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I don't know what to think (or do)

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ImFuktUp

New Here
I'm not good at typing things out, because I don't know where to start, but I'll try.....and I'll do my best to keep it short.

I'm 43.
I've lived a pretty messed up life with my "family" from as far back as I can remember, it was a highly dysfunctional one. "Parents" separated from birth, I was the only child and in the middle of those 2 idiots constantly fighting and using me as their proxy.

Fast forward to 22 years of age (after living with my "father" at this point for 6 years), he's an alcoholic and approaching mid-life (49 years of age) with a lot of personal issues with his mother and sister (money and lots of it, we're talking millions).
So his own mother screws him out of splitting an 8 million fortune between him and his sister.
I become his punching bag at home, CONSTANTLY fighting verbally and trying to control me, but I do NO exaggerate when I say there were constant fights on a daily basis, he always found something to attack me with or about, absolute petty shit.
This went on for 11 years, so he essentially demolished whatever confidence or spirit I had in me left. My therapist recently told me that I was in full out survivor mode for those years and that's why I feel like I've been robbed of those "great years" of my life.

Fast forward to today.
I lost my dog in 2014 - i was BEYOND devastated... had her 14 years and she really saved me, b/c i was ready to kill myself in 2003, but realized I couldn't do that and leave her with him.
The "sperm donor" died in 2015 - 19 YEARS TOO late...didn't shed a tear, f*ck him.
2016 - my best friend killed herself because she couldn't live without her mother who died of cancer and she was sexually abused by her father and uncle (i found out from her sister AFTER she died)

2017 I sell my dad's house in a hot market, got a great price, but buyers back out...
2018 I'll be lucky to sell the house for a price like that again, but now, my "sperm donor's" mother and sister are suing me b/c the grandmother wants money back that she gifted me and told me she'd help me pay bills, etc.. because the "sperm donor" left quite a mess in terms of debt.

I honestly don't know how much more I can take...

But what guts me the most is, are losing my great prime years of 22 - 33 living in a f*cking hell I could not wish on my worst enemy.
I actually think there HAD TO BE some kind of physical damage to my brain because of the constant stress and fear on a daily basis.

I'm starting to slowly get rid of my personal belongings and I'm planning on just throwing most things away soon.
I don't see anything bright for myself in the near future.
I'm Vegan and the reason I say this is, hearing and seeing videos of animals going through what they go through is so heart breaking for me, I'm an empath.
This world doesn't feel like it's for me, I feel like an alien.
The irony is, people at work think I'm this "cool, fun, popular, good looking guy" and a few of them want to hang out and do things... they're in their early to mid 20s, they know i'm 43..
But let's be realistic.... in a few years, I'll be older and they'll be like, ehhh too old.

So better to save myself the embarassment now.

But the thoughts of suicide feel like a solid flow of molasses creeping into my mind now, and it's very persistent. Before the thoughts were sporadic and fast, but this feels "deeper" if that makes sense.

I truly don't want to be here anymore, because every potential relationship I had in the past was so short lived - max 5 months if that. They were beautiful girls, but I was just mentally not there and looking back now, I get it. I can't do anything about it now.
Life moves us all on.

I just want to get rid of my stuff and hope that day when I make the decision to kill myself, comes sooner rather than later.

I have no family, they're all f*cking selfish (on my aunt's side) and my mom, well she's a hoarder, but has a good heart.....but at the same time, was controlling just like the rest of the family was towards me, always telling me what I should do, etc, etc ,etc.

I dunno, this is all just a big ramble, but the suicide thing seems like the only way out to ease the mental anguish I have on a daily basis.

I truly don't know what else I can say....

My life has been shit since the day I was born.
As a high school aquaintance said last year at a bbq with some friends, "you are the most disappointing of us all.... you had the most potential and look at you"...
(yeah, I'm attractive, this isn't my ego, it's just it's a fact, but my mental condition never got me far with any relationship because I never got the love from a "normal family" to give you that unconditonal love to show you're worth something.
So the stigma of good looking people getting it easy in life...bullshit.

I'm a nice guy, I love animals, I love nature................but bad shit keeps happening.
I've tried to put out good vibes to the universe like others claim works...and no, sorry, that's bullshit too.

Excuse the rant....but my life has been one f*ck up after another.

...and I don't think I'll ever get over the 11 years of the worst mental abuse anyone could imagine...all the hands of an alcoholic ""father" ....who wouldn't help me financially and just pounded me into the ground and demoralized me.

I hope I can pull through this and turn my life around... but as the years keep creeping, it seems less and less possible.

if you read this, thank you <3
if not, I'm sorry, but thanks anyway.
 
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I'm glad you reached out.
Have you told your therapist about this suicidal ideation you have going on?
She might be able to help you.

And look, most of us here know what it is like to have less than adequate parents.
My father was alcoholic too and pretty much screwed most of my life.
But people here keep telling me there's hope, so I believe them.

