I don't want to deal with my life...

[SeekingAfrica]

I'm not saying that I'm suicidal or even depressed... well, maybe depressed. Which is fine when you have one specific task to push through.
Now that I'm broke and my daily job is to apply for jobs from home, I feel untethered.
I made a plan at first and was so enthusiastic.

One thing went wrong in the plan and I crumbled.

And despite being 'okay' (not starving, not exhausted, not... I'm fine) but I just feel numb. But not in the not-feeling way.
More in the 'things are piling up and I don't want to be ME' kind of way.

I don't want to bother cleaning or getting dressed.
I don't want to apply for clients when I feel so unworthy of earning enough.
I don't want to browse zillion ads to find 1 I might be fitted to.
I don't want to wait for a week to be able to do the 1 thing that seems exciting to me right now.
I don't want to try to draw after not having done it in a year because it's the one thing I was naturally born with and losing it will be another wound I can't handle.
I don't want to brainstorm art ideas for themes or post about mental health and journaling, when I'm barely getting by and all I can think of is 'I'm a fraud' and 'I have more debt than I'll ever repay'.
I don't want to print CVs to apply when I have no professional clothes, all I have is ill fitted and 80% of my last month was trying to survive.
I don't want to workout even at home because I haven't in so long that I'm weak now and hard-earned muscles have become soft.
I don't want to start earning too much because then I'd have to go to therapy and the doctor for my hair-falling issue.
I don't want to move immediately because it feels traumatic, but I want to be in a new place/apartment.
I want to earn enough to be okay with paying my rent debt and living expenses and maybe have a 100$ extra.
I don't want to move, tbh.
I want to move months back, years back, before I screwed up my life.
I want someone to bring me food, clean clothes, draw me a bath, and give me help to start my shop, and tell me I am capable. To tell me they got me for the night, clean my place, help me brainstorm, leave me enough money for food and supplies and tell me to watch a movie, sleep 12h and then get to business- not for making money, not for a goal, but to see if I can. To see if I'm better this time around. I want to be able to pay for online therapy until I am strong enough to go in person.

I just want a moment where my life doesn't feel like a house on fire I need to put out immediately.
A moment where taking time for myself doesn't come with a bunch of guild and self-loathing.
It just feels like the last month bled me dry and I just don't want to deal with all this,. Me. With my age, my health issues, me mental health issues, my debt, my body. It's exhausting, I'm exhausted of trying to be better and sliding back, of negotiating with people, of doing work I hate to have the time to apply for more work I don't like, to answer messages that I've left unanswered for far too long.
I'm exhausted of typing, eating, breathing. I'm just tired. And YES, things were a zillion times worse last month. I recognise that as a step forward. I was happy for a second and now I'm exhausted and sleepy mid-day because I'm just tired of thinking about all of it, all I wrote, I just want to quietly slip put the back door. I want a choice that isn't going from 'the worst' to 'slightly better'. I want stupid sites like gofund me to work for people like me. I want to have chat therapy pn my phone without paying 3 months ahead. I want to be able to order takeout for a first time in years because the weather is awful and I'm feeling the way I described. And feeling like this for a night, in the grand scheme of things? Not the end of the world by a long shot.

But I recognise my feelings now.
This isn't fleeting. This is the brief relief of having taken afternoon off and slept plenty,. and then all the above-mentioned things crushing me again.

 

[arfie]

I just want a moment where my life doesn't feel like a house on fire I need to put out immediately

nope, this isn't fleeting. i count it as an ongoing necessity of basic healthcare. my life --even the NFF (do f*cking fair) days when the house really is on fire-- has been running smoother since i put those moments as number one on the minimum daily requirement list for good health. taking those moments where i just let rome burn in favor of self-care is essential to my spiritual diet. without that healthy spiritual diet, i am more able to set house fires than i am to put them out. there's always a fire somewhere. i'm not going to change that fact of life by jumping into the proverbial fire.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

taking those moments where i just let rome burn in favor of self-care is essential to my spiritual diet. without that healthy spiritual diet, i am more able to set house fires than i am to put them out.

Sorry, really bad with getting metaphors today.
Definitely not a fleeting feeling, which begs the question- now what?

I only understood you mean something about persistent health care or self care, but not exactly. What did you mean?
What should I be doing?
Today I lost time, on the couch and feeling weak and depressed and whatever I expressed way better above.
Point is I don't want it to become a habit this month.

I maybe able to work on better nutrition.
Therapy I can work with whatever is free so sporadically.
So how do I keep healthy enough to improve my work situation enough? Healthy mentally, spirit and all that?
If there's time to do anything t's now.

