Undiagnosed I don't know if I belong here.

I have no idea how to make this short and concise, but here we go;

I Was 30 years old when my new partner made me understand just how abusive and destructive my childhood was. (This was around middle of 2021) since then he's helped me get therapy and him and my licensed psychiatrist are helping me make rapid progress.

As a child I was diagnosed with adhd and perception disorders (I'm not from an English speaking country, so I'm not sure if it's called perception disorders in English but it's basically issues with sounds, smells, textures, touch etc)

I Was always told this was a difficult diagnosis for the professionals to settle with, at the end of 2021 I accessed my old journals... In them, I read that I had trouble with focusing, with my confidence, I had shakes and was very weak in my muscles. This was 'discovered' when I was five during a regular check up. I read that they suspected some disorder or injury, my parents declined any had occurred.

(at the end of 2021 a cousin of mine revealed that her mother, my aunt in law, knew my mother had got fed up with me playing with a large plant when I was 2,5 years old. She snapped and told me to just pull it. I did. Apparently I got "severely" injured. Sadly this aunt in law doesn't want to talk to me about it.)

I went on with my life.

When is as 8, my school reported that I was very sexual, something they had picked up and collected evidence for since I was 6. I was always told they reported my family to social services and filed a police report solely based on a novel I wrote, about a father who fed his family urine. It was fun and games to me, and a fun story I told.

After my realizations last year, I wanted to dig more into everything. Especially since my sexuality has always been quite extreme.

Thankfully, this report was saved even though my parents was cleared of suspicions. Reading this social service report was... Admittedly first a laugh for me , my boyfriend didn't laugh. Reading the report, it's clear that I had been exposed to something I should have been exposed to.

To make this short, my therapist suspects that I was exposed to my dad watching porn. (we base this on my memory of my mother telling me she caught him when she was pregnant with me and she told him to never do it again, or they'd be separating.)

Growing up I was very eccentric, shy and an oddball. I loved to provoke. I rebelled. During my teens my mother and I always fought. She criticised me about everything I did. (last week an uncle told me that I was being heavily criticised as a child too.) I started to date. I was very fixated with Sex, I got furious and anxious when my boyfriends didn't want to have sex. I was abusive, toxic and jealous and ended up with guys who wasn't good for me.

My boyfriend have made me understand that I only felt valuable and appreciated when I had Sex.

Before I met this great guy, I was addicted to relationships. I craved attention and validation on an unhealthy scale. I used sex as a distraction, as a way to fill the void inside. I engaged in risky sex by meeting randoms. I sold porn, the rush of validation was fantastic... My boyfriend, my partner has truly saved me. Or, helped me save myself.

I thought I was just overly sensitive and dramatics because I'd go into these panic modes when someone raised their voice at me. I'd tense up, panic and cry. When I get criticised I feel utterly worthless. As if everything with me is shit.

I've always been so damn tense.

Once last year, my boyfriend jumped out from behind a wall to scare me, for fun and games, I then told him to please not do that because when I got scared it takes me ages to calm down... He looked at me, apologised and then carefully told me that it wasn't a normal reaction. We discussed this and I understood that I'm always anxious. I always have a level of anxiety in a sort of background process.

I got an autism diagnosis some years ago, I spent my life thinking I had a good family and that my issues with my self esteem, my emotions and my issues with difficult tasks were NPF related... Now I'm in this huge growth process. I don't know if 8 have ptsd, trauma, or what. I absolutely do have emotional flashbacks. Reading about those, and understanding them, made a huge change for me. I no longer felt weak. I felt wounded.

I've done so much work on such a little time. Confronting my parents lead to nothing. My uncle shed a lot of light on my forgotten childhood, and we'll keep taking.
I've withdrawn from my parents for month. To build confidence and to ensure my boundaries are being respected. Sometimes I feel strong, motivated. Other days I feel broken.

Beside this huge overwhelming journey I'm taking I'm sharing my life with my boyfriend, two dogs, one boa constrictor and five tarantulas. I'm creative, I've written a book, I've recently picked up my tattoo gun again to continue to practice. My boyfriend, a musician, is currently teaching me the drums.

I'm sure I've missed a whole lot in this post. It's likely messy in places.
 

StillPen

MyPTSD Pro
Welcome to the forum. I hope you continue therapy to get a full diagnosis and the help you need to process the symptoms you are experiencing.
 

Teasel

MyPTSD Pro
Hi and welcome to the forum :)
The perception disorders you mention sound like what we call sensory processing disorder
Recently found out I'm autistic w ADHD too
I'm so glad you've a caring partner and are making progress with your psychiatrist too :)
 

MnM

Confident
You're in the right place to start processing and asking the hard questions! What a gem of a partner you have also! And sounds like you have some great supports. Keep your self safety mechanisms tight until you feel more certain or stable... tough stuff for sure. You sound resilient as heck!
 

Mee

MyPTSD Pro
I think your post was clear and also compelling. I read things I could empathise with and I am sure some others will have too, if that helps you to know.

There is excellent information in threads here but more so in the conversation with other members, and I think perhaps most of all in conversation with yourself in a trauma diary .

The revelations of familial emotional abuse and how we continue to hurt ourselves after that can be numbing and the processing after that rather difficult.

I’m glad you have the support of a kind boyfriend as you work this out .
 
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