Relationship I don't even recognize him anymore.

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Tish

New Here
I'm seriously at the end of my rope with the entire situation and feel that the best thing I can do for myself and my children is to walk away to enjoy life again.


I met my husband just over a decade ago. I thought he was this perfect guy and the relationship progressed quickly. He had already been married before while he was in the military and it didn't work out for some reason. I had always known that he was a combat veteran but didn't know too much about it as he kept that part of himself usually tucked away. Over the years he would say things and do things that seemed odd but I didn't know enough about what it was.

Once we got married a few years ago he completely turned into a different person, like a light switch literally flipped. Within 30 days of us being married he started hanging out in the streets over night and not coming home. Then he began to smoke cigars a lot and would leave sometimes before I got off work while the children were at home. So of course there would be arguments and I'd be left feeling guilty like it was my fault.

After a few more months he lost his jobs so we were down to one income with a family of four. Of course he placed the blame elsewhere for being woken up when one of the children left for school so he could take the other one to childcare before work. Anyhow, I worked my job and did what I had to do to support us for almost a year by myself. He would watch the other child then literally sit around most of the day or just leave as soon as I came home.

One time after he'd come home from being gone all night he said that it was because he had encountered someone who had made him feel threatened so he stabbed him then didn't come home out of fear.

Not to long afterwards came the constant paranoia. Every time that we were outside he'd say that people were following him as he'd constantly point out vehicles that he said were following him along with different hand signals that people were supposedly making in regards to some covert communication tactics to single him out. He would also listen to the walls in the different rooms of the apartment that we lived in at the time and swear that he heard people having conversations about us or repeating things that went on in our household. The paranoia began to get so bad that I started to believe it myself because it was near 24/7 that I was told to be on alert for all of these happenings. A few times he would stay up all night with the lights on in the bedroom dressed in a protective vest and boots with his gun on him screaming that "they were coming" and that I had to protect the children because they would kill him first and try to take them from me.

Another night I was trying to get him to come to bed since he passed out sleep in the living room and he jumps up and wraps his hand around my neck then lowers me to the ground and stands me back up, while standing behind me and whispering lets go in the other room and talk. So I refused and he eventually let go and went into the room by himself. The next morning I brought it to his attention and he said it was behind I stood over him talking and that was considered aggressive so it made him have a flash back.

Not too long after that he somehow was convinced to go speak to someone at the VA but they put him on meds so he called and told me that he was his way home. I could tell that he had been under heavy medication strong enough to sedate you but he said he just left because he was worried they wouldn't let him go home. By that time I was so desperate I called MIL to get him to go back to treatment. Of course she blames me in her own way for causing him to be unsettled and basically told me it way my fault for the issues we had.

So the behavior continues for months with the paranoia even stronger until finally he convinces me that the only way he can get better is to move away. So I start making plans for us to move then he does switch-up and says no he has to be with his family or it isn't going to work. So I thought we had enough to move but I didn't know he was indebted to the IRS tremendously since we'd always filed separately, so we lost thousands of dollars after I'd quit my job and put in notice to move out for us t leave. But I was so desperate to help him we left anyways. We ended up staying in a hotel temporarily until funds got low and we moved in with SIL for a few months.

During this time I had gotten a solid job and got a place, a car and began saving money. However we had been in the new state for almost a year before he got a job and had to go on temporary welfare services. Enter the nightmare of finding out he was a MEM, heavily influenced by his mother and her decisions began to affect everything he does says and thinks. I became no longer his wife but the other woman in the relationship. So as the years went by I found myself already isolated from my family to a large extent, enduring his ways, having to use public transportation as a primary means of getting around and making less than when I came here. The vehicle I had was lost since I got behind and instead of helping me pay for it as he promised he just told me it was best to let it go and didn't give me the remaining funds because we could save up for a newer family vehicle.

For the past couple of years I've completely let myself go as far as appearance, I'm always made to feel guilty about everything and having to ask for most things. He doesn't take us anywhere as a family except once in a blue moon. He spends the night at his mother house frequently and won't have normal conversations with me unless he is allowed to control the tone or the words coming out of my mouth. He frequently tries to tell me I'm delusional or that things aren't what they seem.

On top of all of this he has been consuming a fifth of alcohol every 2 to 3 days for the past year and a half. He tells MIL and SIL all of our business and makes decisions based on their influence. I recently discovered he has been more than deceitful about finances over the years.. All the while he enjoys a good salary, has a company vehicle, company cell phone. MIL bought him a cell phone a couple years ago after he lost the other one and refused to get on my plan. The day after Christmas he came home with a shiny new suv saying that he had gotten it for us but MIL had to help sign for it. So I of course was grateful and he let me thank MIL on the phone. Less than a week later I discovered that not only was it not ours but that she bought it for him and excluded me as the driver which he had to have allowed.

So I walk past both of his vehicles or at least one in the morning to catch public transportation to work or even to drop off my youngest to childcare before school at times, so I can go to work. Luckily my oldest can walk to the school bus stop and I taught them how to use public transportation . Once in a while I'll get a ride, especially when its time to split monthly bills that cant be paid over the phone but I do pay my half.

My husband constantly reminds me that I'm the one with the problem and that I should be thankful for everything and that I should teach the kids to be more grateful and clean up more after his messes... There is a part of me that feels guilty for staying this long and not recognizing things for what they are and the affect that its had on the kids and myself. I also feel guilty that I will be taking them from a two parent home situation. .. But there is a part of me that knows I have to do whats best for my and my childrens health, emotional well being, peace of mind too...
 
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Kubash16

Policy Enforcement
Please do what you need to do for you and your children. Nothing about what you wrote seems healthy or anything less than abusive. Please don’t blame PTSD on it either. Being abusive is a choice. Do sufferers have abusive moments? Sure, such as when he had the flashback. But if he isn’t doing what he needs to to get help to control his symptoms, there’s no reason for you to put up with it. You need to have your own boundaries regardless of how sick he may be.
 

Sweetpea76

Moderator
I’m with a vet who had combat PTSD as well, and he wouldn’t dream of treating me the way your husband treats you. PTSD is not making him lie, manipulate, steal, and treat you like garbage. That is him choosing to be a selfish asshole.

Do you want your kids to grow up around that?
 

Dominik24

Learning
Just like others already said, do not excuse his behaviour with his PTSD. The only thing in that story that really can be "excused" by PTSD, in my opinion, is the one where you woke him up and he had a flashback.
Everything else is abusive behaviour that he and not his PTSD chose to do.

I hope you and your kids will get as far away from this person as possible and that you will learn to love yourself again, without feeling guilty for leaving such a situation. Best of luck to you :)
 

Notafirstreciver

Policy Enforcement
The others are right my girlfriend has ptsd and she doesn't act like an ass to me and rarely she will go into a rage but the only time she has said something that was even close to this level she came back sobbing a week later he is deciding to do at least some of these things
leave him and hope for the best
 
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