 

[arfie]

Today I lost time, on the couch and feeling weak and depressed

sounds enough like the physical flu to get me thinking of the psychic flu theory i have reaped so much healing mojo from. doctor arf prescribes rest, fluids and soft food. i'll send the bill to anthony.

an off-shoot of the psychic flu theories is that our psychic health also needs healthy nutrition for optimal performance. loving myself enough to take those moments away from whatever emergency is clamoring today is high fiber spiritual health food.

in my own psychotic herstory, the work situation improved with my psychic health. different thread, but all the threads are connected.

 

[Liljulz67]

I'm not saying that I'm suicidal or even depressed... well, maybe depressed. Which is fine when you have one specific task to push through.
Now that I'm broke and my daily job is to apply for jobs from home, I feel untethered.
I made a plan at first and was so enthusiastic.

One thing went wrong in the plan and I crumbled.

And despite being 'okay' (not starving, not exhausted, not... I'm fine) but I just feel numb. But not in the not-feeling way.
More in the 'things are piling up and I don't want to be ME' kind of way.

I don't want to bother cleaning or getting dressed.
I don't want to apply for clients when I feel so unworthy of earning enough.
I don't want to browse zillion ads to find 1 I might be fitted to.
I don't want to wait for a week to be able to do the 1 thing that seems exciting to me right now.
I don't want to try to draw after not having done it in a year because it's the one thing I was naturally born with and losing it will be another wound I can't handle.
I don't want to brainstorm art ideas for themes or post about mental health and journaling, when I'm barely getting by and all I can think of is 'I'm a fraud' and 'I have more debt than I'll ever repay'.
I don't want to print CVs to apply when I have no professional clothes, all I have is ill fitted and 80% of my last month was trying to survive.
I don't want to workout even at home because I haven't in so long that I'm weak now and hard-earned muscles have become soft.
I don't want to start earning too much because then I'd have to go to therapy and the doctor for my hair-falling issue.
I don't want to move immediately because it feels traumatic, but I want to be in a new place/apartment.
I want to earn enough to be okay with paying my rent debt and living expenses and maybe have a 100$ extra.
I don't want to move, tbh.
I want to move months back, years back, before I screwed up my life.
I want someone to bring me food, clean clothes, draw me a bath, and give me help to start my shop, and tell me I am capable. To tell me they got me for the night, clean my place, help me brainstorm, leave me enough money for food and supplies and tell me to watch a movie, sleep 12h and then get to business- not for making money, not for a goal, but to see if I can. To see if I'm better this time around. I want to be able to pay for online therapy until I am strong enough to go in person.

I just want a moment where my life doesn't feel like a house on fire I need to put out immediately.
A moment where taking time for myself doesn't come with a bunch of guild and self-loathing.
It just feels like the last month bled me dry and I just don't want to deal with all this,. Me. With my age, my health issues, me mental health issues, my debt, my body. It's exhausting, I'm exhausted of trying to be better and sliding back, of negotiating with people, of doing work I hate to have the time to apply for more work I don't like, to answer messages that I've left unanswered for far too long.
I'm exhausted of typing, eating, breathing. I'm just tired. And YES, things were a zillion times worse last month. I recognise that as a step forward. I was happy for a second and now I'm exhausted and sleepy mid-day because I'm just tired of thinking about all of it, all I wrote, I just want to quietly slip put the back door. I want a choice that isn't going from 'the worst' to 'slightly better'. I want stupid sites like gofund me to work for people like me. I want to have chat therapy pn my phone without paying 3 months ahead. I want to be able to order takeout for a first time in years because the weather is awful and I'm feeling the way I described. And feeling like this for a night, in the grand scheme of things? Not the end of the world by a long shot.

But I recognise my feelings now.
This isn't fleeting. This is the brief relief of having taken afternoon off and slept plenty,. and then all the above-mentioned things crushing me again.

Take it easy, that is a hell of alot of...I can't tell you I have an answer but really try to break it down to the most important being you.i understand when a pile up happens in our brains all I want is being comforted.i had to learn to treat me with the gentlest of care and took me a very long time.i wish I had a magic wand and help.easy on you.just. breathe.take one thing at a time or all this will consume you.

 

[katkit]

The easiest to do from your list would be a bath (even if it is cold),

 

[whiteraven]

Oh, @SeekingAfrica--I could have written this! I know these feelings and non-feelings, I know this misery. I will say that I finally found a job where the people aren't toxic, I get paid a relatively decent wage, and it doesn't stress me out like all the ones before it did.

