I Don't Want to BE Here

Eagle3

MyPTSD Pro
Man, the past few years have been the biggest kick in the b*lls....

Employment has always been spotty, but I was fired TWICE from my therapeutic horse job! They hired me knowing I had physical and mental health issues, but when extreme situations happened and I couldn't deal with the care of 20 horses in apocalyptic weather conditions alone, they finally fired me for good. That job was so good for me in so many ways, and losing it has just......it felt like the final straw. All vestiges of any self-worth or capability, up in smoke. On top of that, having to deal with the truth of just how bad my physical condition really is. Now that I'm on SSDI and able to pursue the multiple physical diagnoses I've been neglecting, I just feel even worse. The medical answers I keep getting are "incurable, untreatable, and degenerative". That's a lot to deal with under 40 years old! So, not only do I have Autism and PTSD (with all kinds of anxiety and depression), I have degenerative, incurable conditions that leave me physically incapable of living my life.

I live with my parents and while they do help float me financially to a certain extent, they're just as physically and cognitively challenged as I am, in some ways even worse! They don't accept my transgender self, they barely acknowledge my physical and mental issues, and they sure as HELL don't acknowledge their OWN issues. Emotional support is sparse at best, and my family is still involved in the Christian cult I got out of, so living here is the biggest trigger I have. My brother has pretty much disowned me since I've come out, so I know when my parents pass, my next option will be the streets. Even the local LGBTQ resource and counseling center dropped me from care!

I don't like this. My life was not supposed to be this way. I'm adaptable, I can accept my situation, but knowing I will never be a functional part of society HURTS!! Losing my horses, losing my family, losing my hope for independence and an adult life.....what's the point anymore? Even my martial arts is realistically out of reach, although I still go to class and just watch and socialize. My existence is nothing but a study in futility and pain, and I HATE it!!! I can honestly say I've hit the point where I won't pursue medical care for a Major Medical Event (which is a distinct possibility at this point!). It scares me to think about my life ending, but I have several suicidal parts, and they're gaining strength. I'm just....tired and in pain, in every way.

And tomorrow I'll wake up and keep trying to move forward like I always do, even against my own Self screaming how futile the effort is....I'll keep TRYING.
 
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JGirl

Confident
When I read your post @Eagle3 , what jumps out at me is your strength. You have had a lot thrown at you yet you are still trying. It sounds like you could use some real life help. Is there a distress line that you can call where you are?
 

Eagle3

MyPTSD Pro
All groups are still online or too far away. My dojo is FINALLY going masks-optional in January so I can get back on the mat as long as I can afford to pay for classes (gonna ask my parents for that, but they're poor too).

I have an excellent therapist, and have weekly appointments with him, but need more contact and can't afford it; then, since I already HAVE a therapist, community organizations won't touch me. There ARE no resources in my city, but what IS available I already use. There's thousands of people in my city in similar circumstances. Doesn't make it any easier for me.....
 

Renly

Learning
I don't like this. My life was not supposed to be this way. I'm adaptable, I can accept my situation, but knowing I will never be a functional part of society HURTS!! …

And tomorrow I'll wake up and keep trying to move forward like I always do, even against my own Self screaming how futile the effort is....I'll keep TRYING.
I know I don’t know you, but it seems like you are giving it a sincere effort to find your place in life, which is indeed admirable. And can you really be certain you aren’t ever going to be a functional part of society? All any of us can do is keep trying and try not to lose our hope (which I truly understand is not easy as I’ve lost my own hope many times and can relate). It’s always been easier for me to see the hope and opportunity for others…even in dire situations, and I believe it’s there for you based on your words and intent. Hang in there. I’m rooting for you to get past this hurdle. I hope your trying leads you to exactly where you need to be.
 

LuckiLee

MyPTSD Pro
Hi @Eagle3. Sorry things are so difficult right now. It sounds like your "cup" runneth over. 💐

J was able to find a wonderful non-profit to work for. They hire people with different skill levels and physical capabilities. They accommodate his disabilities and allow him time off for his doctors appointments.

PCSI.org
Professional Contract Services Inc. Based out of Austin, TX. Maybe they have something for you? You're in Texas, right? They have multiple sites across the country.

I know you have a lot on your plate but I just wanted to share this with you. If they can't help maybe another non-profit can.

Get some rest. Tomorrow's a new day. (It's 1:30 a.m. here so today's a new day. 😉)

Sending positive vibes and peaceful thoughts your way. 🫂
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
That is so much to navigate @Eagle3.

You're here. Fighting.

I wonder if there are some things to see differently. Like, being a fully functional member of society. You can be.
Like not ever being able to love independently or away from your parents. There could be more choices in this.
Like not ever being able to work again. There could be jobs out there that accommodate your needs.

Sounds like right now, those ways forward seem out of reach for you. But they are there. But maybe the first step is processing the grief of losing your job, losing your future you had planned, losing a future where the prospect of full health was a possibility. That's a lot of grieve. It doesn't mean it is the end though.

Sitting with you.
 
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