I don't have anyone to turn to, and I'm drowning in myself - Therapist’s response to physical insecurity is confusing

svmwtt98

New Here
I just want to be clear: If you are not a compassionate person, capable of understanding the plight of other human beings and their stigmatized insecurities, and also the delicate and complex "human condition" (struggles and trials of being a person on this earth) please don't read any further.

I have a therapist who is my only source of emotional support and much of my happiness and obviously mental health revolves around her. Of course I know I should take action and also provide my own happiness and be self - sufficient but my parents are very strict, controlling and I have cognitive issues that arose from overworking myself in college. Of course the overworking is my fault, but my parents constant abuse stunted my recovery, and now I'm in an indefinite state of extremely poor health. Trying to exert myself like others at a normal pace causes me to spasm uncontrollably, have severe memory loss, vision problems, and severe slurred speech. This has made my life a living hell since as of right now I'm fine, but I can't do a lot of things I did in the past. Many things have been put on hold for me due to this and I have to ration the little bit of energy I do have to do one or two things I like during the week. To get to the point as efficiently as I can I have a genuine emotional connection with my therapist. There is significant evidence to show she cares about me and that I have importance to her. Shes helped me with serious issues and has been compassionate and understanding. My mom has meetings with her and in those meetings my therapist also shows care about me by giving helpful recommendations to my mom about getting me certain teas to help me sleep at night and fish oil for my brain because of my ongoing cognitive problems.

But there was a moment where I made a serious and intimate revelation to her (my therapist). I was having problems dealing with a serious insecurity of mine and I tried to overcome it but I need affirmation, since I couldn't really make myself sure. If your not compassionate, if you don't respect men, if you go with the flow of society and the anti-men propaganda that emasculates us and calls our masculine traits and demeanor as "toxic masculinity" just stop reading. If topics where there is a serious issue of Too much information bothers you, I apologize for wasting your time, and please its better you don't continue. I told my pyscologist I was insecure of the size of my member. If your laughing or giggling, don't bother responding, with all seriousness and respect, just go to another part of the forum and leave me alone. Moving foward, I told her, and her face lights up excessively and she has a strong grin on her face and shes not laughing but her facial expression STRONGLY indicated she found it hilarious. However she IMMEDIATELY hides her expression and tries to have a facial expression where shes serious.

Later I tell her my measurement because I just needed to let out my emotions and depression over this, however midway she interrupts to ask me something as i already say my measurements, and then i ask her " did you mean to ask how large my body part is?" and she says yes, that being said the measurements were already out of my mouth as she interrupted me. I tell her "im ____this big". And she turns her head to the side and looks at me sideways and she just looks so weird. It was creepy. She was smiling as she said to me " that is a very normal size", but once again I could tell she was trying hard not laugh. She just had that weird smiling expression in this moment where shes trying to smile out of compassion and reassurance but shes also trying not to laugh. Its very apparent. Later on I said was proud of admitting my insecurity because i thought i was brave. But then she speaks to me in a condescing tone and says " listen (insert random name here) your a boy that-". I cant remember what else she said, but when she said boy, she said it in that tone of voice where im less than her because shes much older and im a young person. That condesding tone arrogant elitist adults give to younger people these days.

Later on in another therapy session i confront her about how she made me feel and when i brought it up, she immediately curls her lip. I don't know why she did that. She never does that. I could tell she making an effort by looking at her face. As i was explaining my feelings and how i felt she was curling her lip the entire time and I could tell she was trying not to smile or laugh. She tells me she wasnt laughing at me and how that she is a sexologist as well as a psycologist and that in her sexual studies there are topics that make her smile because of the nature and context when someone talks or reads about something pertaining to sex. Later on, in another therapy session I talk about my insecurites, lack of self esteem, and I also talk about my "bodily insecurity", i gave it a label in that time so as to sound more proper i guess. During that session where i was talking about a lot of things, somewhere around when i say "im anxious about my bodily insecurities" her lips start to quiver and she starts struggling to not smile and her mouth turns into a smile and then a neutral expression. Like a tug of war with her lips if you get my meaning.