And I found it by accident. Or, really, it found me. That part of my life is better, for now anyway, which has been a huge help when I look at it objectively. As I sit in the middle of it all, I think I overlook that. I wrote everything down on paper a couple of years ago and tried to pick out the most important. The one that needed fixed *now*--it didn't help everything, but it took the worry of income out of the picture (well, for now, anyway).

Anyway, all that to say is I understand these feelings on a very deep level. And I'm so sorry you are dealing with them now. It can feel endless and pointless and hopeless. I don't have any advice that will fix it--I'm learning no one doe--but I sit with you in that understanding.

 

[abovedown]

I'm not saying that I'm suicidal or even depressed... well, maybe depressed. Which is fine when you have one specific task to push through.
Now that I'm broke and my daily job is to apply for jobs from home, I feel untethered.
I made a plan at first and was so enthusiastic.

One thing went wrong in the plan and I crumbled.

And despite being 'okay' (not starving, not exhausted, not... I'm fine) but I just feel numb. But not in the not-feeling way.
More in the 'things are piling up and I don't want to be ME' kind of way.

I don't want to bother cleaning or getting dressed.
I don't want to apply for clients when I feel so unworthy of earning enough.
I don't want to browse zillion ads to find 1 I might be fitted to.
I don't want to wait for a week to be able to do the 1 thing that seems exciting to me right now.
I don't want to try to draw after not having done it in a year because it's the one thing I was naturally born with and losing it will be another wound I can't handle.
I don't want to brainstorm art ideas for themes or post about mental health and journaling, when I'm barely getting by and all I can think of is 'I'm a fraud' and 'I have more debt than I'll ever repay'.
I don't want to print CVs to apply when I have no professional clothes, all I have is ill fitted and 80% of my last month was trying to survive.
I don't want to workout even at home because I haven't in so long that I'm weak now and hard-earned muscles have become soft.
I don't want to start earning too much because then I'd have to go to therapy and the doctor for my hair-falling issue.
I don't want to move immediately because it feels traumatic, but I want to be in a new place/apartment.
I want to earn enough to be okay with paying my rent debt and living expenses and maybe have a 100$ extra.
I don't want to move, tbh.
I want to move months back, years back, before I screwed up my life.
I want someone to bring me food, clean clothes, draw me a bath, and give me help to start my shop, and tell me I am capable. To tell me they got me for the night, clean my place, help me brainstorm, leave me enough money for food and supplies and tell me to watch a movie, sleep 12h and then get to business- not for making money, not for a goal, but to see if I can. To see if I'm better this time around. I want to be able to pay for online therapy until I am strong enough to go in person.

I just want a moment where my life doesn't feel like a house on fire I need to put out immediately.
A moment where taking time for myself doesn't come with a bunch of guild and self-loathing.
It just feels like the last month bled me dry and I just don't want to deal with all this,. Me. With my age, my health issues, me mental health issues, my debt, my body. It's exhausting, I'm exhausted of trying to be better and sliding back, of negotiating with people, of doing work I hate to have the time to apply for more work I don't like, to answer messages that I've left unanswered for far too long.
I'm exhausted of typing, eating, breathing. I'm just tired. And YES, things were a zillion times worse last month. I recognise that as a step forward. I was happy for a second and now I'm exhausted and sleepy mid-day because I'm just tired of thinking about all of it, all I wrote, I just want to quietly slip put the back door. I want a choice that isn't going from 'the worst' to 'slightly better'. I want stupid sites like gofund me to work for people like me. I want to have chat therapy pn my phone without paying 3 months ahead. I want to be able to order takeout for a first time in years because the weather is awful and I'm feeling the way I described. And feeling like this for a night, in the grand scheme of things? Not the end of the world by a long shot.

But I recognise my feelings now.
This isn't fleeting. This is the brief relief of having taken afternoon off and slept plenty,. and then all the above-mentioned things crushing me again.

"One day at a time, one moment at a time, we only need to survive this". A quote I heard somewhere

 

[Defaultxlove]

Just adding that I'm thinking of you SA a d hoping you're feeling better...this too shall pass. <3

 

[Ecdysis]

My favourite sayind regarding that is:

"This too shall pass... it may pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass."

(I like that it acknowledges that what is "passing" may be excruciatingly painful and feel absolutely awful.)

https://pin.it/2GepviU

 

[SeekingAfrica]

like the physical flu to get me thinking of the psychic flu theory i have reaped so much healing mojo from. doctor arf prescribes rest, fluids and soft food.

