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Sexual Assault I feel like i’m melting and i’m really scared

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ive had multiple traumas happen to me regarding sexual assault rape and abuse the most traumatizing one being a relationship I was in from 14 to 18 on and off. the grooming happened when I was 13 and the worst of the abuse was when I was 17-18. He sexually bullied me with other guys in the 8th grade and then when we were alone he told me I was pretty and he wanted to date me. I did and it escalated slowly. Long story short the abuse got worse and he used to punish me with sex. Example one night he convinced himself I was cheating the abuse got so bad because he wouldn’t let me leave and mentally torchered me for hours it ended with him kicking me in the head a couple times while I sit curled up crying on the floor, I don’t remember much after. Later on after the blows to the head we turn up outside he took the battery out of my phone and in a public place and he told me the only way to make it up to him was to have sex outside I said please no why would you want to do that I am crying and he made me get naked and lay on the cold grass he got on top of me and I don’t remember The rest. Th abuse that night got so bad that I made a false confession of cheating on him because he got into my head and I was desperate for it to stop. It got worse ...


This is one of many situations that happened with him. Later on I drank a lot to numb the pain when I got to school as he continued to mentally torcher me and threatened to gamble me off sexually to his friends And I drank a lot and went further down the rabbit hole blocked the whole thing out got revictimized a couple times got into another abusive relationship I had no idea what healthy boundaries were and as I find myself fast approach 30 years old i find myself crumbling and it’s completely out of nowhere.

My coping mechanisms have all melted and with that I am having complete emotional breakdowns. I used to watch my trauma as a film like I was the main character I set it to music a mix tape and I glamorized it because by doing that it was palpable it didn’t happen to me and it was just like watching a movie. Some scenes hard to watch but it never affected me if that makes sense. Well out of nowhere that coping mechanism is nowhere to be found all I am left with is this pathetic weak Small peice of shit person. This whore I feel like a shameful crumb who deserves nothing. I’m struggling to love myself I always have. I don’t take care of myself but I prentend to the outside world that I do normal things and practice self care and I pretend like I don’t go home some nights and drink a bottle of vodka and cry to my favorite albums then wake up the next morning in a fog of shame and disgust. I can’t live like this anymore how do I love myself? Why is it so hard and why can’t I just keep on living like I used to. My PTSD was always a lot of hyper vigilance and panic and drinking but it’s gotten so bad the past couple weeks that I couldn’t even go to the super market because every time a man looked at me I’d flinch and want to cry. I feel like a pathetic weak asshole and some days I find the strength to keep going really hard. Not that I would do anything bad to myself but I don’t know what the future is going to bring I’m constantly afraid. I’ve been sober for a week and it’s terrifying I’ve cried more the past couple days then I have in months. I feel so lost and worthless.
 
Well done for being sober for a week ! You aren't worthless, or a piece of crap or anything like that.
You ARE strong, not drinking with all this going over in your head is HARD... You are doing it though, you are resisting it , you are stronger than you think.
You aren't lost either.... you found here .
Welcome to the forum DeepRedViolets
 
all I am left with is this pathetic weak Small peice of shit person. This whore I feel like a shameful crumb who deserves nothing.
You love yourself by challenging this voice. For myself, this kind of self talk was me letting my abusers into my head even if they weren't physically around me. It took a bunch of work and serious retraining.

That coping strategy of yours back before where you put things outside of yourself. That is one of the strategies I used. Just wondering if you can imagine the voice that says bad things to you outside of yourself. Who is it? Who is speaking to you that way?

Just a few thoughts.
 
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