I'm not good at typing things out, because I don't know where to start, but I'll try.....and I'll do my best to keep it short.
I'm 43.
I've lived a pretty messed up life with my "family" from as far back as I can remember, it was a highly dysfunctional one. "Parents" separated from birth, I was the only child and in the middle of those 2 idiots constantly fighting and using me as their proxy.
Fast forward to 22 years of age (after living with my "father" at this point for 6 years), he's an alcoholic and approaching mid-life (49 years of age) with a lot of personal issues with his mother and sister (money and lots of it, we're talking millions).
So his own mother screws him out of splitting an 8 million fortune between him and his sister.
I become his punching bag at home, CONSTANTLY fighting verbally and trying to control me, but I do NO exaggerate when I say there were constant fights on a daily basis, he always found something to attack me with or about, absolute petty shit.
This went on for 11 years, so he essentially demolished whatever confidence or spirit I had in me left. My therapist recently told me that I was in full out survivor mode for those years and that's why I feel like I've been robbed of those "great years" of my life.
Fast forward to today.
I lost my dog in 2014 - i was BEYOND devastated... had her 14 years and she really saved me, b/c i was ready to kill myself in 2003, but realized I couldn't do that and leave her with him.
The "sperm donor" died in 2015 - 19 YEARS TOO late...didn't shed a tear, f*ck him.
2016 - my best friend killed herself because she couldn't live without her mother who died of cancer and she was sexually abused by her father and uncle (i found out from her sister AFTER she died)
2017 I sell my dad's house in a hot market, got a great price, but buyers back out...
2018 I'll be lucky to sell the house for a price like that again, but now, my "sperm donor's" mother and sister are suing me b/c the grandmother wants money back that she gifted me and told me she'd help me pay bills, etc.. because the "sperm donor" left quite a mess in terms of debt.
I honestly don't know how much more I can take...
But what guts me the most is, are losing my great prime years of 22 - 33 living in a f*cking hell I could not wish on my worst enemy.
I actually think there HAD TO BE some kind of physical damage to my brain because of the constant stress and fear on a daily basis.
I'm starting to slowly get rid of my personal belongings and I'm planning on just throwing most things away soon.
I don't see anything bright for myself in the near future.
I'm Vegan and the reason I say this is, hearing and seeing videos of animals going through what they go through is so heart breaking for me, I'm an empath.
This world doesn't feel like it's for me, I feel like an alien.
The irony is, people at work think I'm this "cool, fun, popular, good looking guy" and a few of them want to hang out and do things... they're in their early to mid 20s, they know i'm 43..
But let's be realistic.... in a few years, I'll be older and they'll be like, ehhh too old.
So better to save myself the embarassment now.
But the thoughts of suicide feel like a solid flow of molasses creeping into my mind now, and it's very persistent. Before the thoughts were sporadic and fast, but this feels "deeper" if that makes sense.
I truly don't want to be here anymore, because every potential relationship I had in the past was so short lived - max 5 months if that. They were beautiful girls, but I was just mentally not there and looking back now, I get it. I can't do anything about it now.
Life moves us all on.
I just want to get rid of my stuff and hope that day when I make the decision to kill myself, comes sooner rather than later.
I have no family, they're all f*cking selfish (on my aunt's side) and my mom, well she's a hoarder, but has a good heart.....but at the same time, was controlling just like the rest of the family was towards me, always telling me what I should do, etc, etc ,etc.
I dunno, this is all just a big ramble, but the suicide thing seems like the only way out to ease the mental anguish I have on a daily basis.
I truly don't know what else I can say....
My life has been shit since the day I was born.
As a high school aquaintance said last year at a bbq with some friends, "you are the most disappointing of us all.... you had the most potential and look at you"...
(yeah, I'm attractive, this isn't my ego, it's just it's a fact, but my mental condition never got me far with any relationship because I never got the love from a "normal family" to give you that unconditonal love to show you're worth something.
So the stigma of good looking people getting it easy in life...bullshit.
I'm a nice guy, I love animals, I love nature................but bad shit keeps happening.
I've tried to put out good vibes to the universe like others claim works...and no, sorry, that's bullshit too.
Excuse the rant....but my life has been one f*ck up after another.
...and I don't think I'll ever get over the 11 years of the worst mental abuse anyone could imagine...all the hands of an alcoholic ""father" ....who wouldn't help me financially and just pounded me into the ground and demoralized me.
I hope I can pull through this and turn my life around... but as the years keep creeping, it seems less and less possible.
if you read this, thank you <3
if not, I'm sorry, but thanks anyway.
