I feel gone, but I’m trying my best

Littlesoul

New Here
I left my absv ex half a year ago, i have this hyperfixation on dating and relationships and i think it’s associated to my inappropriate relationships with others as a child. I didn’t learn much other than how to please an adult seeking that kind of relatiosnhip from a child. I just- I slap myself, as a sort of self punishment for most anything really, and today, i really slapped myself. Not too hard but I really try not to i just couldn’t stop it. I felt empty and then started crying, and dissociated a few seconds later and continued on. But the feeling triggered memories of my ex, he was the person who “saved me” the person who said I was his ride or die and I hade a moment and I looked at his instagram. I was relieved to see he didn’t have pictures with anyone else, happy almost, like this feeling like he hadn’t abandoned me. I feel so far away from everyone. So unable to be present. Unable to participate authntically. Life both feels like a game I know how to win and a horror I can never escape. I think- i just want to be held in someones arms- someone who won’t hurt me. And not be let to feed into the almost compulsory responses to intimacy that were ingrained in me and cause me to sexualize myself. I want to rely on someone authentically. Not because I’m supposed to. Not because I was trained to and am filfilling a role. But because I want to. But sometimes I really don’t think I know what it’s like to just do something (around someone else) just because I want to. Everythinng is calculated, I don’t trust anyone with myself, i have to make sure they see exactly what they need in order for myaelf to stay safe.

I think I felt comfortable with someone I knew was dangerous. It’s- comfortable- the familiarity of it. How familiar the pain is, i know that cycle like the back of my hand. I knew it. I know it.

I think I don’t even like men, i think I’m terrified of them. But I also think I will do anything- anything to keep myself safe. Anything.

I think maybe I just want to be held-

I hope this is alright, and is ok to post here, it’s 4 am and I can’t sleep and I think I needed to get this off my chest.
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
i vote that it is okay for you to get this off your chest here. i know sharing about my anxieties of the day help me breathe much easier.

expert i ain't, but i solidly believe that 6 months is not very long in processing the end of any relationship, whatever the ending or the nature of the relationship. wanting to be held is an all-natural human need, but romantic holding is often not the best way to fill that basic human need. for my healing nickel, being held by a brother or sister-in-healing is far more medicinal than romance with either gender. save the romance for a healthier day.

but that is me and i am only believing.

gentle support while you sort your own, little soul. vent freely. vent often.
 

Littlesoul

New Here
i vote that it is okay for you to get this off your chest here. i know sharing about my anxieties of the day help me breathe much easier.

expert i ain't, but i solidly believe that 6 months is not very long in processing the end of any relationship, whatever the ending or the nature of the relationship. wanting to be held is an all-natural human need, but romantic holding is often not the best way to fill that basic human need. for my healing nickel, being held by a brother or sister-in-healing is far more medicinal than romance with either gender. save the romance for a healthier day.

but that is me and i am only believing.

gentle support while you sort your own, little soul. vent freely. vent often.
Thank you for this
 

Littlesoul

New Here
A friend of mine came to me about her recent breakup- and- she says she believes that he will come back. She asked me if I believe it too, he has a habit of leaving her with no explanation or knowledge of when he’ll come back, and repeatedly stated he needed to leave at some point (and this time he just said he has to leave forever). She asked me if I though he would come back- I said it wasn’t my place to say and that I support her in her beliefs- but that in all honesty I didn’t like the way he would come and go. And she just said “I’ll just go back to crying now..” and- idk- that really hurt. It really hurt and my brain is in flight. I just want to delete our messages and forget that she ever existed.. I just- that made me feel awful- I feel like she shouldn’t have even asked me that. It was like a trap question. Like she just wanted to be mad at me. Idk- i think I’m having a trauma response to this situation and having abandonment problems and just- am trying to do nothing about it right now cause every option in my head is probably not the healthiest (flight/fawn). And she hasn’t messaged me again. I just- is it wrong that I’m upset? I feel like I was put in a situation I shouldn’t have been- and maybe I should’ve said I was uncomfortable to begin with- but I just felt she’d get upset no matter what- it feels like she wanted someone to be upset at.. idk.. i just feel really really hurt rn.