My therapist is very helpful. She cares about me and she is compassionate and I know many instances where shes shown this with her actions. Ive improved a lot thanks to her. But i dont understand....why did she act that way with me in those moments about my physical insecurity? I have a strong intuition she was laughing at me. Thats how a lot of women are whenever theyre gossiping about boys. They say "he has a small d**k" and then they giggle and laugh. I know this is true because I would overhear these things about girls who had hookups. I had a third instance where i talk to her about it again. And she said i have a hard time believing people and that im paranoid and that im projecting onto her. I know i project. I know i have a lot of psychological problems. There was a book in my childhood that was the only "fatherfigure" or "mentor" i ever had and it taught me to accept my faults and take responsibility. All of these pyscolgoical problems i have are true and im aware of them because when i found out i had them, (with my Ts help) i suffered low self esteem, humiliation and embarrassment, but my therapist was always compassionate and understanding. I never recieved understanding and compassion from my parents growing up. So i have a strong desire to be on good terms with her. That being said ive tried hard to take into account her acts of good will because there is SIGNIFICANT evidence that she cares about me respects me and wants to help me heal. One more detail i should say, she frequently cancels our appointments last minute a lot. Shes giving me mixed signals. Also when she responded to my insecurity so as to give me an answer to my dilemma, she was nervious and looked down and to the side occasionally. Shes around 56 and has a lot of expereince and is a sexologist as well. Why the nervousness? Please, if you have any advice or guidance, i need it. I had a father around but he was never present. My mom was too submissive to really protect me and care about me as she should have. Through much of my life ive had serious problems and no one to turn to. No family member, uncle, aunt, no one. All i have are strangers on the internet. (thats not an insult). Please, can you help another person in need?
 
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Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
Hiya @svmwtt98, welcome to the site, do you suffer from ptsd or life threatening trauma?

Unless your a porn star, I think every man would like a bigger penis. I wouldn't be to worried about your therapists reaction. Their faces often "light up" when they think that you've said something serious and to the point. It was very brave of you to talk so openly to her.
 
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svmwtt98

New Here
Hiya @svmwtt98, welcome to the site, do you suffer from ptsd or life threatening trauma?

Unless your a porn star, I think every man would like a bigger penis. I wouldn't be to worried about your therapists reaction. Their faces often "light up" when they think that you've said something serious and to the point. It was very brave of you to talk so openly to her.
Hi Survivor3. Yes I've suffered life threatening trauma. Could you elaborate on the last thing you said? What do you mean by that exactly?
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
Just that I've had a female therapist react the same way about something else I've said. I actually ditched her bcos she was a nightmare. I don't really know how to elaborate on that just to say if you weren't happy with the way she reacted then it's upto you, no one else if you want to see someone else. Maybe her reaction was inappropriate which may have made you feel awkward.

Are you able to talk about your trauma?
 

Friday

Moderator
I wouldn't be to worried about your therapists reaction. Their faces often "light up" when they think that you've said something serious and to the point.
Very much this… especially given the context of how helpful & phenom she’s been for you historically and that sex&sexuality is her field of expertise.

Also when she responded to my insecurity so as to give me an answer to my dilemma, she was nervious and looked down and to the side occasionally. Shes around 56 and has a lot of expereince and is a sexologist as well. Why the nervousness?
Was she nervous? Or running a series of calculations about what & how much to share with you, in order to get the best result IE answer you in the best way possible (and not overwhelm you with info, or feed into insecurities, or challenge you too soon if she disagrees with you, or appear dismissive, etc.)?

Just as an example?

Sex & Sexuality isn’t my field, but …I grew up in a culture that is quite open about all things sex (and incrediably open compared to most JudeoChristian cultures), I’ve taught SexEd in a few -wildly- different contexts (both to active duty military where sex is often viewed as a sport & to wait-for-marriage Christian kids; which I’d always mistaken as a homogenously sheltered group, but nope! Many sects very much want their children educated to the hilt, in the most sex-positive way possible; in addition to waiting for marriage), I have also spent significant time in & around a few different areas of sex-work, and have taken a few University classes as part of my degree program… although just a tiny fraction of what a sociologist, anthropologist, or psychologist who is specializing in sex&sexuality would be undertaking.

