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I fear I'm going to kill someone

Thread starter #1
At the age of 7 my closet was filled with weapons I collected and I waited at the door for my cue. I didn't know how to tie my own shoes but I waited to hear the slightest noise from my sister to tell me it was time to go crack pedophile skull.

I remember quite clearly when my father put his hands around my throat and started lifting me off the floor - after kneeing him in the crotch and making it to the door, I stopped and stared at a butcher knife for what felt like forever.

Amazingly, I have reached 40 and never have cracked a skull or even been in a physical altercation as an adult.

But there have been a few scrapes where my trauma response was so severe that I nearly lost it.

2 therapists have said no, I am not a danger to others. I am too aware of the problem and too afraid of it. I even relocated to get away from one person that triggered me so bad that I feared I would attack him.

But I really fear that moment when I cannot run. I've been ready for a fight for some time.

This is a very real fear for me. Does anyone else struggle with this kind of fear?
 
#2
This is a very real fear for me. Does anyone else struggle with this kind of fear?
Can relate @RussellSue, my father was a violent alcoholic and I witnessed and experienced violence at the very beginning of my life. When my mother was pregnant with me she was beaten and I pretty much internalized that being aggressive is powerful. A part of me is getting ready for the battle, I do bodybuilding and did martial arts (Only for a short time) I’m also planning to Do martial arts again because I feel I must be ready.
 
#3
Yes sometimes but I can't act on it. When I was a child I thought that I might have to kill my dad, which was very scary for a child to be having those thoughts. Also other people that have abused and humiliated me in life. That feeling comes from rage and being very upset. What stops me....? I don't want to throw my life away and be in prison for the rest of my life. I hope you feel better soon.
 
Thread starter #5
What stops me....? I don't want to throw my life away and be in prison for the rest of my life. I hope you feel better soon.
See, that's one of the reasons I am working with an EMDR therapist. We haven't started EMDR, yet, but he observed some of my reactions to talking about trauma and stated that those are the things that will be reduced - these over the top body responses that I have to trauma. The last time I had a flashback, I had no time or ability to consciously think about my life or the importance of staying out of trouble. My trauma reaction and rage took over. I rose to my feet to attack and thank God I was shaking so bad that I couldn't stand. And I do believe that was God because I was out for blood.

Thank you @Survivor3 . I am actually not experiencing any of this acutely at the moment. I was just thinking about it.
 
Thread starter #6
Can relate @RussellSue, my father was a violent alcoholic and I witnessed and experienced violence at the very beginning of my life. When my mother was pregnant with me she was beaten and I pretty much internalized that being aggressive is powerful. A part of me is getting ready for the battle, I do bodybuilding and did martial arts (Only for a short time) I’m also planning to Do martial arts again because I feel I must be ready.
I totally understand that. I started really working out over the last couple of years and it seems to have really reduced a lot of my anxiety. I don't think this is entirely about chemistry but more about feeling ready. I have been itching to start taking self-defense classes but I haven't gotten there, yet.
 
#7
Is there any way that you can visualize a different ending to the scenario with your father that doesn't include flight or fight? Can you think of a different outcome? Stupid as it sounds, I try to figure out an alternate ending that includes love or compassion. Curiosity too, but I find that quite difficult when abuse is involved in the memory.

A for instance would be if, in that moment your father broke down and cried and apologized because he was so upset from something that happened in the day. You could comfort him and he could apologize to you. This is just one possibility, but the idea I think is to be able to rewire or put a different (positive) energy on the memory.

Sorry if that doesn't hit the spot for you. Feel free to ignore.
 
#9
Yeah, I can relate to this too. Even tho I grew up in a household that was officially "no violence, no weapons, pacifist, etc" as soon as the trauma started up when I was aged 7/8, immediately I started struggling with the "fight survival response" and feelings of intense rage and hatred and wanting others to die or wanting to kill them.

Pretty unsettling to have to experience the fight survival response as a kid and to feel ready to kill. Having to go through that on top of the trauma is just more than kids should have to bear.

I still struggle with the fight survival response a lot... I'm always ready to pounce and go for the jugular and to rip someone apart.
 
#10
I still struggle with the fight survival response a lot... I'm always ready to pounce and go for the jugular and to rip someone apart
“Commensurate” is one of the rules I live by. <rueful> Especially when what rulebook I’m operating out of is under question / past and present is a bit blurry.

Most of my rules are a bit more involved... It’s always struck me as funny/useful which of my rules end up refined down to a single word. Especially as those are split second decisions, more often than not!
Even tho I grew up in a household that was officially "no violence, no weapons, pacifist, etc" as soon as the trauma started up when I was aged 7/8, immediately I started struggling with the "fight survival response" and feelings of intense rage and hatred and wanting others to die or wanting to kill them.
If it helps at all? Friday House Rules (what I taught my kids / but House Rules I have to follow, too) have this to say on the subject of violence

- When is it okay to attack someone? When you’re defending yourself, someone else, or learning how to fight.

- (What is being rude? Attacking someone without touching them.) When is it okay to be rude? When you’re defending yourself, someone else, or learning how to fight.

By MY book? And the book I taught my kids? You did terribly well by yourself, even with no guidance to get you there. Good on. It’s a helluva lot harder to invent the wheel, when you’re told circles aren’t allowed to be used. You still managed it.
 
Thread starter #11
So this thread was moved but I don't think this is about dysregulation. I was addressing it as a core belief/core fear that I have been living with for a number of years. For the record, I have only ever been afraid that I may attack someone who was either doing damaged to me or another person at that moment or making light of it at that moment. As such, I don't think my emotions were entirely dysregulated - it's normal to get upset, even very upset over sadistic behavior. My feelings are amplified due to number of times that violence and injuries have effected my life -- but it was the core belief that I was trying to address - the ongoing fear that I am on the edge of snapping even though there is plenty of information out there saying this is not the case, such as lack of violent history/criminal record. That fear limits me like any core belief one has about oneself. Just sayin'. I don't know how to properly address the moving of this thread but that is my protest.
 
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Eagle3

MyPTSD Pro
#12
I have this issue, too. When triggered (and it has happened several times) I will get so outraged that I literally can't see. Its at these times I have to walk away completely from the person, or I'm going for the kill. I have advanced ranking in several Martial Art styles and frequently train with the intent of being able to kill if I NEED to, but the black-out rages scare me because what triggers those aren't necessarily killable offenses. My therapist is aware of these issues, but since its rare, we're waiting for in-person sessions to resume before working on them. I'm most definitely not against necessary and reasonable violence in defense of self or others, but I do fear my lack of control over specific triggers. It's scary how close I've come on several occasions.
 
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