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I feel gone, but I’m trying my best

I think for a very very long time I have treated life like this video game. Like- it’s not actually real. And I think it makes sense I would derealize from life that much with everything I went to. But recently I’ve been having these exciting dreams with running away and scary people and I’ve loved them, they fill that gap in my now peaceful safe life. I think partly I feel bored. I think that’s why I create these exciting worlds and characters and why I want to immerse myself in the production of them. But life is- boring compared to the excitement of living that life. I’ve found myself going back to my dreams full of intimidation and bizzare intense plot lines than wanting to wake up. I think it’s not disruptive eight now and I am able to see this and that’s a big step. My old therapist told me- that the life “normal” people live is probably boring for me. That I will struggle to be ok with the lack of intensity. And I see that.
 
Recently life has gotten so much softer and more peaceful, I know this is by my own design. And I love it, I want more and more softness and peace, more stability, less fear, no abuse. I have been struggling still with the way people see me. In my past life (before I left) this world was "pretend", it was a game, and I had a role to play here while I had my roles in the "real world" (or in my trafficking). And I played every role to perfection. I find- I'm having such a hard time existentially with this "pretend" world being the only one I exist in physically anymore. I am happy, safe and I have full autonomy. But I still play a role in this world. They don't see me. i am still only a girl. Just a sad little girl so soft and sweet- so pure- too pure for this world. I've been called an angel, pure, sweetness, unreal, a thing, a creature, a god, a spirit or fae. I call myself these things too cause I don't feel quite human- but- how can I be a god and just a girl? How can I be so sad but see my success on its way to me? I feel that my existence is a dichotomy. That people try to understand but they can't. They can't see me. Outside their bubbles- where they feel safe and sound. They think things like what happened to me is fantasy. That it just happens in movies. I guess I tend to feel the same way. Good things happen and I'll come to therapy like "this only happens in movies!" And she has to remind me movies are based on real life. I'm sorry if this is confusing- it's hard to describe. It's hard to not feel like I'm just crazy, my therapist says I'm not, she says that crazy things happen in our world, and that I'm not crazy for surviving them. I love myself now, so deeply and truly, I want the best for myself and everyone. I want everyone to heal and grow and become more than what they were. I still think I'm maybe crazy- at least compared to societal standards- I guess all this too say- I feel like I'm adjusting to "civilian" life- and I'm doing well- but still- it's still pretend.. it still feels like I'm existing in a space that doesn't know what it is.
 
Hello! Haven't been back here in a while- I wish I could help others more- but I need to help myself. Holidays are hard. Holidays can be lonely. I don't like it. I want to be a part of a normal family. With parents that love you and hold you. With laughter, joy, I'm grieving. They never loved me. The only thing I did- that I ever did for them was get them money and social status. We were the perfect family. So perfect. I just- I think of my life and I think god I've got to be making that up. How do you live with it. I don't know. I'm so tired and I don't want to care anymore. To still love them so deeply and wish they didn't do what they did. Wish that they could love me too. All they care about is money. I feel so much and I feel it so deeply, I love them, I love myself and honestly now I love my life. And that is because they are no longer in it. She's so cold to me. She's so cold. I don't know. I know my life is better now, that I'm actually happy sometimes, that people love me and cherish me and care about me. Just today I was outside laughing, watching the sunset, looking at the trees and dancing around. It just- hurts- that I missed out on this my whole life because of the decisions of other people. It's not hard for me to be content in life. All I need is peace. Not sure what I'm meaning to say or do here.. i just- needed a space to talk I guess
 
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