Texengland
New Here
I've been a lurker here for quite a while, but I am at a point now where I need as much input as I can get from as many who have BTDT as I can get because I am completely lost--
I think I might be ready to make the hardest decision I have ever had to make in my life and that is to divorce the absolute love of my life, my wife. Looking back now I can see that when we met, she was in a very protective and overcompensating state which came across as kind of arrogant and prickish because she had left a very physically abusive relationship. I almost broke it off with her because of this but I could see something clawing under the surface to get out so I decided I would stick it out for a bit longer and boy was I glad I did. Under that hard protective exterior was the most kind, caring, genuine and loving person I had ever met in my entire life, and I knew at that point that this beautiful person was the one I wanted to live out my days with. I’m not going into the details of the issues that caused her CPTSD but let’s just say it was multiple instances (sexual and physical abuse as a child and adult) across many spectrums that I know this gentle being did not deserve to suffer through. Like all couples we have had our issues with communication both from her perspective of stuffing her CPTSD (initially misdiagnosed as BPD) deep down inside and ignoring it along with my own issues of being wound up inside my head (Getting tested for Asperger’s next week actually). So, as you can see, not a recipe for good comms between us!! I know I failed her in many ways as a husband because of my issues in showing her on the outside what I felt on the inside, that she was everything to me. I thought that my actions were enough, but I know they weren’t, and I know now after researching CPTSD for over a year exactly what I should have done to show this woman how she means the world to me. I know I messed up in a lot of ways, but I also know it was never intentional. That’s no excuse and I own my mistakes though. I have never and I never will do anything to intentionally hurt this woman no matter how much she chooses to hurt me in this stage.
Fast forward to the last 2 years and things went downhill, we tried marriage counseling but the marriage counselor said there wasn’t really much we could do because of her BPD (which was actually CPTSD) keeping her closed off and not wanting to communicate. Which after all my research I can see clear as day now and understand why that would be so hard. We took a break from that, and she started seeing a therapist which is where they told her she has CPTSD instead of BPD and about a month after the start there things really went to sh*t. She said she had to get out of the house because she needed time to get her head right and moved in with her sister and left all her of pets with me and 99% of her stuff about 7 months ago. Now my personal opinion with this is not so good as her sister is diagnosed Bipolar and is just an overall manipulative and vindictive person whose only purpose is to serve her own goals and her brother-in-law is a hot-tempered ass most of the time. Both of those types of people are triggers for my wife, but nothing I could say would convince her that living there is not conducive to a healthy healing environment.
The first few months weren’t too bad, but communication started slacking when she bought her motorcycle and started riding with groups of other people for “therapy” as she called it. Now to backtrack a little bit, when she was 17, she ran away from home to live with this same sister and did pretty much the exact same thing with the motorcycle “therapy”. Once that started she started lying to other people telling them she was divorced, going through a divorce and telling people about her life which included past things from her life, my life and our life but all mixed together which showed me that something wasn’t right inside her head and that she was most likely having some very hard struggles which I know therapy can cause by bringing up all the repressed emotions. I asked her to come home and watch the animals for a few days so I could get away and get some time for my own mental health and she refused, I’ve told her I need to schedule my colonoscopy because I have Ulcerative Colitis and was due over a year ago and she ignores me. Since then though it has just gotten progressively worse to where she is now emotionally abusive, manipulative and I am 100% sure has had at least one emotional affair and almost 95% sure of a physical affair as well. How far that went I don’t know.
Now it may make me seem like a pushover, but once I found out I told her I could understand where all this was coming from and that I was willing to forgive and work past it, but she continues to just purposely ignore me and pretend like I don’t exist (no real direct comms since January). I’ve given up so much these past 2 years for this woman, no sex, no love, no support yet I have tried to be there for her and to learn and be better for her every step of the way. But at this point with the lies and the affair and the emotional abuse I am just dying. I have lost 21 pounds through all of this and suffer from severe depression to the point that my own therapists are putting me on Prozac and Xanax. I am just completely broken and lost and trying to keep it together just to type this. I love this woman so much and I can’t bring myself to admit that this “woman” is the same gentle, sweet, nurturing, and loving woman that I fell in love with and married. I know she is having a very hard time and I can’t help but feel that I if I divorce her that I am abandoning her in a time of need even if she doesn’t realize it. I feel like I’d be divorcing whoever this woman is and at the same time it would also take away the love of my life who is buried somewhere down deep inside of her in a protective vault which feels like I’m just putting a gun to my head.
My logical side tells me that for my own sake I need to do this and suffer the heartbreak of losing her and abandoning her but to save myself in the long run. However, my heart tells me that this isn’t the person I married, and I need to be there for her and in the end this will all pass and will be a learning experience for all that will make things stronger moving forward. All the wonderful memories I have of her and the life we built together and the plans for our future are just completely foreign to me when I think of it in the perspective of whoever this “woman” is that she has become the last several months who tries to be “hard” and “strong” when I know for a fact the woman she really is fragile and deserves love and support.
Sorry for the long post, I’m just rambling because I am extremely lost and confused and hurt and just need to vent a little. I’m just looking for perspectives from anybody else who has been on either side of a similar situation. Thank You for Reading.
I should add one of the reasons the marriage counselor said a lot of the issues were coming back is because she was in a stable and loving environment which allowed for less distractions and made it harder to repress the trauma if that makes sense to anybody else.
