I dont think I can survive this alone. I really need support system right now. Please reach out to me if you are willing to talk to me...


New Here
I'm not sure if i can survive any of this anymore. My world has crashed and everyone has taken everything from me that there's nothing left in me. I feel completely miserable, confused, lonely, alone, angry, upset, sad, anxious, panic. It's all a mix of bad stuff. I really can't survive any of this alone and the saddest part is that no one there to support me. At my worst, i had to endure it all by myself. And i'm so sick of doing that since i was 4 years old (Now i'm 20). 2 days ago was the first time i had the strongest suicidal thought in my life and i've reached the knife but i just couldn't do it. And i can't even call anyone because i don't have anyone that is care about me. even national suicide hotline doesn't seem convincing. I really feel alone and i feel a temptation to reach out again to my narcissist ex. I keep seeking comfort and affection from abuser which i don't even understand and can't even control my action.
I just broke up with my narcissist ex (long distance relationship) for the 99238888213812 times since we've had on and off relationship these past few months because i keep coming back to him due to trauma bond he had caused me. And today is the last time i'm breaking up with him, i'm not going back to him, even if there is a big temptation for me to go back with him, i'll try my best to stop me from doing anything stupid like that. He have hurt me so-so bad this past year (we've dated for a year) he had caused me so much pain, hurt, trauma than any of my ex ever done. He was a very bad person from the start, rude, ignorant, childish, selfish, irresponsible, conservative, trump supporter, such a horrible person to be with. When i decided to break up with him the first 2 months being with him, he manipulate me to come back with him and promise to change and will always love me and make me happy. But he lied, of course he lied. A person like him will never change. He was just pretending he changed and he started the "love bombing" phase. He have done many horrible things in the past and i always give him a pass for that, he told me that i should just do an arranged marriage than being with him, he making fun of my r*pe experience. he ran away from problems when it is directed at him and gave me a silent treatment as a punishment. he have emotionally abuse me, forbid me to have guy friends, separate me from my friends, stalking my activity by an app that he paid on his phone which is completely creepy. He called me jerk and won't even apologize for that because he said he did the right thing and i deserve it for being "mean" to him which i never do that. I told him he hurt me so bad in the point i want to hurt myself and commit su*cide two days ago. But he doesn't even care and just leave me be. Leave me in blue and go back to sleep. He said nothing is his fault and he didn't feel bad for everything that he have done to me. he kept pretending to be dumb and gaslighting me whenever i try to address problem. he will always manipulate me into thinking it's all my fault and i'm the bad person. which is completely draining me for trying to change him so, so hard.
He always didn't want to solve the problems and just ignore it. He have made me lose some of my friends that care about me because he kept planting seed in my head that the world only revovles around us and no one else. Whenever i cry to him about my abusive family that kept hurting me every single day, he doesn't really care about it. He even fell asleep a lot of the time and do not feel bad at all. Whenever i explain to him about narcissist and abuse, he won't listen to me and bragging about all the money he have gave to me (financial abuse) i never force him to send any money to me. he was the one who did from the start by his own will to create such a trauma bond or financial abuse towards me. It's like he should be praise for all the money he have gave me and i'm not allowed to complain about anything or to share about my feelings. And when i told him this relationship is the worst and most painful relationship i ever have, he attack me and say that i'm crazy and nasty to compare him with r*pist (one of my ex has r*pe me for several times)
Our relationship was started so quick. Just in few days after we knew each other, we became a couple. he fell in love so quick which got me super confused.Ever since these past few months, my emotional issues are going worse. I'd cry everyday for hours and every phone calls with my bf is filled with me being sad, crying, extreme mood swings. But i guess it make sense since during these past few months, my abusers have hurt me the worst. My auntie who is obsessed with me kept using me as her robot and body shaming me and force me to go to useless acupuncture where i have to wait 5 hours just for my turn, she also force me to travel 2 hours by train everyday to accompany her to her english course. She also calling me a liar for having Lupus. She thinks it's impossible for me to have Lupus since i look healthy and fit, and she continue to force me do her homework. My sociopath brother who have tried to kill me several times, yelled at me and threatened me at home. I've been with many fight with my psychopath sister too that kept calling me names and curse me to die. My sick father who sexualize and abused me has passed away and his family blame me for his death and says that i never take care of him and i was a bad daughter to him even though i was the one who take care of him for years.
. Whenever i call my bf (now ex), he's always tired and can't really respond much. I've wrote pages of my breakdown and he can only give me short respond about that. I've speak up for 20 mins about my breakdown to him but he can only give me short respond and move on to other topic. He always say everything will be ok but he dont understand because i'm the one who suffer all of this. He decided whats worth money or not. He decided what should i do when i feel confused. I just put out my 3 kittens and my adult cat to animal shelter a couple times ago because i am too tired to take care of them and i've borrowed so many money from my friends to treat their illnesses. I felt a little sad without cat. And i found this stray kitten in front of my house.My bf (now ex) insisted that i have to take care of this stray kitten and he will pay for all the treatment. Even though i told him i'm so tired and it bring me so much stress. I have to take care of the stray kitten all by myself, take her to the vet, give her medicine etc with very difficult bcs she was aggressive and it made me frustated and cry and scream all the time. Turned out this stray kitten brought ringworm to my body, she gave ringworm all over my body and my face. My boyfriend (now ex) doesnt seem guilty about all this pain and illness that i have to put up with. It almost feel like he blame me "i thought you wanted a cat". So i decided to travel for hours to the animal shelter again to put that stray kitten. and i'm still dealing with my ringworm until now, i have it more, and worse. and he doesnt seems like to care a lot about that. Everytime i open up to him about how i wish he didnt treat me like that, he always said "i did my best" "you know i did my best to make you happy" "i'm just one person, i'm doing my best". but i'm not blaming him at all, i just want to share my feeling to him. he used to have many red flags in the past where he doesnt want me to wear revealing clothes to public, doesnt like if i talk to guy friends, he used to paid an app in his phone that tells him exact time i'm offline and online in all of my social media, he used to be a trump supporter, he still have many beliefs that dont match with me but he said it doesnt matter. i talked about him to my friend, and my friend warned me about human trafficking and such so i asked my boyfriend (now ex) about things that felt off about our relationship. But he feels attacked and doesnt like the idea of me doubting him or talking behind his back. the problem is i have been manipulated by many many men and taken advantage by many men and always caught in many dangerous situation thats why i have trust issues now. But after he said he feels super tired, he is only one person, and we havent been having normal conversation since july. just make me want to be more distant with him, since it feels like i'm just a burden to him. he also say stuff "if you doubt my love, keep in mind that i get this job for you, i do everything for you so we can be together"

