I don't have a voice?

Charbella

MyPTSD Pro
I'm not allowed to use
I completely relate to this, mainly as it applies to my own CSA. I’m lucky in that my T will read my journal otherwise I’d have given up right after starting.

I find it odd because if you ask anyone who thinks they know me they’d never say I’m at a loss for words but if I’m upset I have no words.

When I started this round of therapy I had it in my head that enough time passed it would be easy to just say what’s on my mind..couldn’t have been more wrong. Sometimes a therapy session seems like I’m on word ration and after 20 I’m out so one word answers or just silence rules the day. My T has even offered to let me text him while I’m sitting in front of him.

I find that my biggest problem is not usually the initial answer it’s the explaining that I struggle with most so I just don’t get started. Could be because I hate to be misunderstood or because I just don’t have the energy something requires.

I know some of this is a trauma response because I chose not to have a voice with my abusers but I also know some of it is a product of an upbringing where children were to be seen and not heard.

I can carry a conversation without any issue, can be quite funny, and professionally stand my ground, but it’s surface level stuff. No one truly knows me.
 

shimmerz

MyPTSD Pro
There's something about English words (my native language), that have words that I feel "I'm not allowed to use" or will have some type of reaction/connotation that is unnecessary/too much, where using another language forces the logic/analytical part of my brain to work.
And so the plot thickens. Fascinating when speaking about multi-lingual issues as well. What was the primary language spoken throughout the trauma? Can one speak of the trauma in a different language than the primary language it was experienced in. Is English just a shitty language with rare and less than properly descriptive terms for what happened? Thank you for this.

Could be because I hate to be misunderstood or because I just don’t have the energy something requires.
This is a very big one for me. I feel like I can never explain what I mean properly. I still struggle with this regardless of the decade plus seriously intense work I have done on my own healing.
I know some of this is a trauma response because I chose not to have a voice with my abusers but I also know some of it is a product of an upbringing where children were to be seen and not heard.
I feel like I was punished for crying as an infant. Things were shoved into my mouth - so that could cause a trauma reaction. Could this be simply a freeze response? I generally get an entire body freeze response, but it makes sense if interacting verbally, that the response could be localized if one is afraid of punishment if the response we come up with is something we could be punished/abused for.

Very interesting topic and responses.
 

Roland

Confident
And so the plot thickens. Fascinating when speaking about multi-lingual issues as well. What was the primary language spoken throughout the trauma? Can one speak of the trauma in a different language than the primary language it was experienced in. Is English just a shitty language with rare and less than properly descriptive terms for what happened? Thank you for this.


This is a very big one for me. I feel like I can never explain what I mean properly. I still struggle with this regardless of the decade plus seriously intense work I have done on my own healing.

I feel like I was punished for crying as an infant. Things were shoved into my mouth - so that could cause a trauma reaction. Could this be simply a freeze response? I generally get an entire body freeze response, but it makes sense if interacting verbally, that the response could be localized if one is afraid of punishment if the response we come up with is something we could be punished/abused for.

Very interesting topic and responses.
Sorry for slow response, I was without internet all week.

English is my native language, and the one I was verbally abused with, and punished for saying or not saying certain things.

My secondary languages are easier to talk about trauma with because I don't get emotionally overwhelmed or afraid to use certain words. I feel silent and censored in English where my secondary languages feel fresh.

In addition, my logical analytical brain is working with my secondary languages, so I can better work through the overwhelm and trauma response.
 

Freddyt

MyPTSD Pro
Got stuck into this in therapy yesterday.

A lot of why I don't speak a lot outside therapy? Fear. Not of external things but fear of me. Fear of how fast I can flash to anger. Fear of my frustration. Fear that my filters are gone at that point. Fear that my words can hurt. Fear of hurting those I love. Fear that like so many other ways I can express myself what I really want to say will change between what I think and what comes out.....

When it comes to that its a choice to shut it down. To loose my voice rather than use it.

Frustration is a huge piece of this, and my problems at this point.
 

shimmerz

MyPTSD Pro
My secondary languages are easier to talk about trauma with because I don't get emotionally overwhelmed or afraid to use certain words. I feel silent and censored in English where my secondary languages feel fresh.

In addition, my logical analytical brain is working with my secondary languages, so I can better work through the overwhelm and trauma response.
Super interesting Roland. Thank you for this.
 

Tinyflame

MyPTSD Pro
It came to me that I asked for something, it took me 2 years to ask, and they said yes, it's ok! So I think it takes time and I'm not sure what, I think maybe comfort more than courage? I guess one has to keep practicing, or just try, too.
 
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