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I don't have any problems with shooting or carrying anymore! And I got a concealed carry pistol! (I had gun related trauma and triggers)

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Sweetleaf

MyPTSD Pro
So, some of the traumatic events I experienced involved guns. Because of that I had two problems: I wasn't able to look at guns at all, and I didn't feel comfortable with the idea of defending myself with firearms anymore.

But - before my trauma, I was very into guns, I had already owned many different guns over the course of my life - during and right before my trauma, I had 5 guns (2 pistols, 2 rifles, and a shotgun), and my trauma made me get rid of all but one rifle. I can't blame myself for that because it was the safest thing I could have possibly done at the time.

First I worked on the trauma that made me feel uncomfortable with using a gun to defend myself - that wasn't intentional, it was just the easiest trauma for me to process. Then I began to work on the other gun traumas, after some time.

A bit over a year ago I got a pistol - a super big ugly one that looked nothing like what pointed at me. I had improved enough to at least do that.

Still - I couldn't handle it for long, or look at it for long, without starting to feel sick.

I did more work on my gun related traumas, and the violent stuff in general.

A week ago, I bought a new pistol, one that looks very much like what was in my traumas, though a different brand. A Glock 19 gen 5 (a 9mm "compact" handgun). I have had no problems looking at it, handling it, carrying it, or shooting it.

No anxiety, no shakey hands at the range, no feeling like I want to barf, no flashbacks, nothing.

Instead, I feel excitement at having it, handling it, shooting it - I feel safer, carrying it around, concealed. It helps my hypervigilance not get ahold of me and turn into anxiety and panic. I feel more at ease, though I also feel a little bit more pressure from the responsibility required to carry a loaded pistol around. But, I can handle that now.

I feel so much safer going around outside. More than I did with the pepper spray I was carrying.

Today I took it shooting - and I didn't have a single drop of anxiety - I had steady, dry hands. It felt good, fun, and I was able to get a decent number of rounds downrange.

I fired 525 rounds through the new pistol today. 500 rounds of regular FMJ target ammo, and a box of the hollowpoint ammo that I prefer, to make sure my gun would eat it. Both worked perfectly - there was only one failure, about 3 or 4 magazines into the FMJ. It was a failure to feed, the round was stuck sticking a little in the chamber, with the slide caught like partway up the brass. Never happened again. After that it was all perfect.

I really liked the accuracy, too - and the trigger was better than I expected, I liked the break.

Anyway - I have recovered enough to reclaim a part of my old life - one that also makes me feel more safe. For the first time in a while it feels like I accomplished something I have wanted so much, a major goal.

Yay!
 
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