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Sexual Assault I feel like I'm in a dark hole

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BlueWeepingRose

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My life is forever changed, I don't feel like the same person anymore. I have a hard time trusting people. There's many men who I feel attracted too, but when we get close, I freak out and flashback's start coming. There's also been times where I will shake, break down crying and I feel like I'm in danger. Even when I try to calm down, I still feel like I'm in danger. Apart of me wants to move on, but when these things happen I can't stop thinking of that night when my ex sexually assaulted me. Many people think I'm exaggerating when I got into detail about my ex, but he was a sociopath. For many years I was blinded by his behavior and loved him. Looking back anytime I questioned him, he would go into a fit and say I was crazy, than he would sweet talk me, hug me close and in the back of my mind I would doubt myself. This happened for so long, that memories became a dark cloud and I couldn't even think clearly. He convinced me of so many things, many times I would think I was the abuser and have to overthink everything again to try to remind myself that he abused me. This is how confused I got, I completely lost who I was and felt in love with him. All I remember is crying over him, begging him back when he disappeared and he would always say I did something wrong and that I had to change or stop talking to someone who he didn't like. I did everything for him and stopped talking to so many people because he kept getting angry over it. Even if I hugged one of my female friends, he got jealous and mad.

By the end of everything is when I saw everything clear. I started blaming myself, thinking I was stupid for allowing him to abuse me for so long and ask why I didn't get out. When I opened up to my friends about everything and about the sexual assault, I was immediately judged for it and looked at as if I was crazy. Everyday I would sob, wake up crying, have these horrible nightmares, sweat in my sleep and become paranoid when guys got too close to me. This is when I became more aware of things and the flashback's started. If someone knocked on my door, I would jump and scream or I would get startled by the littlest thing. Anytime a guy tries to get close to me and tell me he likes me, I just look down at the floor, tear up and immediately put my arms in front of my body to try to block it and protect myself. They always look at me strangely, but I know why I do these things. Never did I mention it to these guys, I wasn't ready to open up to some guy I just met. I've always just told them I wasn't ready for a relationship. This always happens when people get too close to me, try to touch me, hug me or tell me their interested in me, I just tear up, feel depressed and look at the floor. Everything comes back to me at once and I immediately think to myself, "I need to get out!" "I need to get out of this situation!!" I've had people close to me who I've told to get over this, anytime I try, these kind of things happen and that's how I know I'm not over this. I can't just force myself to get over this. I'm in therapy and I'm hoping one day I can actually feel happy, not feel depressed all the time and feel like I'm in this dark hole, this numbness is killing me. I'm not in any danger to myself, but this feeling I feel all the time, it's horrible. Only so many people can relate to how I feel. This might be hard for others to read, but this has been on my mind for so long and I hope there's someone out there who can understand.
 
Hi @BlueWeepingRose I understand. I'm sorry you are hurting so much and glad glad your ate in therapy and that you know this can get better, those are really good things.

I've been in an abusive relationship or two aswell and understand the mindf*ck it is, with them exploding and twisting things to be your fault when you're just trying to talk things out with them.

Also understand you getting a really bad reaction from others when you try and talk about it with them.

Reading and rereading Lundy Bancroft book- Why Does he do that was extraordinarily validating and helpful to me, still is. See if you can get a copy, it helps you make sense of all the confusion mess that is having hone through an abusive relationship.

Glad you reached out here, hope you can continue to do so :hug:

How long ago did you get away? And how long have you been in therapy? Hope its helping :)
 
@berlinda I'm glad you understand. There's not many people I can open to about this because, they simply don't understand of what it can do to you. Many people believe that you can simply get over things like that. I get affected by it still and I left him about a year ago.

Recently got into therapy when PTSD started to affect my everyday life. Getting triggered by things: noises upset me, certain songs I hear on the radio, certain scenes in movies. So I have to be careful what I watch now and when people are yelling and fighting. It takes me back to when my ex boyfriend used to yell at me. For a very long time I didn't know I was being abused, I truly thought that I was upsetting my ex boyfriend and that it was my fault. Took some time to get out of it, because I kept trying to fix things. Overtime it became so bad that I couldn't even work anymore and I felt mentally drained by him. That's when I realized that things would never change.

I'm so glad that I ended up getting out of it. Believe if I didn't that he would eventually do something horrible to me. Therapy is helping me a lot and been given some coping techniques to do. A few months ago is when I started to dissociate where I feel like I'm not there, as if I'm drifting away and as if everything is a dream. I will just zone out and be completely blank. The blank stare and be confused as to where I am. It was scary for me when this first happened, but I know it's just my brain trying to cope with things when things get too badly for me, such as stress or triggers. I'm learning a lot about PTSD this year. I will check out that book and order it from Amazon. Thank you for recommending it to me. If you have any other helpful info, tell me about it. I think it would be helpful to me. Thanks again for responding. I know everything I wrote can overwhelm everyone, but I bottled this in for so long and I'm finally getting it off my chest. This Forum is very helpful, along with my therapist.
 
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