Sexual Assault I feel like I’m as bad as he is

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This is probably going to be a long post so I apologise in advance for pretty graphic talk of r*pe, domestic violence, periods and SA.

So I have experienced quite a bit of trauma throughout my life including past experiences with abusive relationships and r*pe which I have a ptsd diagnosis from. I’m once again in a situation which is kind of dubious again. But something happened recently after a trauma response that has left me feeling sick to my stomach and like I’m just as bad.

Basically, I entered a sexual relationship with this friend who I’ve know for a while. The first time we had sex, he choked me, spat on me and slapped me across the face without asking prior if I was okay with this. After, he sent me a message saying he was worried he might have scared me. I told him that I was okay to continue a sexual relationship because I hadn’t really accepted that it wasn’t okay at that point. I did try and ask him what he had in mind because I wanted to talk about what to expect so I could prepare myself or tell him ‘no’ to anything I really didn’t want to do but he said he didn’t like messaging and would rather show me. I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable if he wasn’t okay talking about it over message so I left it.

The next time I saw him and we had sex, he hit me very hard across the face and even punched me on my face and chest. I will admit, the punch took me by surprise, but he didn’t do it too hard. It was enough to bruise my cheek a bit thought. The next day, we went back to his place for a bit and he offered me some of his joint. I had only smoked a handful of times and this time, it had a negative effect on me. Basically it just made me a little out of it and I felt disconnected. He asked me if I was okay when I was a bit dazed so he must have noticed something was off with me. He then proceeded to initiate sex. Honesty, I only remember about 50% of it. I remember him hitting me again. With his hands but also with objects too. He beat me with a belt until I bled. He forced me to do certain sexual things and also choked me, but bits of it are missing from my memory. I think I blacked out twice during. The main time being when he brought out some rope. Again my memory is patchy but I do remember for sure him putting it around my neck and using it to choke me. This is when I properly lost consciousness for a few seconds. When I came back, he was holding me up right with his body but he carried on. He told me to close my eyes and dragged something across my skin which I realized was a blade. I also want to point out that when we began, he told me I could tap out if I needed to, but obviously I was a bit out of it due to the weed and thoughts weren’t processing to the point that I could do so, but that’s on me, not him. My brain was just so gone that I couldn’t formulate words.

There was another incident where he hit me so hard across the face that my back tooth fell out, I couldn’t open my jaw properly for a week and I had facial bruising again. This did shock me a bit, and I was a little dazed by it, but he obviously didn’t mean to do it that hard and was shocked when my tooth came out.

There was a moment when we were having sex and he was using a flogger and a belt to the point that blood was drawn and he could see I was having a hard time handling it and that I was about to tap out (he has said that if I couldn’t talk and wanted him to stop to tap him) and he discouraged me from doing so and sort of, mocked me for going to. There was also another time when I did tap out. I couldn’t talk to tell him to stop because my mouth wasn’t free but I was panicking because I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I just began to panic because I felt like I was choking and I repeatedly tapped his arm and leg to tell him I needed him to stop (as he’d always told me to) but he didn’t stop. I figured that maybe he hadn’t realized but it did start to impact my comfort level with expressing when I wasn’t okay with something.

Then recently, we were having sex and he told me turn over. I did so, assuming we were changing positions but that’s not what happened. He initiated an*l sex without telling me. The thing is I’d never done that before and it’s not something we’d ever talked about. He fully insert himself there and went on to have pretty vigorous an*l sex with me without warning. This did bother me. I didn’t tell him to stop when he’d started. I sort of froze up. I dissociated whilst it was happening. Like an out of body experience. I was just frozen though, panicking because I hadn’t been able to prepare. After, I felt humiliated. He left to go to the bathroom and I was just stuck there on the bed, frozen. I excused myself to the bathroom and when I got in there, I freaked a little. I felt like I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror.

