I feel dead inside

BlueWeepingRose

Confident
I feel like I am already dead, I know this sounds dramatic but it's how I feel. I'm always in pain, crying, feeling alone, having panic attacks, and looking over my shoulder. No longer feel safe and don't know who to trust anymore. I keep blaming myself for being raped and feeling stupid for going back to my ex-boyfriend. The man I loved and thought the world about, how stupid I was that I couldn't see he was abusive. I was blinded by it, by everything. Everyone doesn't talk much to me anymore, I feel so alone and I hate the way I feel. Nothing seems to make me happy anymore. I wish I could smile more, but it's not possible. Know all of this may be too much for some to read but I can't keep this inside of me anymore, it's wearing me down, I feel so tired.... 😭
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
Hi @BlueWeepingRose, no one should ever blame themselves for being raped. I'm so sorry that your struggling. Do you have a therapist? Are you on any medication? Do family and friends know what happened? You can talk to people on here as much as you like. Keep on posting and we will listen to you. 😊
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
Never under any circumstances is it your fault you got raped!! Never. It may take time to figure out why you are not to blame to satistfy yourself, but it was not your fault.

If we had abuse growing up, it is normal to seek out abusive relationships. But you somehow, deep down inside knew you didn't deserve to be treated badly. Why do we go back? Because we are humans with hope. Hoping things will change. You will see time and again people who struggled to get out of abusive relationships, myself included, but we finally did. Or are still working on it.

I know what it feels like to feel dead inside yet in so much pain. That will make sense to most of us here.

Glad you opened up and reached out. We are here to listen and make suggestions of things that worked for us if you want feedback. Just ask.

Hope you have a T or at least someone to talk to during this very upside down time we are living in. But we are good listeners. And we understand.

This forum is where I come to help find my own truths. I am supported and validated here. Just as you will be. Just keep coming and sharing. We are here for you.
 

Friday

Moderator
I know this sounds dramatic
Not really. It’s part of the whole Dysregulation/ Disassociation/ Depression thang... so it’s no more dramatic than panic attacks, or nightmares, or the shakes, or hypervig, any other symptom set.

Feeling like I’m already dead is on the lower side of one of my personal spectrums. It means EITHER I’m actually starting to do a helluva lot better as I’m moving closer to feeling the whole array of emotions -OR- I’ve just been plunged into hell & am about to be doing a helluva lot worse...

- continuing on from dead inside, to numb, to cold rage, to no emotions whatsoever
- or exploding into violent rage
- or devil-may-care-thrillseeking in a desperate attempt to feel anything, but mostly to feel alive
- or sinking into the black, the nothingness, losing myself

& a few others. One of the downsides abot being on the lower end of a spectrum of responses for me, is the lower end tends to be on a pivot point... so I don’t know which way I’m going to be going with it, rather than already locked onto a path. The upside is sometimes I can direct which path I’m about to head down. Other times? Not so much. Very much balanced on a knifes edge.

...which for me is strongly associated with grief. I can be sliding dooooooown the spectrum from a lot of different places, but if I’m kicking up into it? For me that’s nearly always triggered by sudden and profound loss.

^^^None of this^^^ is saying anyone else’s personal spectrums of symptoms and expressions are going to follow my own patterns. Just sharing my patterns to see one possible version. An upside to having repeated this shit over and over, is that I’ve had the opportunity to really see/observe/recognize/be familiar with the way I operate in a lot of different situations.
 

mumstheword

MyPTSD Pro
I've felt that way and it's horrible, really, really awful.
I've found the same as @Friday, either things are getting better or worse.
I felt this way going into the abusive relationship with my ex, but, it was arrested by getting pregnant to him, 7 times.

Then, it was this feeling that helped wake me up to how bad it was with him, and it started to manifest as my body actually atrophy-ing and I knew if I did't leave him, I actually would, physically, die.

Now I'm with someone lovely and I feel more and more alive.

Hugs @BlueWeepingRoses, you aren't alone, lots of us here, get it, I'm sure, and hope things shift for you, in the near future, it's a very awful place to be, so be kind to yourself, Ok?🧡💜💙
 

woodsy1

Confident
WI feel like I am already dead, I know this sounds dramatic but it's how I feel. I'm always in pain, crying, feeling alone, having panic attacks, and looking over my shoulder. No longer feel safe and don't know who to trust anymore. I keep blaming myself for being raped and feeling stupid for going back to my ex-boyfriend. The man I loved and thought the world about, how stupid I was that I couldn't see he was abusive. I was blinded by it, by everything. Everyone doesn't talk much to me anymore, I feel so alone and I hate the way I feel. Nothing seems to make me happy anymore. I wish I could smile more, but it's not possible. Know all of this may be too much for some to read but I can't keep this inside of me anymore, it's wearing me down, I feel so tired.... 😭
What you shared is NOT too much. Maybe it's not enough. We care and will listen. A lot of good folks here will share their life and wisdom with you.

Keep pouring out your heart. Get angry. You've lost a lot. Much of your life has been ripped away from you. People have treated you in ways that make you feel unworthy. Dead is numb. Numb is a reaction to not being able to fully experience the emotion of what we've been through. It helps, when we are ready, to let it all out.

Please keep coming back and writing to us all that is circling round and round in your thoughts. It will help. We'll be here for you.

You are not alone. You will live again.

Been there. Done that. If I can come through, you can too.

Looking forward to hearing from you,
Woodsy 🤠
 
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