I feel like I am drowning - Pattern of falling madly in love with people who find someone else and don’t even tell me.

It was very recent that I asked my therapist about m diagnosis, she said it's C-PTSD. Last couple of months have been very difficult for me. I got very close to a person I started working with, she worked with my company and we got super close. Due to my past trauma, I have a tendency to overgive in all relationships initially and then later on share my needs but by the time I do, the person I am expressing my needs to is not comfortable meeting my needs - because in the first half of the relationship I never gave any importance or preference to my own needs.

For two years, I kept helping her with her work her as a friend because she needed me. And then this year in Jan. I found out that she lied to me about this solo trip she went to. She slept with someone and we had this huge fight. And now I learnt that she is dating someone else.

I am happy for her that she has someone but I am very very sad for myself because this is a pattern which constantly follows me. I fall in love with someone madly. They also say that they love me but then they go and find someone else and dont even tell me about it.

I feel unlovable, i feel no one will ever love me and i feel this is too much to live through.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
Were you a friend or was this a relationship?

You sound a very caring and generous person. You also sound like you have insight into needing to develop your ability to state your needs.
And I wonder if that develops then it will help with solving these patterns you find yourself in?

You are loveable. You are worthy.
 
Were you a friend or was this a relationship?

You sound a very caring and generous person. You also sound like you have insight into needing to develop your ability to state your needs.
And I wonder if that develops then it will help with solving these patterns you find yourself in?

You are loveable. You are worthy.
Hello!


It was unrequitted love. She still reaches out to me and tell about how she is having problems with her boyfriend. I really want to be there because I love her but she wants me to be her friend only. Not her lover.


I don't know what I should be doing. It feels very confusing. I have confessed my love to her multiple times and she has made it clear she is not interested in it.

But she wants my friendship. Should I accept less than what I want? Because it's so lonely without her. How can I make this choice?
 

Sideways

Moderator
I don't know what I should be doing. It feels very confusing.
It feels confusing, because it's really unpleasant. No one enjoys being in this situation. So, big big emotions. It feels confusing.

But, unfortunately, it's not actually confusing. Emotions aren't facts. And in this situation, the facts are straight forward:
she has made it clear she is not interested in it.
So, you can be her friend. Or you can not be her friend. Those are the 2 options.

If your feelings make being just friends too painful, then probably it's a rip the bandage moment and deal with the pain of having to move on.

We all go through this at some point in our life. And it sux. But there's nothing factually confusing...just extremely hurt emotions that need tending to. It's okay to be upset. Because she's moved on, and one way or another, that means you have to as well.

If you can't be friends? Tell her, and walk away. Lots of people need to choose that option to preserve their own sanity!
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
Due to my past trauma, I have a tendency to overgive in all relationships initially
Sounds like this is something really key to work on
So that you don't feel this:
I found out that she lied to me about this solo trip she went to.
Essentially that she was living her life doing her thing, but to you this feels like a betrayal as you were longing and working towards a relationship, when she wasn't.

She clearly values your friendship.
But that's all it is for her.
So a big question for you is: maybe you are seeking out unavailable people to confirm your core belief you are unlovable?
Which your not. You are loveable. It's easy to see in your posts how considerate you are. But you got to work on you, and going for people that will be in a relationship with you.

Do you have a therapist?
 
Sounds like this is something really key to work on
So that you don't feel this:

Essentially that she was living her life doing her thing, but to you this feels like a betrayal as you were longing and working towards a relationship, when she wasn't.

She clearly values your friendship.
But that's all it is for her.
So a big question for you is: maybe you are seeking out unavailable people to confirm your core belief you are unlovable?
Which your not. You are loveable. It's easy to see in your posts how considerate you are. But you got to work on you, and going for people that will be in a relationship with you.

Do you have a therapist?
OMG! I cannot stop reading these lines again and again: "maybe you are seeking out unavailable people to confirm your core belief you are unlovable?"

Yes, I do have a therapist.

Last night I told her once again, begged for her love. As she is unhappy in her relationships, I really feel two of us will be happy together but her response was "So what do you want now" She knows what I want but...

And what really bothers me is that as a friend also she keeps expecting me to do those things to help her which I do because I love her. Eg. Looking after her, helping with work, just being there constantly.

I cannot do that as a friend. I dont know and I am really scared that she will stop offering me the little bit attention that she does offer me.

For today, I distanced myself from her. I could not sleep the entire night. It felt important to look after myself.

A friend from uni used to say she is using you as a punching bag and thats okay. that means that she trusts me. [funnily i have been in the same relationship pattern multiple number of times]

the thing is i am tired of getting punched. constantly being the care giver and that too in areas of life which are complex eg. she reaches out to me when she is having a fight with her boyfriend. Does she not understand at all how I feel about her and why is she even dating people she is not happy with. People who hurt her.

Why did I never end up as her choice?

All of these thoughts feel like so much pain, like an anchor pulling me down.

For now, I am trying to maintain a distance from her and be in touch with my reality. Instead of overempathising with her needs.

The pain is too much. As if it will tear my body apart.

Masturbation is the only thing which gave comfort but i am 25 now and i need and want real intimacy and stability..and i keep failing at it, year after year.

i suck.
 
It's you, not her, that's making you miserable. I have known many guys who have pined away for women who are uninterested and unavailable. I have known many guys who have done anything and everything for women they loved, even though they were not and would never be loved back. Every one of those guys ended up becoming an angry, bitter person. But it was their own fault, not anyone else's.

If you walk away from her, you lose nothing, since you never actually had her at all.
 

Friday

Moderator
Due to my past trauma, I have a tendency to overgive in all relationships initially and then later on share my needs but by the time I do, the person I am expressing my needs to is not comfortable meeting my needs - because in the first half of the relationship I never gave any importance or preference to my own needs.
Have you started working on this pattern with new people in your life?

I have confessed my love to her multiple times and she has made it clear she is not interested in it.
Core Belief / Lessons Learned in Trauma / Other “Due to past trauma” Qs

- Are people in your head/heart “allowed” to say “no”? Or does “no” mean you have to work harder, keep trying, focus more, devote more & more of your thoughts/feelings/time/energy to them?

- Does chasing after unattainable people (and pretending to be someone you’re not; IE doing things “as a friend” you wouldn’t do for friends, but for people you love) protect you from having to
a) be in a relationship
b) trust others with who you are, as if they reject you it’s not “you” who is being rejected, but this no-needs/wants/desires version of yourseld you show people (both as a friend &/or lover)
c)

maybe you are seeking out unavailable people to confirm your core belief you are unlovable?
Also, this.
 
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So she's using you? Did I read that right? Sorry if wrong/not helpful
I don't know. I would like to think otherwise.

Sorry you're going through this I hope you feel better.
I really hope so tooo.

Maybe this is a breakthrough that you can share with your therapist?
I have discussed it in Therapy before. It's difficult to change how I feel on a feeling level. 🥺

It's you, not her, that's making you miserable. I have known many guys who have pined away for women who are uninterested and unavailable. I have known many guys who have done anything and everything for women they loved, even though they were not and would never be loved back. Every one of those guys ended up becoming an angry, bitter person. But it was their own fault, not anyone else's.

If you walk away from her, you lose nothing, since you never actually had her at all.
But she keeps asking me to stay.
 
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