Relationship I f*cked up


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Me and ptsd vet were being intimate last night and in the middle of it he stops and asks me if I’m ready to do anal. I’ve told him numerous times that I don’t like it and that it hurts; I didn’t answer him. He asked me again but told me this time it’s either I do it or he leaves. At this point I broke. I was so tired of him asking me these this or that questions or playing these “jokes” on me after I ask him not to. For example. One day he came and met me at my job for my lunch break, we sat in his car. He out of the blue states that he wanted to break up with me. He’s done this so many times and hurt me so much I didn’t say anything and just tried to get out the car, but he physically pulled me back in and held me down and told me “I was just playing.” He’s done things like this so many times that I just broke last night. I pushed at him and yelled at him to get off him. He didn’t realize I was serious until I started crying. At that point he got upset back at me, put his clothes and started to leave but changed his mind and slept on the oposite side of the bed. I couldn’t sleep. I had so much anxiety the whole night knowing if I tried to touch he’d pull away and get even more upset. I cried most of the night and he didn’t flinch. Just played a game on his phone and went to sleep. When I got up for work this morning, he totally avoided looking in my face and didn’t speak to me at all. I tried to talk to him about last night, he just kept telling me “I don’t have anything to say to you. I’m good.” I sit and cried for a few minutes before we headed out the door. And he just stood there waiting for me to finish, rubbing his face like he was frustrated. He drops me off at work, hands me back my gate key and tells me “it was nice meeting you.” I sat and tried to talk to him for a minute and he finally said something. That he was upset because he was just joking with me and I started crying. I even told him about something from my childhood that I had never told anyone as to why I reacted the way I did. Nothing. Just told me he was sorry that happened to me. I asked him to go home and think about everything. If he really wants to throw everything away. He just kept telling me “okay” just to get me out the car. I’ve texted him three times since this morning. Things I just want him to know.


Why did you give the title of this thread as "I f*cked up"?? How did you f*ck up exactly? At what point?

Countless times I see people in relationships on this site getting treated really badly by total assholes and they post threads stating how bad things are going. For the love of God...Stop seeing them!!!..End the relationship!!! Why on earth would you want to prolong the experience?? This must be making you really upset so why keep it going?


I agree with @Survivor3 .
He asked you to do a sexual act you have repeatedly told him 'no' to. And not only did he ask you again but he threatened to leave you if you didn't do that sexual act, and did all this knowing your view about that sexual act.
That is abusive behaviour.
I:m not surprised you "broke".
And then he doesn't apologise but acts in a punishing way to you? And you think you are in the wrong?

As much as you love him, this is how he is treating you and unless he can see he needs to change its likely to occur again.


How long have YOU been a frog boiling in water? Would you have accepted any of this, much less blamed yourself for it, 2 years ago? 5 years ago? ((If the answer is yes? That tells me you have been in a seeeeriously abusive relationship, or series of them, in the past.)) Any of it??? Because not only accepting ALL of it, but wracked with guilt wanting his forgiveness? No. Just no.

Attempting to coerce sex acts from someone? Even if the relationship was all unicorns and rainbows (and it ain’t!) that’s dealbreaker level Oh. f*ck. No. Goodbye. And get the hell out of my life. ((Don’t let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya!)) <<< That’s not where you head is at... which concerns me. Hugely.


@RavenK - given what you've written about this relationship so far (referring to your first thread) - what do you want to do about your situation?

You're hearing lots of people tell you that his behavior isn't normal, and that whether he's also dealing with PTSD symptoms or not - it's not an excuse for him being a real shit in the relationship.

Is there a reason you feel like you need to stay?


It is easy for me to say this sitting over here in the armchair critic corner, but I would be glad he gave your gate key back! What a douchebag! You have said no before and I am guessing if you changed your mind you would let him know. That whole, "I was just joking" adds another perspective of pathology to his demeanor. Why would anyone ever chose to joke about something like that and then when they are visibly shaken get mad? If I had caused someone pain for any reason I would offer an apology and make sure I traced my steps back so I never did that again. Run away as fast as you can!!!! hang in there!


PTSD or not, the way he behaved is hallucinating. Really please, do leave before you’ll join our cohort of abuse PTSD. There are things you can do for adapting to someone who suffers from PTSD, CPTSD, generally when they’re in mild to moderate forms and under therapy. Same goes for BPD that sometimes can be manageable too when it’s on the mild to moderate form. AND under therapy.

But what you describe doesn’t sound like any of this, it’s really plunging more on the antisocial darkness of total coercion, aggressive gaslighting, and bullying. Whatever the reasons that have made this man behave as he does, you don’t need to be the collateral damage of his suffering.

You still have the right to love him if you want. You have the right to have your feelings. But ask yourself the cost of this love and if it’s appropriate to the situation. If you can’t help but keeping trying to come back, you can treat that by resisting 5 minutes by 5 minutes or by moving far enough to get out of contact. Please do see your family and/or friends to find some support as much as you can. All your responses are perfectly normal. You didn’t f*ck up in the least.