This isn’t me slating bdsm because with consent and safety, I feel it can be healthy and a while ago I actually went to a bdsm advice forum where everyone categorically said “this is abuse not bdsm”. This person hasn’t respected my safety or boundaries. He’s put me in physically harms way by strangling me to unconsciousness and penetrating me with scissors and he’s also shown a disregard for my consent by carrying on when I’ve asked him to stop or doing extreme things without bothering to check if it was okay first. The sad thing is, I love him even though I know he doesn’t care about me and I keep going back there and putting myself in these situations. Recently something happened with him which has left me feeling like a predator and the guilt is suffocating me.

Basically, he’s not comfortable having sex when I’m on my period so I always tell him when I am so he doesn’t get uncomfortable. The last time I saw him I told him I was still bleeding a little bit so sex wasn’t on the table but later that day my bleeding stopped so I told him I was fine to have sex now. He knew it had only just stopped so it was a bit of a risk but we went ahead anyway and had sex. It went on for a bit and then he seemed to stop quite suddenly. I wondered if I’d started to bleed again and that was why. I went to bathroom and sure enough I was spotting a tiny bit. Barely anything but I figured that was why he stopped.

Later on, we’d both had a certain illicit stimulant drug which I know is stupid but I’ve been struggling so much mentally lately than I’m willing to do anything to get me out of my mind and he offers me some of it for free sometimes) and he’d also had a bit of an argument with someone so he was in a weird mood. He once again started to do sexual things but not full intercourse which further cemented the thought that he was no longer comfortable having sex because he’d seen spotting. I kind of expected him to stop there but he didn’t.

I was planning on telling him I was spotting if he did try to go on any further and hadn’t noticed because I would never want to cross his boundaries or make him uncomfortable but he started to bite me and bite hard. I could sense a weird kind of energy from him that scared me. He then proceeded to choke me whilst holding his other hand tightly around my nose and mouth. I couldn’t breath and started to panic. I tapped his leg repeatedly as he always told me to do when I needed him to stop but he didn’t stop, he held me in that position for longer and I kept patting him to get him stop and he didn’t. I couldn’t breathe. Obviously in the end he did stop because I’m alive but he didn’t stop when I needed him to and he scared me. It felt like ‘no’ wasn’t an option at this point. He then started to initiate pretty rough sex and I was going to tell him not too because of the spotting, like I always do but after what he’d just done, I was scared, dissociated and felt like I couldn’t form the words. It was like I was frozen. I know it sounds like I’m making excuses but I have ptsd and my trauma response in sexual situations is usually to dissociate. Leave my body. Check out. It’s not something I consciously do but it happens a lot.

Anyway, he saw at one point that there was a tiny bit of blood. I got very embarrassed and apologised over and over again but he said he didn’t care because it was barely anything and carried on. I feel so guilty and like I didn’t respect his boundaries but it wasn’t done because I don’t care or out of malice, it was out of fear. I know that doesn’t make it okay and I feel terrible. I am having an assessment soon for trauma therapy for a past rape I experienced but I feel like I don’t deserve help after what I did. I hate feeling like I’m the same as the people who hurt me but that’s the truth. I don’t know what to do and maybe this isn’t the right place to share this so I’m sorry if it isn’t. I just feel so low
 
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This is probably going to be a long post so I apologise in advance for pretty graphic talk of r*pe, domestic violence, periods and SA.

So I have experienced quite a bit of trauma throughout my life including past experiences with abusive relationships and r*pe which I have a ptsd diagnosis from. I’m once again in a situation which is kind of dubious again. But something happened recently after a trauma response that has left me feeling sick to my stomach and like I’m just as bad.

Basically, I entered a sexual relationship with this friend who I’ve know for a while. The first time we had sex, he choked me, spat on me and slapped me across the face without asking prior if I was okay with this. After, he sent me a message saying he was worried he might have scared me. I told him that I was okay to continue a sexual relationship because I hadn’t really accepted that it wasn’t okay at that point. I did try and ask him what he had in mind because I wanted to talk about what to expect so I could prepare myself or tell him ‘no’ to anything I really didn’t want to do but he said he didn’t like messaging and would rather show me. I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable if he wasn’t okay talking about it over message so I left it.