Okay, so back to the example…

- Men who are actually quite small (1-2”) are quite exciting from a sexPro perspective as 1-3” is the perfect length to learn to continually stimulate the cluster of nerves known as the g-spot in women, or intermittantly stimulate the prostrate in men, simply as the way they have sex without thinking about it; and then have a show stopper of an orgasm where their ejaculate across either the g-spot in women or the prostate in men causes a cascading involuntary series of orgasms in their partners… even in people who are not usually capable of penetrative orgasm. Both, like most things sex, take some time to learn/acquire the skill, but once mastered mean that these lovers are always in extremely high demand. Men who are on the smaller side of normal (3-4”) can also learn these skills, but it’s not as much fun for most, as it requires monitoring & control as a deliberate act to pull out from their bag of tricks here and there, rather than how they usually have sex as a baseline.

- Men who are on the smaller side of normal do get some of the benefits of men who are quite small (like the example above) but arguably the biggest benefit of this size -for heterosexual males- is how widely they can cast their nets / they have the highest percentage of women for whom they would be sexually compatible. As women, like men, vary a tremendous amount in internal measurements… which limits the size of man they’re able to enjoy sleeping with… but unlike men a large percentage of women also have issues which artificially limits the size they’re able to take into themselves comfortably, much less enjoy doing so. Read? Scar tissue. Which doesn’t stretch, of it’s own accord. And is a common byproduct of both sexual assault and giving birth, as well as an occasional effect of childhood injuries, or repeated UTIs, in addition to other medical causes like surgeries. Which means that even men of average size are too large for many women to enjoy penetrative sex with, or that both partners have to be veeeeery careful whenever they engage in penetrative sex

Both of these size groupings? Tend to develop a helluva lotta self-confidence as soon as they actually start having sex… for durn good reason (stadiums of cheering tend to drown out individuals who don’t know any better… yet). Although adolescence, where sex is all theory and imagination tends to be quite brutal.

Conversely? Men who are of average to large sizes, but think they’re quite small? Have vastly different problems/challenges/benefits.

^^^
And all of this is just tip o’ the iceberg in relation to size.

Meanwhile it’s penguins in the North Pole (not a thing) to bring up all of the aspects to size/appearance (like there is a tribe of people for whom male genetalia is internal until puberty, so boys & girls are near identical until things drop), meanwhile another genetic variation that remain true past puberty, the related issue of grower v shower (I felt really bad for David, until I started sleeping with Italian/Roman/Greek men, and then quit feeling badly at all once I started sleeping with small men. Wowza. On both scores. And I’m not someone whose internal dimensions limit whom I can sleep with, so I very luckily have gotten to experience mad skills at every size level)

^^^ The only reason I bring up even a few probably not a thing points? Is to illustrate how there are hundreds, or even thousands of aspects to sex and size that an expert would have knowledge of. I’m just a dillitante/amateur and I can talk sex all day long. An expert / this is their field? Can write whole books and talk for months (literally, as that’s how long a single quarter’s class is, and it takes yeeeeears of study to specialize in).

***
So, personally? I’d be very inclined to take her at her word that she was just smiling because it’s her speciality, and being thoughtful/considering of what to say how, that would help you the most.
 
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svmwtt98

New Here
I appreciate your help and the fact that you took time out of your day to help me. I had a question, could you elaborate on
"Men who are on the smaller side of normal (3-4”) can also learn these skills, but it’s not as much fun for most, as it requires monitoring & control as a deliberate act to pull out from their bag of tricks here and there, rather than how they usually have sex as a baseline".
Do you mean to say that for example, a men of that size range have to rely on several positions that give pleasure but not the "show stopping orgasm" as you mentioned? Like quantity over quality?
 

Friday

Moderator
Do you mean to say that for example, a men of that size range have to rely on several positions that give pleasure but not the "show stopping orgasm" as you mentioned? Like quantity over quality?
Nope.

Just that hitting a target that’s only a couple inches interior mean that anyone who would naturally overshoot that target -by any length- would need to be very careful to mind their depth, to elicit the same response.

So it would be a deliberate act, to cum on someone’s g-spot or milk a prostate, rather than be what simply happened nearly every time because of the angles and distance involved.

Just like other aspects of sex are deliberate acts vs natural byproducts/baseline.

Small men may be famous/infamous for their romance-novel “both people orgasming at the same time” being the normal way that they have sex / no effort required… meanwhile most people’s orgasms alternate; first one person and then the other later… but that doesn’t mean that larger men can’t learn that particular trick, nor that smaller men don’t also have a whole bag of tricks they use to elicit different responses.

