DeepRedViolets
New Here
ive had multiple traumas happen to me regarding sexual assault rape and abuse the most traumatizing one being a relationship I was in from 14 to 18 on and off. the grooming happened when I was 13 and the worst of the abuse was when I was 17-18. He sexually bullied me with other guys in the 8th grade and then when we were alone he told me I was pretty and he wanted to date me. I did and it escalated slowly. Long story short the abuse got worse and he used to punish me with sex. Example one night he convinced himself I was cheating the abuse got so bad because he wouldn’t let me leave and mentally torchered me for hours it ended with him kicking me in the head a couple times while I sit curled up crying on the floor, I don’t remember much after. Later on after the blows to the head we turn up outside he took the battery out of my phone and in a public place and he told me the only way to make it up to him was to have sex outside I said please no why would you want to do that I am crying and he made me get naked and lay on the cold grass he got on top of me and I don’t remember The rest. Th abuse that night got so bad that I made a false confession of cheating on him because he got into my head and I was desperate for it to stop. It got worse ...
This is one of many situations that happened with him. Later on I drank a lot to numb the pain when I got to school as he continued to mentally torcher me and threatened to gamble me off sexually to his friends And I drank a lot and went further down the rabbit hole blocked the whole thing out got revictimized a couple times got into another abusive relationship I had no idea what healthy boundaries were and as I find myself fast approach 30 years old i find myself crumbling and it’s completely out of nowhere.
My coping mechanisms have all melted and with that I am having complete emotional breakdowns. I used to watch my trauma as a film like I was the main character I set it to music a mix tape and I glamorized it because by doing that it was palpable it didn’t happen to me and it was just like watching a movie. Some scenes hard to watch but it never affected me if that makes sense. Well out of nowhere that coping mechanism is nowhere to be found all I am left with is this pathetic weak Small peice of shit person. This whore I feel like a shameful crumb who deserves nothing. I’m struggling to love myself I always have. I don’t take care of myself but I prentend to the outside world that I do normal things and practice self care and I pretend like I don’t go home some nights and drink a bottle of vodka and cry to my favorite albums then wake up the next morning in a fog of shame and disgust. I can’t live like this anymore how do I love myself? Why is it so hard and why can’t I just keep on living like I used to. My PTSD was always a lot of hyper vigilance and panic and drinking but it’s gotten so bad the past couple weeks that I couldn’t even go to the super market because every time a man looked at me I’d flinch and want to cry. I feel like a pathetic weak asshole and some days I find the strength to keep going really hard. Not that I would do anything bad to myself but I don’t know what the future is going to bring I’m constantly afraid. I’ve been sober for a week and it’s terrifying I’ve cried more the past couple days then I have in months. I feel so lost and worthless.
This is one of many situations that happened with him. Later on I drank a lot to numb the pain when I got to school as he continued to mentally torcher me and threatened to gamble me off sexually to his friends And I drank a lot and went further down the rabbit hole blocked the whole thing out got revictimized a couple times got into another abusive relationship I had no idea what healthy boundaries were and as I find myself fast approach 30 years old i find myself crumbling and it’s completely out of nowhere.
My coping mechanisms have all melted and with that I am having complete emotional breakdowns. I used to watch my trauma as a film like I was the main character I set it to music a mix tape and I glamorized it because by doing that it was palpable it didn’t happen to me and it was just like watching a movie. Some scenes hard to watch but it never affected me if that makes sense. Well out of nowhere that coping mechanism is nowhere to be found all I am left with is this pathetic weak Small peice of shit person. This whore I feel like a shameful crumb who deserves nothing. I’m struggling to love myself I always have. I don’t take care of myself but I prentend to the outside world that I do normal things and practice self care and I pretend like I don’t go home some nights and drink a bottle of vodka and cry to my favorite albums then wake up the next morning in a fog of shame and disgust. I can’t live like this anymore how do I love myself? Why is it so hard and why can’t I just keep on living like I used to. My PTSD was always a lot of hyper vigilance and panic and drinking but it’s gotten so bad the past couple weeks that I couldn’t even go to the super market because every time a man looked at me I’d flinch and want to cry. I feel like a pathetic weak asshole and some days I find the strength to keep going really hard. Not that I would do anything bad to myself but I don’t know what the future is going to bring I’m constantly afraid. I’ve been sober for a week and it’s terrifying I’ve cried more the past couple days then I have in months. I feel so lost and worthless.