I don't think my family is good for me

[RainbowSearchParty]

What has helped me get to where I am currently at, is how awfully she has treated my dad when he was dying, the day he died, and since. The awfulness of her behaviour has helped to accept that her behaviour is hers, and never was a reflection of me. I always was worthy of the love she couldn't give. And that view point has helped shift some of the triggers. Not all, as I'm working through it still. But a lot. So, it does seem to be acceptance helps. If that makes any sense.

I'm realizing this more and more. I know that these people's behavior isn't about me, and I see that clearly now. But I just feel so ACTIVATED when I have to deal with it. Like, I know the insults aren't about me, but they are still insults being told to my face and that is hard.

Or, is there another way of looking after the younger one that avoids contact with your parents? Can someone else help? Or is younger one of an age where you can contact them independently?

Eventually, yes. But there is a lot of ground work to be done to make that happen and I'm working on it. It's a slow process and I'm trying to figure out how to survive that process.

Loving if possible, especially towards the younger one who needs it.

I'm as loving as I an be. But it is so hard when there is no love on the other side.

So it always baffles me, a bit, when people come from abusive/horrifying/evil/assholes and CLING to them.

Me too. And I'm the clinger, apparently.

 

[enough]

So it always baffles me, a bit, when people come from abusive/horrifying/evil/assholes and CLING to them.

I think I get it. We are born with an instinct for survival and i think it is more than just a warmth and nutrition thing. Infants want to be interacted with, children want support and nurturing and adults want respect and fair treatment. The desire to be part of the unit and keep our spot by the campfire is pretty strong. As it applies to the groups we have been in all of our lives it might be right up there with the desire to procreate and to stay alive.
I am not baffled over the amount of hope i held out for my parent's eventual approval or by how long i clung to it. What is hard to grock is how now, long after saying goodbye, even after their deaths, and now into my 60’s, I still get the thought across my brain “this will earn their approval, wait till they know about this”. I have to low whistle at that one, the force is strong in me you bet.
Just another totally normal and natural phenomenon made useless and wrong because the unnatural abhorrent ideas of organized western religion were applied to it. As always, if there is a hell it waits for them, not us.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes @RainbowSearchParty it always kind of sticks with me that if kids are so resilient why do so many adults end up in therapy talking about their childhood?

I think its ok to leave room for change without any particular hope for it, since anything is possible though not probable. More important is to surround yourself with supportive people and also try to choose what brings you well being, and be grateful for them and that. Its normal to feel hurt by insults and hard when you can't get away from it. It's also normal and healthy to take care of yourself and recognize what helps you vs harms you. It doesn't have to be a big sweeping decision but even a daily one. Sometimes the only sane choice is to change your focus.