I don't understand and I want to.

HumanNOS

Learning
If I'm in the wrong place, forgive me, and direct me somewhere else. I am still new to all this, but I'm trying very hard to respect this group. Because right now, all you people that I don't know, are my biggest support system.

I've worked many years in therapy, CBT, EMDR to focus on issues I had as a kid. Because I was a kid and didn't give all the information, I was diagnosed with OCD (I believe my hypervigilant behavior (checking the stove was off, making sure the door was locked) was all they could go on, since I refused to tell them that my mother would constantly talk to me about killing herself (age6), I was never diagnosed with PTSD. It wasn't until the last two years that I have been "retraumatized" twice (suicidal daughter), to the point where my docs have put all the pieces together. I just recently accepted their diagnosis on a personal level, it was hard.

So my pdoc up'd my meds a bit. And you know what...I was feeling good. I had made my introduction here. I had been more productive. I felt better. And then yesterday was grocery day. I've never been agoraphobic but the anxiety blanket that laid down on top of me was heavy. And I did not know what to do with it. I don't understand what is going on in my brain. I didn't know what coping skills to use. I know logically that it wasn't an honest thought. But it didn't help. I did end up going just fine and getting home. But I was still just ashamed it had taken me so long to summon the courage.

I feel so lost and I haven't felt that in a very long time. I am the mother of three adopted special needs children. I am a fighter, intimidating and strong.

But, I don't know where to start with this. I know panic attacks, anxiety feelings, etc are just the symptoms of something bigger, but I'm not for sure how to get to the core of "it." And right now I'm keeping myself as busy as possible with positive things -- gardening, organizing, cooking -- but I feel like those all might be avoidance. I just don't understand, in a very childlike manner.

So, if you have anything you think may help, I'm here to listen. And if you have any questions to understand, I'm an open book.

Thanks for your time.
MJ
 

Friday

Moderator
But, I don't know where to start with this. I know panic attacks, anxiety feelings, etc are just the symptoms of something bigger, but I'm not for sure how to get to the core of "it."
THIS >>> The ptsd cup explanation <<< Conceptualizes how PTSD causes symptoms in day to day life.
And right now I'm keeping myself as busy as possible with positive things -- gardening, organizing, cooking -- but I feel like those all might be avoidance. I just don't understand, in a very childlike manner.
Avoidance isn’t an inherently bad thing, although it clearly can be, both avoidance and distraction can ALSO be exceptionally healthy/valid/useful coping strategies & tools to use, to keep stress levels down far enough to be functional. It’s a question of balance & effect.
 
O

OpenForSuggestions

I know how you feel. Wanting the emotion or pain to come to the surface and just come out.
Forgiveness plays a big role sometimes, if there’s someone. I imagine if you’ve done therapy sessions, you’ve already gone after these pretty hard.
Oftentimes, for me, it’s when I’m distracting myself and doing other things that sometimes allows these things to free up and come to the surface as I’m paying attention to something else. Also, I write and read. I often find a book/movie that has something I secretly want. There’s some emotion in it, some circumstance, some need being met that is the one I want. I find it therapeutic.
If it’s a fear then I can practice gaining confidence around somewhere i feel safe. This one might not be applicable. One time, after a tree landed on my canoe, it took a hundred walks in the woods or on sidewalks beside trees with nothing happening to feel comfortable around them again.
This might not be applicable for you, depending on your beliefs, but praise often helps me.
Again, the things you’re going through might be completely different. These are just some of the things that help me.
if you’re still having to deal w threat of suicide in loved ones and if that is the thing causing problems, I don’t know. I know you can gain inner healing, but, yeah, I don’t know. Someone else probably knows better.
 
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