The next time I saw him and we had sex, he hit me very hard across the face and even punched me on my face and chest. I will admit, the punch took me by surprise, but he didn’t do it too hard. It was enough to bruise my cheek a bit thought. The next day, we went back to his place for a bit and he offered me some of his joint. I had only smoked a handful of times and this time, it had a negative effect on me. Basically it just made me a little out of it and I felt disconnected. He asked me if I was okay when I was a bit dazed so he must have noticed something was off with me. He then proceeded to initiate sex. Honesty, I only remember about 50% of it. I remember him hitting me again. With his hands but also with objects too. He beat me with a belt until I bled. He forced me to do certain sexual things and also choked me, but bits of it are missing from my memory. I think I blacked out twice during. The main time being when he brought out some rope. Again my memory is patchy but I do remember for sure him putting it around my neck and using it to choke me. This is when I properly lost consciousness for a few seconds. When I came back, he was holding me up right with his body but he carried on. He told me to close my eyes and dragged something across my skin which I realized was a blade. I also want to point out that when we began, he told me I could tap out if I needed to, but obviously I was a bit out of it due to the weed and thoughts weren’t processing to the point that I could do so, but that’s on me, not him. My brain was just so gone that I couldn’t formulate words.

There was another incident where he hit me so hard across the face that my back tooth fell out, I couldn’t open my jaw properly for a week and I had facial bruising again. This did shock me a bit, and I was a little dazed by it, but he obviously didn’t mean to do it that hard and was shocked when my tooth came out.

There was a moment when we were having sex and he was using a flogger and a belt to the point that blood was drawn and he could see I was having a hard time handling it and that I was about to tap out (he has said that if I couldn’t talk and wanted him to stop to tap him) and he discouraged me from doing so and sort of, mocked me for going to. There was also another time when I did tap out. I couldn’t talk to tell him to stop because my mouth wasn’t free but I was panicking because I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I just began to panic because I felt like I was choking and I repeatedly tapped his arm and leg to tell him I needed him to stop (as he’d always told me to) but he didn’t stop. I figured that maybe he hadn’t realized but it did start to impact my comfort level with expressing when I wasn’t okay with something.

Then recently, we were having sex and he told me turn over. I did so, assuming we were changing positions but that’s not what happened. He initiated an*l sex without telling me. The thing is I’d never done that before and it’s not something we’d ever talked about. He fully insert himself there and went on to have pretty vigorous an*l sex with me without warning. This did bother me. I didn’t tell him to stop when he’d started. I sort of froze up. I dissociated whilst it was happening. Like an out of body experience. I was just frozen though, panicking because I hadn’t been able to prepare. After, I felt humiliated. He left to go to the bathroom and I was just stuck there on the bed, frozen. I excused myself to the bathroom and when I got in there, I freaked a little. I felt like I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror.

This isn’t me slating bdsm because with consent and safety, I feel it can be healthy and a while ago I actually went to a bdsm advice forum where everyone categorically said “this is abuse not bdsm”. This person hasn’t respected my safety or boundaries. He’s put me in physically harms way by strangling me to unconsciousness and penetrating me with scissors and he’s also shown a disregard for my consent by carrying on when I’ve asked him to stop or doing extreme things without bothering to check if it was okay first. The sad thing is, I love him even though I know he doesn’t care about me and I keep going back there and putting myself in these situations. Recently something happened with him which has left me feeling like a predator and the guilt is suffocating me.

Basically, he’s not comfortable having sex when I’m on my period so I always tell him when I am so he doesn’t get uncomfortable. The last time I saw him I told him I was still bleeding a little bit so sex wasn’t on the table but later that day my bleeding stopped so I told him I was fine to have sex now. He knew it had only just stopped so it was a bit of a risk but we went ahead anyway and had sex. It went on for a bit and then he seemed to stop quite suddenly. I wondered if I’d started to bleed again and that was why. I went to bathroom and sure enough I was spotting a tiny bit. Barely anything but I figured that was why he stopped.

Later on, we’d both had a certain illicit stimulant drug which I know is stupid but I’ve been struggling so much mentally lately than I’m willing to do anything to get me out of my mind and he offers me some of it for free sometimes) and he’d also had a bit of an argument with someone so he was in a weird mood. He once again started to do sexual things but not full intercourse which further cemented the thought that he was no longer comfortable having sex because he’d seen spotting. I kind of expected him to stop there but he didn’t.