Venting helps a little
 

Littlesoul

New Here
I also think- that I want to prove to myself that I can stay friends with someone even through an argument and nothing bad will happen to me.
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
but I just felt she’d get upset no matter what- it feels like she wanted someone to be upset at..

relationship woes tend to be hurting times, no matter what approach we take. sometimes life just hurts. trying to avoid the pain only adds the pain of denial and repression. personally, i shoot to just rock them gently and cry with them.

I also think- that I want to prove to myself that I can stay friends with someone even through an argument and nothing bad will happen to me.

this is a most excellent goal. perhaps even a golden opportunity to get one of those hugs which are a basic human need.
 

Littlesoul

New Here
relationship woes tend to be hurting times, no matter what approach we take. sometimes life just hurts. trying to avoid the pain only adds the pain of denial and repression. personally, i shoot to just rock them gently and cry with them.



this is a most excellent goal. perhaps even a golden opportunity to get one of those hugs which are a basic human need.
Yes very much so- I wish she hadn’t asked me that question, and even when she did I only said I support her. Idk it’s just so hard to get a response like how she did and then not hear back.

I am both touch repulsed and touch starved, it takes such a huge amount of trust for me to actually feel comfortable to have contact with someone. I suppose that’s why I feel I need a certain amount of intimacy in order to be comfortable recieving physical affection. But I’m in this transition period of my life where nothing feels safe. Accessing most basic human needs is a fight for me right now. And I think perhaps I’ll be better suited when I have more stability to try it again- but I think recognizing that need for me- it helps me to understand a lot of the lonely feelings I have.
 

Littlesoul

New Here
This also brings up thoughts for me about my childhood, where I didn’t really have non sxual association with closeness. I didn’t really learn how to make friends or seek out that kind of touch support. I didn’t really learn anything, I’ve been realizing a lot how after my trfcing ended I relied on the behaviors of people on the tv and the internet to understand what to do. And how I still rely on that. I learnt things socially- but not things that work in normal living. I didn’t know how to play, I didn’t know how to have friendships that lasted longer than a few months. Life was this- game for the adults in my life and I was an object. i want so badly to feel and understand those emotions I never had. I want so badly to feel safe- idk this is really hard to explain and I feel anxious and dissociated. I’m trying to cope- I am so new to this new life- idk- idk idk I apologize this doesn’t really read right but I have such a hard time making sense of everything-
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
I am both touch repulsed and touch starved, it takes such a huge amount of trust for me to actually feel comfortable to have contact with someone.

live support groups were my ticket around this dichotomy. when i started therapy in 1972, touch equaled sex. the platonic, no-strings-attached hugs introduced me to the concepts of physical affection being greater than a pervert's zipper.

I apologize this doesn’t really read right but I have such a hard time making sense of everything-

apology NOT accepted, littlesoul. no, it doesn't read right, but the wrong is not in your honesty. no child should be expected to process these confusions. your honesty opens the door to the healing mysteries. hope healing happens here. be gentle with yourself and patient with the process.

stay brave.
 

Littlesoul

New Here
live support groups were my ticket around this dichotomy. when i started therapy in 1972, touch equaled sex. the platonic, no-strings-attached hugs introduced me to the concepts of physical affection being greater than a pervert's zipper.



apology NOT accepted, littlesoul. no, it doesn't read right, but the wrong is not in your honesty. no child should be expected to process these confusions. your honesty opens the door to the healing mysteries. hope healing happens here. be gentle with yourself and patient with the process.

stay brave.
Thank you so much- this response is so incredibly reassuring-
 

Littlesoul

New Here
I think- that very very young- I had to make very difficult decisions in order to survive. And I think the fact I was put in that position has seriously affected me

I feel so bad about every decision I’ve had to make
They all feel completely my fault, even though I understand I was a child put in extremely difficult situations. I think I still struggle to understand that, I was a kid, a teenager.

I get sad- About everything, but I struggle to cry-

I feel inadequate

Incapable

But I can also look back and find every step I took to get to the safety I have today.
 
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