I'm 43.
I've lived a pretty messed up life with my "family" from as far back as I can remember, it was a highly dysfunctional one. "Parents" separated from birth, I was the only child and in the middle of those 2 idiots constantly fighting and using me as their proxy.
Fast forward to 22 years of age (after living with my "father" at this point for 6 years), he's an alcoholic and approaching mid-life (49 years of age) with a lot of personal issues with his mother and sister (money and lots of it, we're talking millions).
So his own mother screws him out of splitting an 8 million fortune between him and his sister.
I become his punching bag at home, CONSTANTLY fighting verbally and trying to control me, but I do NO exaggerate when I say there were constant fights on a daily basis, he always found something to attack me with or about, absolute petty shit.
This went on for 11 years, so he essentially demolished whatever confidence or spirit I had in me left. My therapist recently told me that I was in full out survivor mode for those years and that's why I feel like I've been robbed of those "great years" of my life.
Fast forward to today.
I lost my dog in 2014 - i was BEYOND devastated... had her 14 years and she really saved me, b/c i was ready to kill myself in 2003, but realized I couldn't do that and leave her with him.
The "sperm donor" died in 2015 - 19 YEARS TOO late...didn't shed a tear, f*ck him.
2016 - my best friend killed herself because she couldn't live without her mother who died of cancer and she was sexually abused by her father and uncle (i found out from her sister AFTER she died)
2017 I sell my dad's house in a hot market, got a great price, but buyers back out...
2018 I'll be lucky to sell the house for a price like that again, but now, my "sperm donor's" mother and sister are suing me b/c the grandmother wants money back that she gifted me and told me she'd help me pay bills, etc.. because the "sperm donor" left quite a mess in terms of debt.
I honestly don't know how much more I can take...
But what guts me the most is, are losing my great prime years of 22 - 33 living in a f*cking hell I could not wish on my worst enemy.
I actually think there HAD TO BE some kind of physical damage to my brain because of the constant stress and fear on a daily basis.
I'm starting to slowly get rid of my personal belongings and I'm planning on just throwing most things away soon.
I don't see anything bright for myself in the near future.
I'm Vegan and the reason I say this is, hearing and seeing videos of animals going through what they go through is so heart breaking for me, I'm an empath.
This world doesn't feel like it's for me, I feel like an alien.
The irony is, people at work think I'm this "cool, fun, popular, good looking guy" and a few of them want to hang out and do things... they're in their early to mid 20s, they know i'm 43..
But let's be realistic.... in a few years, I'll be older and they'll be like, ehhh too old.
So better to save myself the embarassment now.
But the thoughts of suicide feel like a solid flow of molasses creeping into my mind now, and it's very persistent. Before the thoughts were sporadic and fast, but this feels "deeper" if that makes sense.
I truly don't want to be here anymore, because every potential relationship I had in the past was so short lived - max 5 months if that. They were beautiful girls, but I was just mentally not there and looking back now, I get it. I can't do anything about it now.
Life moves us all on.
I just want to get rid of my stuff and hope that day when I make the decision to kill myself, comes sooner rather than later.
I have no family, they're all f*cking selfish (on my aunt's side) and my mom, well she's a hoarder, but has a good heart.....but at the same time, was controlling just like the rest of the family was towards me, always telling me what I should do, etc, etc ,etc.
I dunno, this is all just a big ramble, but the suicide thing seems like the only way out to ease the mental anguish I have on a daily basis.
I truly don't know what else I can say....
My life has been shit since the day I was born.
As a high school aquaintance said last year at a bbq with some friends, "you are the most disappointing of us all.... you had the most potential and look at you"...
(yeah, I'm attractive, this isn't my ego, it's just it's a fact, but my mental condition never got me far with any relationship because I never got the love from a "normal family" to give you that unconditonal love to show you're worth something.
So the stigma of good looking people getting it easy in life...bullshit.
I'm a nice guy, I love animals, I love nature................but bad shit keeps happening.
I've tried to put out good vibes to the universe like others claim works...and no, sorry, that's bullshit too.
Excuse the rant....but my life has been one f*ck up after another.
...and I don't think I'll ever get over the 11 years of the worst mental abuse anyone could imagine...all the hands of an alcoholic ""father" ....who wouldn't help me financially and just pounded me into the ground and demoralized me.
I hope I can pull through this and turn my life around... but as the years keep creeping, it seems less and less possible.
if you read this, thank you <3
if not, I'm sorry, but thanks anyway.
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