I feel inert until there's urgency

squrple

New Here
Is the feeling "I can't do anything that isn't urgent" common with PTSD?

If you feel like this, what kinds of jobs work well for you?

I have a diagnosis of chronic PTSD. It was rooted in (preverbal) trauma in healthcare as an infant, and in child abuse until at least age 12. I can remember none of the original medical trauma and little of the child abuse.

It was diagnosed late, at age 45. But it seemed originally to manifest at age 19, masquerading as "chronic fatigue" (my own impression) or "anxiety and depression" (official diagnoses). Since 19 I could do only what I had to do -- initially study full-time and then work. Eventually I quit working after I had a windfall from employee stock options. But I couldn't bring myself to go back to work until all that money was gone, years later. Recently in a job with mandatory overtime, I managed to save around $10,000 for the first time in many years. Then I suddenly quit with no notice, and didn't go back to work until nearly all that money was used up.

My intuition is that, at some point in the grind, at 19, the stress of full-time study started to trigger my PTSD. But I got used to a very high level of stress and urgency, until at age 27 I "retired" for a while. So now, whenever there's less stress or or urgency than in that 8-year period, it feels like "weekend" or "vacation time." It's only very recently that I've become able to describe my problem in this way, but I think the description applies. I've never been unable to work, although I've very often (nearly always) felt unable to conduct a meaningful and worthwhile life outside of work.

If you've felt like this -- like you're inert outside of urgency -- and you've overcome it, what has helped you to do so?

I feel triggered by work, when I'm not being triggered by healthcare provider interactions; so when I was in trauma therapy weekly, it was "one step forward and two steps back." I'm hoping to save up some more money, quit again, and go to an intensive trauma therapy retreat -- although I'm skeptical of their efficacy in complex PTSD rooted in continual situations. Maybe relief will come once FDA approves MAPS's protocol for accelerated trauma therapy...
 

grit

MyPTSD Pro
What happens if you hold the urgency alone or with a therapist and wait it out to pass? Have ever challenged that further than the feeling?
Sort if get to the other side.
 

squrple

New Here
What happens if you hold the urgency alone or with a therapist and wait it out to pass? Have ever challenged that further than the feeling?
Sort if get to the other side.


I suppose if I would wait for it to pass then I would not go to work and I would get fired. I'm not sure what you're asking. I'm not trying to get rid of the urgency. Urgency is the only thing that lets me do anything these days. What I would like to get rid of is the reliance on urgency.

Because there's no real urgency to do anything but work, I actually don't do anything but work (or buy any groceries, and wash my laundry not nearly often enough) and that is what is making life not very worthwhile.

I'm not saying that I work a lot. I work less than the typical person in my country.
 

Ronin

MyPTSD Pro
Yep. Super common PTSD thing.

What helped me? Putting mind with the same effort to the small things. Learning from those better than me.

I mean some could say people cleaning places don't do that much for one.

I see so much work done so fricking well and that I can learn from.

And these things help me be healthier with more urgent. As my brain gonna tune out after time anyway, too many images people details factors everything.

It better refocuses on Yay! Task is clean cups to shining! How do pros get there? :sneaky:

Than throw me into a total spazz.
Or worse, spazz on the job.
That still scares me shitton.

Rest where had is good.
Menial ain't meaningless.

Two? Urgency is a feeling and a choice.

You have to decide when & what for & who you give a damn.
 
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