Read the end of the thread. It seems you were right although I wouldn't have admitted it. (can't be 'weak' if you have limited time to 'get your S**t together, right? but life doesn't work so.)

different thread, but all the threads are connected.

Yeah, they really are right now.

.i had to learn to treat me with the gentlest of care and took me a very long time

Definitely still learning that, I tend to be the hardest on myself.

Take it easy, that is a hell of alot of.

Thank you so much, much appreciated! Finally I saw a friend I hadn't seen for 2 months after she wrote to ask if I'm ok (because I hadn't been in touch at all)- and when I told her just part of what was going on she gave me a warm supportive hug- and I was almost shocked. I'd gotten so used to 'it is what it is' that I'd forgotten that this is a legitimately hard situation. It was really nice for someone to remind me that.

I don't have any advice that will fix it--I'm learning no one doe--but I sit with you in that understanding.

Thank you, appreciated. Sending hugs if ok.

Just adding that I'm thinking of you SA a d hoping you're feeling better...this too shall pass. <3

Thank you, same to you!

what is "passing" may be excruciatingly painful and feel absolutely awful.

It really is, thank you for that quote, made me laugh.

To ALL of you reading and supporting me in this, thank you!!
A little update:
I wanted to jump into work right away, had a plan. I am only getting to the plan today finally. Seems my brain and my body weren't in agreement. The moment I was paid and dealt with the immediate stuff(landlord) it's like I got worse- but not exactly. I just finally let myself feel it all I guess. I had blocked some because I had to work and cook and survive.

My house is still a mess, my life is still a mess, I am getting to it.

But since I wrote, I subconsciously took care of myself. I ate some fruits and veggies and I am trying to have a nutritious food when I can. Had green juice from few things one day and I literally devoured it in 2 seconds. I went to ballet classes. I saw 2 friends. I met 2 new potential friends through ballet and my friend. I reconnected with some people. I cleaned a bit. Had some 5min workouts. Had some steaming hot showers. Got a spray and multivitamin to take care of my hair loss hopefully. Can't buy the special shampoo yet but eventually.
On Friday, I was supposed wait another week on no food while applying to get to mini pay so I can eat well and invest in making jewelry again and hope it can still be side hustle. I may have forgotten some skills since then, but I am better mentally(that was at the start of my PTSD), I know more about social media, I know the language and I know many people here, so I can network and sell locally a bit too. I had a friend agree to model and I will with some others too. Also a friend that works in marketing will help me with social media plan. I'd forgotten that I have a community now too. I'd forgotten that it's ok to ask for help. So I got a person to person loan again too, bad interest, but I'm investing in myself.

Now I had enough to get materials and also nutritious food. And on surface it's a bad decision, but I believe in myself for a first time in a long time. I believe in being able to work and have a side gig and actually start getting out of that hole I'm in. I know it will take a long time, but that's ok, taking it step by step.
I was also offered potential gig in February, but really stable one. Seems a long way away, but so did November.

Finally yesterday I was supposed to start on all the jobs I'm juggling(online, side hustles and all that)- and with 4 alarms I woke almost at noon.
I had slept 13 hours for a first time in a year. I got up wanting to catch up but barely did anything. Went to the closest store and almost fainted few times. My body had finally caught up with my brain and it wanted what it wanted. So I rested. I played phone game, watched tv, slept and then slept again. I cried, I ate, I had hot shower. Slept again.

I am now going out to buy materials for making jewelry. I've been sketching designs all last week. Then I have regular freelance work and some clients to apply for.
I finally feel some resemblance of 'me' coming back. I feel somewhat refreshed and 'normal'.
I hope I'm recharged enough to be brave enough for my plans. Even buying materials- all of me, and friends, everyone is supportive. Except my family that doesn't believe I can make it so I'm wasting money. So that voice in the back of my head saying it will be like last time (when I was at the height of PTSD symptoms, the first 6 months after the trauma, when I had no clue what I was doing, couldn't sleep from nightmares and was highly agoraphobic). But I'm pushing that voice away. My situation, for it to change, 1 job is not enough right now. So anything I do from side hustles and job application, to allowing myself to eat nutritiously (so my hair doesn't fully fall off)- it's all a risk. So my job now is to have faith in myself and take it one step at a time.
I'm doing my best. I'm still here, and I'm doing all I can and I think feeling like myself is the first step for having the energy for multiple jobs and applications and research. I have to believe that.

 

[Defaultxlove]

I'm thrilled for you SA! Low on words but thanks for the update <3