I don't know how to say no

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slhlilbit

Confident
im really having some problems with saying no.

my brother has been living with my son and i for a year and a half now and i just got him to start paying me 200. a month. now my sister and her husband and their daughter and 2 grand children moved in with us. and now they do not want to pay their way either.

i feel like the biggest sucker in the world. im so scared i cant support them all. im afraid we are going to loose everything and end up homeless.

im so sick. i felt like if i turned them away i would go to hell.
now i think i mabie in hell.
why am i so stuped
 

batgirl

MyPTSD Pro
Why don't they want to pay their way? Are you paying for everything for them?!? Why don't you tell them they need to pay rent or else get out? Sorry to be so blunt but why jeopardize your own life and happiness for some lazy ass relatives? I mean 5 new people just moved in? That's a LOT of financial responsibility not to mention an invasion of your space, and it shouldn't all be up to you. Your relatives sound very selfish.
 

slhlilbit

Confident
i know how bad it sounds and it feels even worse. i dont know if i can tell them to get out. i dont want them to be homeless. my niece has 2 babies. im hoping they will help out more next month. my sister is supposed to get a job but her husband has a tworn mussel in his sholder and needs surgery. i m at a loss. i wish i didnt care.
 

batgirl

MyPTSD Pro
What if you give them deadlines for various things? Like just for example, one month for your sister to get a job and start paying some rent, 6 months until they find their own place to live, or whatever you are comfortable with. Can they get assistance of any kind, like from the government, or child benefit for the babies, etc? Any money that would help? It's nice you care about them, but you need to care about yourself too. If having them there is going to ruin you financially and maybe make you homeless it's obviously not worth it, and they need to know that too. They shouldn't be allowed to just take advantage of you.
 

dljwhitewolf

Confident
NO is learned. Many of us did not have that luxury.
I start off with a friend who has a problem saying no, and during the conversation I will say pass me that book, they do automatically.
I asked them why they did that, answer, you asked.
I'll say if I asked you to jump off a high cliff would you? (one friend said, well I trust you so I'm sure that it would be safe, lol) it should be no.

Saying no requires babysteps, ask a friend to help you out, take small steps and have them ask to go get them a drink, say no.
Make sure no question is real, only part of the no therapy game.
As you start mastering the word, begin to use it in a higher voice, louder and with more authority.
Begin to explain the reason why you "will not" do something, to justify why you would say it.
example: person who has trouble saying no: I will not let you use my car.
person asking: why
no needer: because you do not respect your own things, I will not have you ruin mine.
another
asker: I really need to borrow ten dollars to buy that shirt I want so much,
No sayer: Well I only have enough money to pay my power bill.
asker: Well you can ask someone for it, I really really really need this shirt!
(a real friend would never even ask such a thing)
no sayer: Look you are being so selfish, you go ask that person you mentioned me borrowing from, and take your little tail there and ask yourself.
this should be the end of that conversation
No only can become familar when we use it in many different ways, and in many different levels of authority.
Hope this help others to learn the game of saying :Hell NO!!!!!!!
took me awhile but I think I am the best no sayer there is now,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
It gives me control where before I was the doormat.
 

slhlilbit

Confident
that is it in a nut shell.
I am going to have to learn to say no. i can still care and say no; god you would think after all i have been through i would not be afraid of such a small thing like the word no.
the more i type it the better i feel so i cant wait to start saying it! thank you both.
 

anthony

Founder
Yep... if you go down then you can't help anyone... all just from saying NO. Isn't it better to be able to help one than lots? If you go down you can't even help yourself.
 
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