I was planning on telling him I was spotting if he did try to go on any further and hadn’t noticed because I would never want to cross his boundaries or make him uncomfortable but he started to bite me and bite hard. I could sense a weird kind of energy from him that scared me. He then proceeded to choke me whilst holding his other hand tightly around my nose and mouth. I couldn’t breath and started to panic. I tapped his leg repeatedly as he always told me to do when I needed him to stop but he didn’t stop, he held me in that position for longer and I kept patting him to get him stop and he didn’t. I couldn’t breathe. Obviously in the end he did stop because I’m alive but he didn’t stop when I needed him to and he scared me. It felt like ‘no’ wasn’t an option at this point. He then started to initiate pretty rough sex and I was going to tell him not too because of the spotting, like I always do but after what he’d just done, I was scared, dissociated and felt like I couldn’t form the words. It was like I was frozen. I know it sounds like I’m making excuses but I have ptsd and my trauma response in sexual situations is usually to dissociate. Leave my body. Check out. It’s not something I consciously do but it happens a lot.

Anyway, he saw at one point that there was a tiny bit of blood. I got very embarrassed and apologised over and over again but he said he didn’t care because it was barely anything and carried on. I feel so guilty and like I didn’t respect his boundaries but it wasn’t done because I don’t care or out of malice, it was out of fear. I know that doesn’t make it okay and I feel terrible. I am having an assessment soon for trauma therapy for a past rape I experienced but I feel like I don’t deserve help after what I did. I hate feeling like I’m the same as the people who hurt me but that’s the truth. I don’t know what to do and maybe this isn’t the right place to share this so I’m sorry if it isn’t. I just feel so low
Hi there,

Posting here is a very good step.

What is happening is not your fault. You are not to blame.

Your brain will disagree with this statement, but try to accept that's how you feel now and put up some boundaries with this person.

Gentle support as you put yourself first.
 
I'm going to go a little off-script here and welcome you, of course, but also direct you to take a look at this study -> which shows that roughly of all studied men who have perpetrated intimate partner violence with the excessive use of force (in particular, choking with the hands/objects) were more likely (by a factor of seven-hundred and fifty percent) to end up killing their partners.

Most times it is not intentional, it's an act of violence that they could not control the consequences (death) of.

But it still happens, every day, and his behavior toward you is clearly escalating to the point that he is no longer "nervous" about harming you. He believes that you are conditioned to accept this abuse unequivocally and that you will not resist or escape him. So it's going to continue to get worse, until he winds up making that fatal error. The "advice" section in my brain is all spaghetti, but my recommendation?

Examine what it is you "love" about this individual and do your best to dissect it from another, more likely scenario that is happening: you are trauma-bonded to this perpetrator of violence against you, specifically.
 
Examine what it is you "love" about this individual and do your best to dissect it from another, more likely scenario that is happening: you are trauma-bonded to this perpetrator of violence against you, specifically.
Well said. I was just going to say that the OP needs to LEAVE this person and get as far away from him as possible.

I got very embarrassed and apologised over and over again but he said he didn’t care because it was barely anything and carried on. I feel so guilty and like I didn’t respect his boundaries
So, where did he respect YOUR boundaries? This is not a healthy BDSM relationship, not a healthy sub/Dom relationship. This is ABUSE.
 
Hi there,

Posting here is a very good step.

What is happening is not your fault. You are not to blame.

Your brain will disagree with this statement, but try to accept that's how you feel now and put up some boundaries with this person.

Gentle support as you put yourself first.
Thank you for your kind reply.

I've been trying to look at things and treat myself the way I would if a friend was in/telling me about the situation, but it's difficult. I feel like my brain is warped and moulded by years of abuse that I can't even see situations clearly anymore. I have flashes of clarity when I see that this isn't healthy, and I'm trying to hold onto those moments and make decisions based on that part of my brain that knows something isn't right instead of the part of me that accepts and internalises the blame for that kind of behaviour

I'm going to go a little off-script here and welcome you, of course, but also direct you to take a look at this study -> which shows that roughly of all studied men who have perpetrated intimate partner violence with the excessive use of force (in particular, choking with the hands/objects) were more likely (by a factor of seven-hundred and fifty percent) to end up killing their partners.