everytime i ask financial help from him, he always want details about this and that. and give weird alternative (like letting my kitten dead instead of giving money to take them to vet even though he have the money) so then i dont have to spend money. most of money i received from him i use for cats and i used to have debt for my cats and he was so mad and frustated about that. so then i thought i shouldnt be a burden to him anymore. so i borrowed money from my friends but he doesn really like that either. and since that time i dont want to receive any money from him and he got upset and said that i was misunderstood etc so then i received money again when i need help from him.

He'd say stuff about me having to bring gun whenever i go in his country, he'd say stuff of how he is obsessed with me so much that he want to lock me in his room so he will be the only one that can see my beauty. But after i confront him about these stuff he said he's not really serious about it
He will also say stuff "why do you believe your friend more than me?"

I was desperately love him and wanting to move out with him due to my family situation. I have hoping from so many men to be an angel that took me away from my hell, but the truth is no one willing to do that for me for free. i have tried every escape plan that turned useless and turning into nothing since everyone has taken everything from me.
one of my bestfriend told me i could live in her house after i graduate but then she changed her mind when she look closer to reality. she gave me false hopes for a long period of time but i'm over it now. i have tried study so hard to be get scholarship in good university in other town, but then i didn't passed the test and had to re-take it the next year. The next year when i finally get the scholarship (only cover college tuition) my mom broke her promise and said she couldn't support me financially to live in other town. and now i have diagnosed with Lupus and several other physical illness. make it really hard to escape and even live by myself. a friend i recently get closer with offering to share a room with her once she got a decent job, but i'd feel really bad hassleing someone like that. also there is no guarantee she can support me for long. she is extremely unstable and a victim of extreme abuse too. we both are unstable with no emotional help which will make it hard for us to maintain balance living by our own. like.. if her job really pressuring her, she might quit and then we will be homeless.

The worst part now i have to force myself to do mid-term test since i am still in college. and i don't even feel like i can pass mid-term test with all of this problem and the break up and the trauma and pain he had caused me. i really can't survive alone. i am so close on calling my narcissist ex again because i feel so alone and i seek nonexisten love from him. i'm so so lonely and sad. and nobody is there for me. 2 of my friends that care about me are really busy with college i can't bother them. i have no one left for me. i'm really scared and desperate. i'm really alone and this feeling is killing me. I'm completely alone and ruthless about my future. Please if someone is willing to be my friend, reach out to me. Is there anyway to talk privately here?


I keep seeking comfort and affection from abuser which i don't even understand and can't even control my action.
Because it’s worked in the past?

Few of us are truly stupid. If hooking up with an abuser, or shooting heroin, or starting a bar brawl, or cutting, or f*cking a stranger, or whatever... has made us feel better in our worst moments? It doesn’t matter what the long term effects of f*cked up decisions do... in the short term? Our brains know XYZ “worked”. And will reach for that. It’s normal. Not super healthy, but totally normal. It’s haaaaaaard work to change unhealthy coping mechanisms, to health coping mechanisms. But healthy coping mechanisms or unhealthy coping mechanism? They’re all still coping mechanisms. It’s not insane that in moments of desperation? We reach -or want to reach- for what we know works.

Pro Tip = When trying to change from an unhealthy coping mechanism to a healthy one? It’s almost never a straight switch. Plan on needing 5 or 6 NEW coping mechanisms to replace every OLD coping mechanism. And? Do NOT beat yourself up for your knee jerk being the old one. Habits and patterns take awhile to acquire... and take awhile to shift out of. It’s NORMAL to think of the f*cked up things you never ever want in your life ever again... when it’s already been a part of your life. It takes time for the knee jerk to switch to what you want in your life, instead of what you’ve had in your life.


Not Active
I know that there is not much anyone can say that will change how you are feeling right now.I do wish that telling you,you are a wonderful person,no matter what your idiot ex,or any other abusers think.Things can get better if you can hold on till it happens.But I am sorry to say,it takes time,and effort.You are worth it,and you can turn it around.I know it is hard,but try to not let ANYONE define you.You define you!I stopped caring what any jerks in my life think,by putting them and their thoughts in the trash where they belong. Just thinking about how much I used to care about what others think and say,makes me pissed off.I will say that, you must find a way to remove, or at the very least dampen these stressors.It is them make you suffer day and night.It would help you to sleep better, and that in turn,would give you a fighting chance,and the energy to endure the time it takes to find a way out of the darkness. This was the way I escaped their hold on me.There are decent people out there to have in your life,first work on you healing and finding yourself again.I know you can do it too,just like I did.!