Thank yall for listening and on a happier note I did live in the UK for 3 years a long time ago and really miss it.
I think I might be ready to make the hardest decision I have ever had to make in my life and that is to divorce the absolute love of my life, my wife. Looking back now I can see that when we met, she was in a very protective and overcompensating state which came across as kind of arrogant and prickish because she had left a very physically abusive relationship. I almost broke it off with her because of this but I could see something clawing under the surface to get out so I decided I would stick it out for a bit longer and boy was I glad I did. Under that hard protective exterior was the most kind, caring, genuine and loving person I had ever met in my entire life, and I knew at that point that this beautiful person was the one I wanted to live out my days with. I’m not going into the details of the issues that caused her CPTSD but let’s just say it was multiple instances (sexual and physical abuse as a child and adult) across many spectrums that I know this gentle being did not deserve to suffer through. Like all couples we have had our issues with communication both from her perspective of stuffing her CPTSD (initially misdiagnosed as BPD) deep down inside and ignoring it along with my own issues of being wound up inside my head (Getting tested for Asperger’s next week actually). So, as you can see, not a recipe for good comms between us!! I know I failed her in many ways as a husband because of my issues in showing her on the outside what I felt on the inside, that she was everything to me. I thought that my actions were enough, but I know they weren’t, and I know now after researching CPTSD for over a year exactly what I should have done to show this woman how she means the world to me. I know I messed up in a lot of ways, but I also know it was never intentional. That’s no excuse and I own my mistakes though. I have never and I never will do anything to intentionally hurt this woman no matter how much she chooses to hurt me in this stage.
Fast forward to the last 2 years and things went downhill, we tried marriage counseling but the marriage counselor said there wasn’t really much we could do because of her BPD (which was actually CPTSD) keeping her closed off and not wanting to communicate. Which after all my research I can see clear as day now and understand why that would be so hard. We took a break from that, and she started seeing a therapist which is where they told her she has CPTSD instead of BPD and about a month after the start there things really went to sh*t. She said she had to get out of the house because she needed time to get her head right and moved in with her sister and left all her of pets with me and 99% of her stuff about 7 months ago. Now my personal opinion with this is not so good as her sister is diagnosed Bipolar and is just an overall manipulative and vindictive person whose only purpose is to serve her own goals and her brother-in-law is a hot-tempered ass most of the time. Both of those types of people are triggers for my wife, but nothing I could say would convince her that living there is not conducive to a healthy healing environment.
The first few months weren’t too bad, but communication started slacking when she bought her motorcycle and started riding with groups of other people for “therapy” as she called it. Now to backtrack a little bit, when she was 17, she ran away from home to live with this same sister and did pretty much the exact same thing with the motorcycle “therapy”. Once that started she started lying to other people telling them she was divorced, going through a divorce and telling people about her life which included past things from her life, my life and our life but all mixed together which showed me that something wasn’t right inside her head and that she was most likely having some very hard struggles which I know therapy can cause by bringing up all the repressed emotions. I asked her to come home and watch the animals for a few days so I could get away and get some time for my own mental health and she refused, I’ve told her I need to schedule my colonoscopy because I have Ulcerative Colitis and was due over a year ago and she ignores me. Since then though it has just gotten progressively worse to where she is now emotionally abusive, manipulative and I am 100% sure has had at least one emotional affair and almost 95% sure of a physical affair as well. How far that went I don’t know.
Now it may make me seem like a pushover, but once I found out I told her I could understand where all this was coming from and that I was willing to forgive and work past it, but she continues to just purposely ignore me and pretend like I don’t exist (no real direct comms since January). I’ve given up so much these past 2 years for this woman, no sex, no love, no support yet I have tried to be there for her and to learn and be better for her every step of the way. But at this point with the lies and the affair and the emotional abuse I am just dying. I have lost 21 pounds through all of this and suffer from severe depression to the point that my own therapists are putting me on Prozac and Xanax. I am just completely broken and lost and trying to keep it together just to type this. I love this woman so much and I can’t bring myself to admit that this “woman” is the same gentle, sweet, nurturing, and loving woman that I fell in love with and married. I know she is having a very hard time and I can’t help but feel that I if I divorce her that I am abandoning her in a time of need even if she doesn’t realize it. I feel like I’d be divorcing whoever this woman is and at the same time it would also take away the love of my life who is buried somewhere down deep inside of her in a protective vault which feels like I’m just putting a gun to my head.
My logical side tells me that for my own sake I need to do this and suffer the heartbreak of losing her and abandoning her but to save myself in the long run. However, my heart tells me that this isn’t the person I married, and I need to be there for her and in the end this will all pass and will be a learning experience for all that will make things stronger moving forward. All the wonderful memories I have of her and the life we built together and the plans for our future are just completely foreign to me when I think of it in the perspective of whoever this “woman” is that she has become the last several months who tries to be “hard” and “strong” when I know for a fact the woman she really is fragile and deserves love and support.
Sorry for the long post, I’m just rambling because I am extremely lost and confused and hurt and just need to vent a little. I’m just looking for perspectives from anybody else who has been on either side of a similar situation. Thank You for Reading.
I should add one of the reasons the marriage counselor said a lot of the issues were coming back is because she was in a stable and loving environment which allowed for less distractions and made it harder to repress the trauma if that makes sense to anybody else.
Thank yall for listening and on a happier note I did live in the UK for 3 years a long time ago and really miss it.
