I don't want things to get better/ I don't want to feel okay

[Ecdysis]

This is another super weird new core belief, that feels totally alien and strange to me, and yet it's there...

All my life, I wanted to heal from childhood trauma and invested massively in doing so.

Ever since I got retraumatised a few years ago... that's gone.... It's like I've resigned myself to things being awful from here on in.

I don't even want hope anymore... because hope means you can get disappointed again...

I just want it all to end and to draw to its final shitty, horrible conclusion

I'm done trying, I'm done hoping, I'm done investing, I'm done fighting, I'm done wishing, I'm just done

I want things to be bad now and I want them to be over and I want my life to draw to a close, I'm so sick of it all.

When I think of who I used to be, I can't fathom that this is now the new me, that I could possibly think such thoughts. It shocks and confuses me.

And yet, it is what it is.

How can things possibly have any chance of getting better, if I don't at least *want* things to get better?

How can there be any hope, when I'm rejecting hope?

How on earth do I turn this around to connect to wanting to be alive and wanting to be okay, again?

How do I change this, when I don't even know what it is?

 

[Sideways]

How can things possibly have any chance of getting better, if I don't at least *want* things to get better?

This sounds a whole lot like the Hopelessness/Helplessness power duo that you see with a major depressive episode. Even contemplating recovery can seem self-defeating and an invitation for more misery.

If that’s what’s going on for you (big “If” - I could be way off), that would move it out of the core belief area, and into brain chemistry issues. During a major depressive episode, our brains go into this weird place where there’s certain key functions that it can no longer pull off - stuff like Hope becomes inaccessible.

For me, that meant spending a long time (years and years) taking it on faith that the medical community was right, and I was wrong. No matter how compelling my brain persuaded me that it wasn’t possible for things to improve, and that I wanted things to be over, rather than ‘recover’.

 

[Ecdysis]

Yeah, it could be. I have no idea.

I've struggled with PTSD all my life, but this is my first bout of major depression and it's totally new territory to me.

I've always assumed depression is not having hope... But this feels "worse"... Like I don't even want the bits of hope that do exists.

If I force myself to think logically/ neutrally, I can "see" some elements of hope... But it's like I want them to go away. It's like I don't *want* joy, I want misery.

Opening myself up to the potential of joy just feels a thousand times too vulnerable. Sticking to misery seems soooo much safer cos then I know what's coming and can prepare for it and that'll make it hurt less.

Hearing myself say that, makes me think my brain is broken.

 

[littleoc]

I'm just commenting to say I've been really feeling the same as you lately. I noticed while I was in a controlled environment (the mental hospital) that I was doing much better, though -- maybe if nothing matters right now, why not agree to give yourself a little vacation? It doesn't have to be anywhere crazy, it can just be sitting in the park or looking at fish in a pet store. Stuff like that is allowing me to hang on, not that I was trying to, but again, when nothing matters and you might die tomorrow, why not give yourself something good to do off your bucket list, right? :P

I'm sorry you feel this way, I hear you <3

 

[Sideways]

Hearing myself say that, makes me think my brain is broken

Yeah. I hear you. Depression has been worse for me than ptsd.

But, they were right. If that helps at all.

 

[Liljulz67]

Oh my god,this is really honest and I appreciate you just letting it all out.i feel the same way and the only thing that keeps me afloat is I know what the work requires,it is f*cking hard.it is a very awful thing to live with and seems like everything is a trigger for me.i am on the verge of not having friends anymore cause there is no hope with me relating to anyone.I have a sister I love very much and she has been amazing.i think about the hurt I will cause others and that's what keeps me from doing anything Stupid.i always seem to have nice dreams to help.in real life it is Hell.thanks to alot of awful things that happened to me at home,I do not think I can ever trust anyone,there is glimpses of trust but never enough to allow anyone to get close I use to get so sad about this but my tears are running out.seems like the only way I can exist would be in a cave.far away from My broken self.people have tried to help me its just so difficult to move forward.i called suicide hotlines more this year than ever.20 plus years,it is not easy.i know what you're feeling.i live it everyday.Take care

 

[Tinyflame]

I think hope and fearing disappointment are connected. It really becomes easier to avoid what feels like it will be another defeat or setback.

 

[arfie]

in the early recovery i discovered that healing was not as simple as being more willful.

here in my later recovery, the bad days are a tribute to @Tinyflame 's assertion that hope and fearing disappointment are connected. deeply connected, in my own case.

for what it's worth
on those days where i fear still more disappointment, i let myself grieve the injustices which brought me here, including the anger which always seems to erupt with that grief. the pain passes and the hope reemerges. my fear of still more disappointment passes with the grief episode.

 

[Liljulz67]

in the early recovery i discovered that healing was not as simple as being more willful.

here in my later recovery, the bad days are a tribute to @Tinyflame 's assertion that hope and fearing disappointment are connected. deeply connected, in my own case.

for what it's worth
on those days where i fear still more disappointment, i let myself grieve the injustices which brought me here, including the anger which always seems to erupt with that grief. the pain passes and the hope reemerges. my fear of still more disappointment passes with the grief episode.

Process is always key.very good to be reminde,always go through these steps even though sometimes all I can do is hold on and wait which is difficult at times.

 

[arfie]

wait which is difficult at times.

waiting gets my vote as the most difficult piece of this puzzle.
god, please grant me patience. ! ! !NOW GODDAMMIT! ! !

 

[Liljulz67]

waiting gets my vote as the most difficult piece of this puzzle.
god, please grant me patience. ! ! !NOW GODDAMMIT! ! !

Yes I agree,waiting is difficult.all I know is Not to give up,do everything in my power not to say or do anything Stupid to myself or others.for Example:I get stuck and never have the ability to feel but my body feels it,meaning they are both connected and when the brain goes so does the body.once I get to a place of releasing the tension it is just better.i incorporate walking,excercising,Yoga and Somatics to try to get things moving.oh and Meditation everyday.

 

[arfie]

do everything in my power not to say or do anything Stupid to myself or others

this would be the pesky detail which seems to usher in the setbacks in my own case. my childish drive to control seems to collide with my low self-esteem and ? ? ? anything goes? the results are as predictable as a collision between a force of nature and an unmovable institution.

i shoot to let go and let god before i start the most excellent therapy tools you just listed. the result is only different by an attitude, but attitude counts.