General I Feel Like I Have to Protect Myself

[desert4now]

Hello,

I'm new here. I've been reading on and off for about a week. My husband admits to having PTSD but refuses to do anything. He was in Desert Storm and Afghanistan. His symptoms are minimal to what everyone else has said. Two things are predominant - apathy and I'm always wrong.

We've been married 6 months but have been together for five years. This is my second marriage. My first was to a verbally/emotionally abusive alcoholic. My husband is usually so wonderful but I can see right through him when he's not having a good day. He just looks and acts like he wouldn't care if I no longer existed or he critiques everything I do and the way I look. It's all wrong. Have I entered into a another married life with someone who wants to bring me down? I feel like I have to protect myself or I'll drown.

 

[anthony]

Hi desert4now,

Welcome to the forum. I am glad you got out of the first marriage, as I used to be pretty bad in that arena myself when uncontrolled PTSD had hold of me. I can understand you wanting to get away.

What is happening to your husband is surely not going to be pretty, but the anger and hostility within him is most likely that emotions and thoughts are happening, all of which he feels he has no control over, or understanding.

He doesn't want to bring you down as such, he just doesn't understand what is happening to him, nor what to do about it. Maybe you should get him on here and have a chat to me... as I am a veteran also with the Australian Army, so I can relate.

 

[desert4now]

Hello Anthony,

He doesn't know that I am even checking into this. I'm afraid he would take it the wrong way. He really is a great guy and I have no intention (at this point) to leave, but having been through one relationship that was dangerous for me...I guess it makes me overly sensitive maybe??? We have been under lots of stress and money is tight. We are moving so that means new jobs, new schools, new everything. This is our third move in a year and a half. I unnderstand his stress. I just don't want to be the target. So should I just remove myself from the situation when he gets verbally abusive? Do I stay and take it and let him know I'm not a doormat? I don't know how to respond to him sometimes. I love him so much and truly want to do the right thing.

 

[anthony]

Those are some really tough questions, and not something I can accurately answer, as each situation is unique. I could say, stay and let him know your not a doormat, but then that could put you in harms way for violence, as I don't know your spouse. I could say leave and let him cool down, but then that could create a whole range of new issues as well, including divorce, something I do not really want to have on my head as I don't know you both personally, so I don't know your characters.

What I will say is this, that you need to get him to calm down, and find what is truly provoking his anger towards you. Anger is not an emotion, it is really a consequence, or action for a better term, of emotions. What is he truly feeling? Is he getting PTSD? If you suspect he is, he needs to pull his head in and get help if he wants to keep this relationship and family together. He needs to come to terms with this now, and very quickly, before things get out of hand.

If you can't get him to a counsellor or the like, tell him to come and speak with me, man to man, as chances are, if he is developing PTSD, then I can atleast give it to him straight, and in terms he might understand. Print out the [DLMURL="http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread6.html"]symptoms of PTSD[/DLMURL] and the [DLMURL="http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread84.html"]PTSD self test[/DLMURL], and get him to read it with you, see if you can relate his actions to what is written, and maybe he might see daylight about the matter.

If he is developing PTSD, then you need to stick your kicking boots on, because he is going to need them, especially if he is in denial that nothing is wrong with him. Sometimes we with PTSD, or developing PTSD, need a shakeup within our lives to get us moving in a more positive direction. Seperation is not a positive direction, and often someone you love, you will watch self destruct completely, opposed to just self destruct then move past it.

Facts are, your husband admits he has PTSD, but chances are, is still really denying it, because he thinks he can handle it. Many thought they could handle it, right before they committed suicide. I know he thinks he is all big, tough, macho and so forth, being ex military, and bullet proof that nothing can harm him, or he can handle it... but the facts are, I thought that once also, and how wrong I was. I acknowledged it though before it was too late for me, I ended up dead. He needs to realise that PTSD is no game, and it does kill every day.

If your husband is the way I think he is, then softly softly is not going to work. He needs it military style, straight down the line, right between the eyes, to get him to wakeup to the issues at hand.

 

[nml]

Hi desert4now

Just a suggestion, have you thought maybe you yourself, having been in a abusive relationship before, may have developed PTSD yourself?

 

[desert4now]

Anthony & NML,
Thank you Anthony for your words. Seeing things from the sufferers perspective is good for me. I will not give up on him so I might have to put my kicking boots on...tactfully of course.

NML....yes, the thought has crossed my mind on several occasions that I might be suffering myself. One symptom of PTSD I wish I had was to not feel anything because sometimes I feel everything and it hurts and it is overwhelming.

Thank you for letting me talk here. I feel better. Maybe I'm not crazy after all.

 

[Deleted member 3]

Hi desert4now,

I'm with Anthony, kicking boots is what you will need. I'm his wife so I know what rubbish it took to get him to move his ass in the right direction. My husband had denial down to an art form and as for him being right and me being wrong. It still is that way sometimes but I take less of his rubbish now that I ever used to. Honestly, all human beings like to be right, its just that you add PTSD and a military background and you have one self-righteous SOB. Sure he could have stayed in denial, sure he could have done it on his own but I was walking if the crap continued. He chose to take his sorry ass to a counsellor - I'm pleased that he did. Looking at his critiques from another perspective helps, that is he places you in the firing line because he feels so crap about himself. In reality, he probably doesn't feel that he now measures up and of the course the military give you higher expectations of yourself.

If you want to stay with him, stand your ground (although try and do it without emotion and anger - not like I used to), tell him what the boundaries are and let him know what the consequences breaching for those are. It's okay to support him but you are not his emotional punching bag and he is responsible for his behaviour - PTSD or not!

 

[desert4now]

Wow

Hello Kerrie-Ann,
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I will put kicking boots on. I have to accept that. Its hard because I'm a pretty mellow person and "happy go lucky" most of the time. I'm not an aggressive person......but I love him and I cherish our marriage. I may need a pep talk along the way. You and your husband are doing great things here. You are a blessing.