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I feel like people are lying to me. Alot.

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The most recent example....

There was a teenager at the park that had caught a snake. My husband and I stopped to talk to him to find out what it was and what he planned to do with it. He wanted to take it home. I had thought at the time it was illegal so I took the snake from him and told him I would give it back once I found it it was legal. In the meantime he's telling me he's called all the proper channels and has been told it's legal. I think he's lying. I later find out he's not. ( I ended up just giving the snake back to him anyway because I can't get ahold of anybody)
I didn't know this kid. I should have took him at his word because I had no proof otherwise. But I didn't.

Anyway that happens all the time. With family members, with strangers, with coworkers, etc etc. How do I stop? Surely not everybody is truly lying to me...are they?

My immediate thought is kinda-wow this is about trusting others...... (this is WOW behavior-that's what I call it)....... I view this as drama-seeking behavior. What does this kind of behavior do for you personally? What motivates it (maybe a need to be right? a need to be in control? A need to make sure no one is lying to you so you take control and become Dudley DoRight? ). I have done these kinds of things before but not to strangers, but the question I ask myself now is "Is this my problem, and if the answer is no......I don't get involved." Just because you can take action, doesn't mean you ALWAYS have to....or it is the best solution.
So who was having a problem that you needed to take control over? A snake? Was any harm coming to the snake? How would the boy taking the snake home impacted you personally? The answer -it wouldn't. In my dysfunctional home, I was taught to fix everything, be the peace-maker, and use my value system when making decisions but my parents failed to teach me to use common sense, logic, and not everything needs fixing. I'm good with this approach now....it keeps me out of other people's stuff and is drama-limiting.
 
I don’t view that kind of situation as drama seeking behaviour.

I see it as in the first instance as not being a bystander. Who stood to suffer? The teen ( a minor - someone we recognise isn’t always capable of planned, wise decision making by virtue of lack of experience or authority to commit to their resolve) and the snake.

Why question someone? Well , when you ask someone if they did something wrong they often say no. I think it’s fair to check on a minor and not expect them to take control for a living thing.

I recognise that this is being raised as an example of habitable concern, which could be problematic, but I think that there are some very good potential motivations and concerns here which may or may not be applicable. @Zoogal eas not bystanding in that instance and sought answers till finding out that the situation was ok.

I think that’s a win.

An alternative might me a headline ‘teen killed by snake taken from wild’ or ‘rare snake populations decrease’ .

People would ask why ‘adults in the environment hadn’t intervened’ .

Managing this stuff that’s sometimes a positive trait and sometimes a hindrance is hard @Zoogal. It’s the hardest. You can just stop doing stuff that’s whollly destructive , but in this case
Questioning is protective sometimes.

I had an approach that sometimes works. I try and receive everything neutrally as a sort of Schrödinger’s cat information. It could be wholly true ( as that person sees it) or wholly false. I can’t control that, I can refer to my experiences and do research if I need to . I would consider the snake example aplace where I would not bystand . If someone is telling me about something with no apparent vulnerable person/ animal involved ‘ there was a crash on the way here so I was late’ .... does it matter? The only thing that might matter is my boundary about my time. The other person’s veracity is not a problem. I (try and often fail) to only start shaking that box or even just making experience or research based judgement calls is If that veracity is challenging safety to someone or being manipulation.
 
My immediate thought is kinda-wow this is about trusting others...... (this is WOW behavior-that's what I call it)....... I view this as drama-seeking behavior. What does this kind of behavior do for you personally? What motivates it (maybe a need to be right? a need to be in control? A need to make sure no one is lying to you so you take control and become Dudley DoRight? ). I have done these kinds of things before but not to strangers, but the question I ask myself now is "Is this my problem, and if the answer is no......I don't get involved." Just because you can take action, doesn't mean you ALWAYS have to....or it is the best solution.
So who was having a problem that you needed to take control over? A snake? Was any harm coming to the snake? How would the boy taking the snake home impacted you personally? The answer -it wouldn't. In my dysfunctional home, I was taught to fix everything, be the peace-maker, and use my value system when making decisions but my parents failed to teach me to use common sense, logic, and not everything needs fixing. I'm good with this approach now....it keeps me out of other people's stuff and is drama-limiting.
It had nothing to do with me personally. If I only cared about everything that effected me personally I'd be one crappy person.
 