Deliberate acts / skills / tricks / whatever one wishes to call them… take time to learn, and practice to perfect, and require a certain mood or energy level to decide to engage in. That doesn’t mean that they’re not fun at all, they’re often keeeerazy fun, which is why they’re worth learning; just that they won’t be a “this happens every time unless I deliberately do something else”.

So it’s not a quantity/quality thing at all, but rather a deliberate skill vs natural consequence.

Does that make sense?
 

svmwtt98

New Here
I completely understand. I have two final questions. You said that her smiling was that she could finally use her sexologist expertise. She hid that expression right away. Your explanation really clarifies things a lot and I feel like I can trust her. But do you have any idea why she might have hid it? Some people in other forums have said she smiled probably because of how abrupt i brought up that revelation (my insecurity). Thinking on it now, it was abrupt, I just said it without any warning right after talking about another topic. The second question, was that when I told her my measurements she just gave me a side glance, said "that is a very normal size", and she looked like she had difficulty in not laughing or losing her composure. Was she holding in laughter or mocking behavior?

That being said your explanation clarifies things and I feel that I can trust her. Thanks again and i appreciate your help.
 

Friday

Moderator
But do you have any idea why she might have hid it? Some people in other forums have said she smiled probably because of how abrupt i brought up that revelation (my insecurity). Thinking on it now, it was abrupt, I just said it without any warning right after talking about another topic. The second question, was that when I told her my measurements she just gave me a side glance, said "that is a very normal size", and she looked like she had difficulty in not laughing or losing her composure. Was she holding in laughter or mocking behavior?
I can only speculate as to WHY she might have done anything… I think your best answers are what she herself said as to why, since you have a long history of trusting her to be honest with you, and -from an outside perspective- those reasons make total sense.

Therapists tend to get excited / faces light up when you venture into territory they really connect with… and yet at the same time, being sensitive that this is a difficult topic for you, and maintaining that sense of empathetic seriousness (even, or especially, if you’re repeating bad info, or if someone has done you badly and they’re angry on your behalf…whilst concurrently running through their wealth of info as what would be the most helpful).

IE in emojis

Oh boy! My favorite topic! 😍
…that is very difficult for someone 😌 (calm down)
…and someone has used to hurt them 😡
…so what would be the best way to help 😌 (calm down)
…oh this is GREAT that they’re already at THIS point 😍
…but it’s still a difficult topic for them 😌 (calm down)
…aaaaaaargh why is this STUPID MYTH still 😡
…okay, so how best to engage this topic without overwhelming 😌
(Screw calm. Zen, MTHFKR, we are zen. And breathe. And think.)
…favorite topic. We. Can. Do. This. 🙄

😍 Nope! 😡 Nope! 😊 Almost.🙂 Better.🧐 Too serious.🤓 Voila!
 

Freddyt

MyPTSD Pro
And embarrassment related dysphoria sticks its head in and colors our input to say "they are all laughing at me...again".

All your input is colored by being filtered through Fight Flight or Freeze. No positive information comes from there.

I have trouble understanding other peoples emotions (especially subtle) at times and when I feel like I may have taken something they said or did the wrong way I will ask them about it. Especially my wife and my T. I can't afford to let some (usually stupid) little misunderstanding turn into a big stress riser for me.
 
K

Kel

I completely understand. I have two final questions. You said that her smiling was that she could finally use her sexologist expertise. She hid that expression right away. Your explanation really clarifies things a lot and I feel like I can trust her. But do you have any idea why she might have hid it? Some people in other forums have said she smiled probably because of how abrupt i brought up that revelation (my insecurity). Thinking on it now, it was abrupt, I just said it without any warning right after talking about another topic. The second question, was that when I told her my measurements she just gave me a side glance, said "that is a very normal size", and she looked like she had difficulty in not laughing or losing her composure. Was she holding in laughter or mocking behavior?

That being said your explanation clarifies things and I feel that I can trust her. Thanks again and i appreciate your help.

Honestly I think she had a human reaction-talking about sex can (or parts in general) can sometimes feel a bit silly or even awkward for some but it doesn't seem mocking. It sounds like a candid interaction.
 
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