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DID I don't want to integrate

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I made a post on a different forum talking about my DID, and a bunch of people (who don't have DID) told me I need to medicate and integrate.

But my alters really don't cause too many problems. Like its not perfect but I am not super distressed by their existence. And I really care about them a lot and I feel like integration would be like killing them

It just makes me very uneasy and uncomfortable to think about life without them.

Also my psychologist and I agree that they seem more helpful than harmful at this point. And she says I don't have to integrate.

So idk I guess I'm just curious if the idea of integration scares anybody else?
 
I have a goal of partial integration.

For the most part (not quite 100% of the time!), me and my parts are now working as a team. Worked my arse off to get there - learning about who they are, how they tick. Learning how to work in partnership with alters that, initially? We didn’t exactly get along. And most of us? Don’t have much in common.

Having DID definitely creates problems in my life I could do without. But the balance is tipping, and as long as we can at least kind of stick together as a team, mostly it isn’t too much of a problem. Sometimes? The communication between my parts has become a positive way that I problem solve.

And since it’s such a core part of my identity, if it’s not creating functional issues or distress, integrating just so I can be more like a “normal” person? Isn’t reason enough to push integration any further. I have DID, and I’m (finally) okay with that.
 
My last therapist told me that if I didn't integrate, I would never heal. When I told him I thought it would take forever for us to integrate and I DIDN'T want to, anyway, he told me he could "help" us.

I respect everyone's process and, if they seek or are working toward integration, that's fine by me. But I do NOT think anyone can choose that for me/us, including any therapist who thinks he understands us. I dumped that one and found someone who would honor us and our process. She (then he, our current therapist) helped me work toward functionality and did not even discuss integration, once I said we were not interested in that.

I/We do very well without merging. We have awesome communication and help each other out when we need it. I can't imagine losing the relationships I have with my insiders.
 
And since it’s such a core part of my identity, if it’s not creating functional issues or distress, integrating just so I can be more like a “normal” person? Isn’t reason enough to push integration any further. I have DID, and I’m (finally) okay with that.

This is very much my view on it. It took me a long time to know my alters. And a longer time for us to start to get on the same page (sort of)

Like we still disagree and there's still sometimes where someone does something stupid. But it's so much better than how we used to be.

It's just we're in therapy now and we're finally making progress. It just sucks to have a bunch of people say we're wrong.

Sorry I'm kind of rambling. I'm just frustrated
 
I don't want to integrate.

At least, not yet. I don't know if I will feel the same in a year or two or three.

But for now? Strangely enough, the reason I am functional at all is because I am DID. They have super powers. I am terrified of losing that. But I am also in the very early stages of even understanding the others and how they have helped and not helped over the years.
 
My last therapist told me that if I didn't integrate, I would never heal. When I told him I thought it would take forever for us to integrate and I DIDN'T want to, anyway, he told me he could "help" us
I'm sorry you had such a bad therapist that had to be hard on you! I'm glad you found a better one!!

I/We do very well without merging. We have awesome communication and help each other out when we need it. I can't imagine losing the relationships I have with my insiders.

Me and my alters are a pretty smooth system and we all love each other and support each other!

I'm glad your insiders and you get along so well too!!

I'm glad I'm not the only one who finds it hard to think about. The people I was talking to earlier just made us feel like freaks like It just makes me so sad that people think we are something that needs to be fixed

So thank you for your reply <3
 
Someone inside thought "Hell no!" at the idea of integration. I also don't want to integrate and that's not the goal my T and I are working towards. Under old models of treatment, integration was the goal. That has changed and is no longer considered necessary for healing. I was once on a group specifically for DID and I'd say at least half the folks there had no wish to integrate.
 
I am integrating at my own pace. In my own way. I think the DID actually helps me to figure all of this out because I can easily flip into my 'observer' mode, which I don't think I would have access to if I wasn't fragmented.

I look at integration more as a means to an end to help the parts of me who are still terrified and do things to 'kill' me. When I am in observer mode, I seem to be able to communicate with parts of me that are otherwise not reachable.

I guess what I am trying to say is, I am happy to integrate as much as I can, but full integration is not my goal. Nobody gets to tell me what my goal should be. For me, it is all about living moment to moment in relative peace. If that means I have to ultimately live as an integrated being, then so be it.
 
The therapist told me I was a shadow person. I understand that but from the beginning, she threatened one of my alters. It started right away and I was immediately aware of it (she was as well but not as much as I was.) She put it like, 'you're stuck on sex.' You have to move past that and I was like, 'Oh no you don't.' lolol. That was a long time ago. We are integrating and we have to I guess because I can't be me without the compassionate part but that part is compassion itself. Completely non violent. Love in other words. I like it like that. I don't want to lose that, it's always been there but in the background. I don't want to mix it with the not so nice part of me that developed without it. Maybe it's only a representation of something else? IDK.
 
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