if that fails or is not available, then
We use logic or cognition - i.e. I am alone now so I need to plan better or do something using the brain (it is a fall back) if this does not work or cannt (like we are at work etc etc or in a tight situation) then
we may fall into humor or helping others etc...

I am using generic or ridiculously simplifying terms but this is the healthy path....in many variations as there are many people - creativity counts in this.
I think you asking this question is healthy and it seems to me you are in that second logic/cognition of asking questions - I am hurting and I do not asking people support? hmmm what is the problem???and as I said, you will probably find the answer if you are not already knowing.

Now, speaking from experience, and having Ptsd, I did all those above but what exacerbating my ptsd, was that rather than humor or helping others, I used to isolate and this strengthened my dissociation to become so strong and so powerful (I am literally paying people to help me now...LOL). It has not been an easy journey but now maybe I am seeing the differences so I can articulate.

Hope this helps you someways.
 

Freddyt

MyPTSD Pro
I don’t understand when I should be doing things for myself, and when it’s ok to ask for help. (I can only ask for help from therapists, doctors, etc who are getting paid to help me. Or really, anyone who is paid to do any sort of job for me.)

I just think I’m a huge burden if I ask anyone to help me with anything. I feel self centered. I feel selfish. I feel narcissistic.

I want to be able to do everything for myself. I hate feeling like a burden.
I have been there. You really want to do it for yourself, same as almost everyone on the face of the earth. I learned about all that at 11 when I lost my right eye. There are things that I just can't do well. There are things I need help with. There are things I can't do.

Its not healthy sometimes to not lean on others for help. I know what happens when I try to do it all for myself nowdays. I know I can't get better without help. I know I am not doing myself any good when I do that and end up non functioning.

Everyone from my T to my wife to my mom, sister, nephew, in-laws, they are all willing to help with me. They all want the old me back. They all want to be part of my life. They all love me. Sometimes that love is shown in acts to help me live a better more functional life.
 

EveHarrington

MyPTSD Pro
What prompted the question?

I was thinking about how I reached out to my sister awhile ago when I was struggling. I just wanted someone to talk to. I wasn’t asking for much at all except for a conversation. She snapped at me “well I’m not going to make you a priority in my life!” My jaw just dropped as I was asking nothing even close to this.

My sister has asked me for shit plenty of times. I flew to Florida to give her free babysitting for a week and she wasn’t even appreciative. I give her free babysitting and she can’t even give me a damn conversation. 😡😡😡
 

DharmaGirl

MyPTSD Pro
My jaw just dropped as I was asking nothing even close to this.
Oh, Eve, she is the abusive one. You did nothing wrong. I am going through similar thoughts on what is ok and what isn't. You can't change the fact she is your sister, but she isn't kind or caring. I think if you expect people to treat you kindly, that is the way you treat people. You expect to receive what you put out there. It's always a shock and surprise when people treat you badly, since it's not something you would do.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
I was thinking about how I reached out to my sister awhile ago when I was struggling. I just wanted someone to talk to. I wasn’t asking for much at all except for a conversation. She snapped at me “well I’m not going to make you a priority in my life!” My jaw just dropped as I was asking nothing even close to this.

My sister has asked me for shit plenty of times. I flew to Florida to give her free babysitting for a week and she wasn’t even appreciative. I give her free babysitting and she can’t even give me a damn conversation. 😡😡😡
ah that's not nice at all. No wonder your upset. I'm sorry.
 

Freddyt

MyPTSD Pro
I was thinking about how I reached out to my sister awhile ago when I was struggling. I just wanted someone to talk to. I wasn’t asking for much at all except for a conversation. She snapped at me “well I’m not going to make you a priority in my life!” My jaw just dropped as I was asking nothing even close to this.

My sister has asked me for shit plenty of times. I flew to Florida to give her free babysitting for a week and she wasn’t even appreciative. I give her free babysitting and she can’t even give me a damn conversation. 😡😡😡

Those are the kind of people I choose not to associate with, family or not. I have two sisters that have no part in my life anymore. I can't say it doesn't hurt on some level but I need to do whats best for me.

Its their own behaviour that made me break contact with them, nothing I did. Sadly, I am happier without them. I am also healthier without them.

The part that amazes me is how hard narcissistic people will work to drag you back to where they can continue their abuse and to where they can use you when they have never reached out to you - except when you have something they want, or they run out of other people willing to deal with their crap.
 
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