We're young, there is still a lot of change possible.
Hug, if you want it.
 
Welcome, and hope you stick around and read the people here that felt and still feel just like you do. The major thing there will be, you aren't alone in feeling life has no meaning or nothing to look forward to. But , you did reach out here , so at least give your self some credit for that.

We all understand about 'lost years'. I am a lot older than you, and not only have lost years because of the abuse, but because of the abuse I then had years of disassociation... lots of lost time. As many here have also.

You didn't share if you are in Therapy, it's a question we ask, because we like to know you have some support and guidance. Some can do this alone, most of us can't. Especially at the beginning of our healing journey. And there is a lot of healing here. It's slow, it's frustrating, but we also have some great breakthrus that keep us hanging on...

Hope you take the time to read some of the topics and stories here.. There is a lot of hope here. It has helped me in ways I didn't know I needed help...

Glad you found us... hopefully you will want to become a part of the healing community and find people here you relate to. We do understand, and you don't have to be alone.
 
Welcome!

Pardon my French, but f*ck that high school acquaintance!!!! He/she knows not of what he/she speaks about!

Dealing with trauma is some hard shit. And you know what? These people who judge us? They’d end up curled up in a ball on the floor if they had to deal with half the shit we endured as children!

Those who see how strong I am and see how I’m constantly pushing forward? They’re in awe of me. And to put this in perspective, it’s extremely hard for me to acknowledge my accomplishments in the least, so when multiple people say the same damn thing, you know there’s gotta be some truth to it! I’m not just sitting here tooting my own horn.

The good news? You can always heal. It’s never too late. It may take some time, but it’s very much possible!

Don’t lose hope.
 
I'm glad you reached out.
Have you told your therapist about this suicidal ideation you have going on?
Sh...
My "therapist" is no longer available to me as I over stayed my welcome.
Limited resources (public funding)... need to find a new one ASAP and she knows/knew. She was great, but sadly, she had to move on to a new group of people with problems. It's too bad, I clicked with her so well and was comfortable sharing and talking with her.
I've used an emergency hotline sometimes, but I don't see the purpose in it because you talk to someone new all the time.
My doctor knows, but that's of no help, she just simply writes a prescription and that's it.

People can say to me there's still hope and time, but I think I missed that boat, I FEEL that way anyways.
But maybe that's the depression talking? I don't know what to think anymore, it's all too mentally exhausting.
I feel done.

Welcome, and hope you stick around and read the people here that felt and still feel just like you do.…

I was in therapy, but not any longer... I have to find something or someone soon or who knows how I'll react to any life situations that'll come up.
The thing is, I'm so insanely forgetful about a lot of everything... or my mind somehow manages to brush things to the back and I avoid them.
Much like I'm supposed to go to a job thing for people with disabilities (in my case, depression/PTSD).. keep missing any appointments I made with them. Should get on that I guess.. but this legal crap with the "family" is probably keeping me down as a possible mediation date approaches.

I'm going to try and read some of the threads, but I just find sitting and reading things on the screen agitating like crazy.
I prefer sitting in my car and driving nowhere... my car is my "safe spot"... I'm pretty sure it's a learned behavior from living with the alcoholic asshole and avoiding going "home" until he passed out... there's no other logic...that and the fact that my dog is gone and if I'm in my (rented) room, she's not there and it's not a great feeling for me. Too lonely.
Thanks for reading my post.

Welcome!

Pardon my French, but f*ck that high school acquaintance!…

As for that high school acquaintance, maybe, maybe not, but I have to say, it hit me real hard...because I felt like it was true - if I'm gonna be honest with myself.
You're right, dealing with trauma is insanely hard... I don't know why I'm still alive to be honest, but I'm assuming it's that innate feeling to want to stay alive because of the fear of doing something to myself and not succeeding. But he's married and has 2 kids and me, well, nothing, but trauma.
Mind me asking, what makes you "push forward"? Because I don't push, I just wade along in the water like a bottle, not force, just taking the waves and going wherever with no direction really. This is why I feel so worthless...and have for quite awhile.
I admire the fact that you push forward, I'm happy to hear you can do it.

I'm not sure what "healing" is to me really...I keep thinking back to my dog and some girls I dated in the past to when I was happy and I don't think any "healing" could bring me that kind of joy that I had during those times in my life.
Again, could be the depression talking... I don't know.
 
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As for that high school acquaintance, maybe, maybe not, but I have to say, it hit me real hard...

I don’t know what makes me push forward. I guess part of it is that I’ve never lost hope of getting better. My therapist tells me I’m one of her hardest working clients and it amazes her how I’m always pushing forward. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not working hard 24/7. I need a lot of rest and I have plenty of times where I just don’t give a damn. But, overall I’m always working on something, always trying to fix something, even if it’s slow going.
 
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