Disagree with the Schrödinger’s cat analogy cuz perception colors everything and good luck with "receiving everything neutral". Precious few things, especially any more are black or white, either/or, or even if/then. Would that life would be so simple. I gotta know my base mind set "the norm", know it under stress/duress, and pick and choose the thoughts out of the 10's of thousands or so each day WHAT, HOW, When and WHY I attend to them. I did a couple of years testing out and optimizing and tweeking a "mostly" reliable filter.

How can it push people away? To me the most obvious reason was it presumed an expectation that others around me had the same or similar perception about an incident/situation or something than I did. They didn't. Not necessarily or with any predictable anyways. It was and remains a personal unconscious bias/habit/behavior or choice.
 
Regarding presuming perceptions are the same ... that’s a slightly separate but related issue.

And in fact I think your response highlights how right you are that perception and experiences are different! And maybe why my method often worked for me ? I am used to perception being different to mine. I have frequently been a minority or an immigrant. I am always aware that perception is different and coloured by experiences and culture.

Where I agree it can be problematic is in overcompensating for that I have accepted hurtful things by others whose perception was not only different but limited. That however is not about veracity and that sort of warning / flag or hyper sensitivity so I won’t expand here .
 
It had nothing to do with me personally. If I only cared about everything that effected me personally I'd be one crappy person.


@Zoogal I don't perceive this as "caring" behavior, it is really mistrustful behavior. The kid didn't have a chance no matter what he said and if he was telling the truth he was toast....not to be believed. Why do you mistrust so? Where did you learn this behavior?

I guess I see it from a "that's not a physically or emotionally safe thing to be doing and you based all your actions on projected thoughts, catastrophic potential outcomes not grounded in any facts.....a recipe for stirring a pot that doesn't need stirring (drama).

A. The kid was a stranger-and he was going home with a snake-making it his parents problem when he got home-not yours. Civic duty minded-tell the kid about possible law infringement and about safety poisonous vs nonpoisonous, and if he seems cool with the snake......keep walking and have a lovely time with your husband.....other people have the right to go to the park without someone butting in (you said you approached him) and taking over.

B. Your behavior was not based on facts (like you knew it was some poisonous snake and knew it was rare and knew there was no cure or antidote for a snake bite from this species of snake) . Based on what you wrote, you assumed the kid lied-so you took on the problem. This is not being a good Samaritan or how I view caring behavior. But that's only one opinion, right?

C. You removed the snake from the boy BECAUSE you thought he was lying..(mindreading?).........what you describe seem super controlling and in the right circumstances.... has potential for creating unnecessary drama. You ever seen a pissed off parent when someone doesn't believe their child?..A total recipe for drama.

E. You stopped spending a lovely time with your husband .......to go chase a perceived possible problem without any supportive evidence, you are letting outsiders interfere with your most precious relationship-and you are invalidating his presence with a perceived problem/not an emergency. You support your motivations for your actions with projected headlines about "a dead kid"......really? You got police or SPCA? That's what they get paid for....so those headlines don't happen.......this was clearly out of your window of knowledge....

This is an example of "fixing-behavior" (been there, done that-and wasn't popular either) and it is very co-dependent and controlling. Catastrophic thinking (potential dead kid, what will people think of me if I don't and something happens) only gives you a false reason to act. I found I was not a popular person when I tried to fix people's issues ( was raised a fixer and people pleaser), because it got me all upset, invalidated the people I interacted with, and usually people didn't really want my help anyway. I honestly didn't understand why they didn't want my help. It was upsetting to others when I treated them as though I was the only one who could solve or fix their issues, a know-it-all, and treated them as incompetent....controlling behavior can be a real relationship killer......I now work on asking myself, "Is this my problem, and do I have to be involved to solve it?" If the answer is no, I don't get involved. This isn't being a bystander, it is living my own life.