Most times it is not intentional, it's an act of violence that they could not control the consequences (death) of.

But it still happens, every day, and his behavior toward you is clearly escalating to the point that he is no longer "nervous" about harming you. He believes that you are conditioned to accept this abuse unequivocally and that you will not resist or escape him. So it's going to continue to get worse, until he winds up making that fatal error. The "advice" section in my brain is all spaghetti, but my recommendation?

Examine what it is you "love" about this individual and do your best to dissect it from another, more likely scenario that is happening: you are trauma-bonded to this perpetrator of violence against you, specifically.
Thank you for your advice. There have been moments when I've realised the danger that I've been in and how easily things could go very badly wrong.

You might be right about it being more of a trauma bond than love and even if it is love, I'm maybe more in the love with who I thought they were before all this than who they actually are. It's difficult because I came from a very dysfunctional and abusive childhood. It's almost like my brain equates abuse and love together. Logically, I know different, but on a subconscious level. I have an assessment with a trauma therapist next week after I let slip a few little details of the situation to a mental health professional. I felt like I maybe didn't deserve that support, but I'm going to try and put my all into it to try and stop these same cycles of abuse.

Thanks again for you advice and reassurance
 
Hey,

I’ll try and keep it brief as I have a propensity to waffle!

Firstly, It’s so brave of you to post your horrific and traumatic experiences, so well done you. Definitely worth recognising that in yourself!

I went through something similar in relation to the rape and disassociating with it all. I even stayed in that relationship for months not recognising what was happening to me. It’s good you recognised it - I went close to a year without having any idea of what had happened to me, until flashbacks kicked in and I questioned my whole reality.

Anyway, I saw you are seeking help via a therapist and that’s really good. Im sure they will have some good options in terms of which therapy to pursue. My advice is- try both CBT and EMDR. I did and it changed my life and really helped me through the trauma.
EMDR is great for processing trauma and releasing anything that is stuck from your body and a good CBT session can re help you think everything instantly- it was a real “penny drop” moment for me across several sessions.

If you want any more advice on this please do let me know - feels like I’m finally *fingers crossed* coming out of my personal hell and I’m seeing the light- so I’m happy to share what I’ve learnt.

Best wishes and take care of yourself 💜
 
Hey,

I’ll try and keep it brief as I have a propensity to waffle!

Firstly, It’s so brave of you to post your horrific and traumatic experiences, so well done you. Definitely worth recognising that in yourself!

I went through something similar in relation to the rape and disassociating with it all. I even stayed in that relationship for months not recognising what was happening to me. It’s good you recognised it - I went close to a year without having any idea of what had happened to me, until flashbacks kicked in and I questioned my whole reality.

Anyway, I saw you are seeking help via a therapist and that’s really good. Im sure they will have some good options in terms of which therapy to pursue. My advice is- try both CBT and EMDR. I did and it changed my life and really helped me through the trauma.
EMDR is great for processing trauma and releasing anything that is stuck from your body and a good CBT session can re help you think everything instantly- it was a real “penny drop” moment for me across several sessions.

If you want any more advice on this please do let me know - feels like I’m finally *fingers crossed* coming out of my personal hell and I’m seeing the light- so I’m happy to share what I’ve learnt.

Best wishes and take care of yourself 💜
Thank you, that's so kind of you.

I'm sorry you've had similar experiences and I happy to hear thar you're starting to come out of it and see the light. It's hopeful for me too.

EMDR therapy is something I have been interested in pursuing. I'm luckily enough to live in a country with free healthcare but with desperately strained services so it's not typical that you can choose the type of therapy you have and EMDR isn't very readily available unfortunately. Hopefully that'll change soon but I'm looking forward to having trauma focused therapy in the mean time.

Best wishes to you too <3
 
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