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I don't deserve rest

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Strangelongtrip

MyPTSD Pro
I have off for the first time since May (really since February) this week, Monday- Wednesday. I had a really bad nightmare last night about an ex who was emotionally manipulative, woke up a bit before 4 and have been incredibly anxious all day. I have an exam due tomorrow and I had an assignment to finish today. I got the assignment done but cried the whole time and know I didn't get it right. I was exhausted. I had a call with a support member at my college and she told me you sound REALLY stressed, can you rest before your exam? I didn't rest, I just cried about not being able to cram information down my throat. I went to lunch with a family member and that was nice, then I tried to cram some more and just cried. I felt like I had wasted so much time crying that I didn't deserve a break because I haven't done enough today. Today is all that matters. I've tried resting but haven't been able to, I studied some but now I have a stress. headache so bad I'm going to throw up. I don't think I deserve time off either, and I simultaneously feel miserable I have off and that I have off and have to take an exam. Time off makes me feel insane. I can't focus on anything and end up doing nothing, and I'm worthless if I don't work from the time I wake up until I fall asleep. I become incredibly unhinged when I'm not working all day, be in on school or projects or my business. I become emotionally dysregulated, and I start comparing myself to other people: he has three degrees by 30, I need to hurry up. I become more and more miserable. I've cried all day and I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense.

Multiple people have told me that I'm going to lose too much to succeed in a way that matters. I'm going to lose the war meaning my life but win the battle meaning something arbitrary like one exam I'll probably be good at. I don't know what else to do. I even set timers and said "I am going to rest for this hour or half hour." I would get up within 15 minutes and try to work on something more. I never successfully rested for more than 15 minutes. I still have more studying to do and have to take the exam tomorrow morning. I feel like an abject failure for only having done one thing today.
 
I'm sorry you're having a bad day. I'm a lot like that too. It's one way of distancing ourselves from trauma. In another way, I just get bored. Allow yourself to cry.. You've been too busy to cry and feel your emotions. It's just natural for me to do many things at once. It's okay.
 
You're stressing about resting....like literally and figuratively stressing yourself too much to even rest. Grace. Give yourself some grace. Take a deep breath. Now, think about things that might help like melatonin, tea, meditation, less screen time before you rest, hot bath, etc. If all else fails see your doctor to make sure everything is alright (hormones can affect sleep) and make sure any anxiety meds are on point.
 
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