Finally, if you are frequently looking for others to be lying, or doing something that might be wrong, the focus is on you to fix it ( a false ego building thing)..... Working on giving others the benefit of the doubt, letting them fix their own problems, focusing on yourself and your close relationships..... might improve them and you-and it is stress-reducing giving you more energy for the positive things in life. Learned behaviors are hard to break....but the effort is worth it!
 
@Zoogal I don't perceive this as "caring" behavior, it is really mistrustful behavior. The kid didn't have a chance no matter what he said and if he was telling the truth he was toast....not to be believed. Why do you mistrust so? Where did you learn this behavior?

I guess I see it from a "that's not a physically or emotionally safe thing to be doing and you based all your actions on projected thoughts, catastrophic potential outcomes not grounded in any facts.....a recipe for stirring a pot that doesn't need stirring (drama).

A. The kid was a stranger-and he was going home with a snake-making it his parents problem when he got home-not yours. Civic duty minded-tell the kid about possible law infringement and about safety poisonous vs nonpoisonous, and if he seems cool with the snake......keep walking and have a lovely time with your husband.....other people have the right to go to the park without someone butting in (you said you approached him) and taking over.

B. Your behavior was not based on facts (like you knew it was some poisonous snake and knew it was rare and knew there was no cure or antidote for a snake bite from this species of snake) . Based on what you wrote, you assumed the kid lied-so you took on the problem. This is not being a good Samaritan or how I view caring behavior. But that's only one opinion, right?

C. You removed the snake from the boy BECAUSE you thought he was lying..(mindreading?).........what you describe seem super controlling and in the right circumstances.... has potential for creating unnecessary drama. You ever seen a pissed off parent when someone doesn't believe their child?..A total recipe for drama.

E. You stopped spending a lovely time with your husband .......to go chase a perceived possible problem without any supportive evidence, you are letting outsiders interfere with your most precious relationship-and you are invalidating his presence with a perceived problem/not an emergency. You support your motivations for your actions with projected headlines about "a dead kid"......really? You got police or SPCA? That's what they get paid for....so those headlines don't happen.......this was clearly out of your window of knowledge....

This is an example of "fixing-behavior" (been there, done that-and wasn't popular either) and it is very co-dependent and controlling. Catastrophic thinking (potential dead kid, what will people think of me if I don't and something happens) only gives you a false reason to act. I found I was not a popular person when I tried to fix people's issues ( was raised a fixer and people pleaser), because it got me all upset, invalidated the people I interacted with, and usually people didn't really want my help anyway. I honestly didn't understand why they didn't want my help. It was upsetting to others when I treated them as though I was the only one who could solve or fix their issues, a know-it-all, and treated them as incompetent....controlling behavior can be a real relationship killer......I now work on asking myself, "Is this my problem, and do I have to be involved to solve it?" If the answer is no, I don't get involved. This isn't being a bystander, it is living my own life.

Finally, if you are frequently looking for others to be lying, or doing something that might be wrong, the focus is on you to fix it ( a false ego building thing)..... Working on giving others the benefit of the doubt, letting them fix their own problems, focusing on yourself and your close relationships..... might improve them and you-and it is stress-reducing giving you more energy for the positive things in life. Learned behaviors are hard to break....but the effort is worth it!
I didn't chase anything. We were passing them as they were catching the snakes. You are making alot more out of this than it is.
Bottom line...if I didn't think it was a problem I didn't believe the boy I wouldn't have posted here. You're reading waaaaaay more into this than you should. To me that's pretty "dramatic".
 
I didn't chase anything. We were passing them as they were catching the snakes. You are making alot more out of this than it is.
Bottom line...if I didn't think it was a problem I didn't believe the boy I wouldn't have posted here. You're reading waaaaaay more into this than you should. To me that's pretty "dramatic".

We see things differently, that's all. And your use of what I "should" do......maybe a clue? a pattern?.....I just responded to what you wrote about mistrusting the kid being central to your taking action.... as my point of reference......no harm meant....I personally have come to value the differing opinions.....they make me think more deeply about why I do or don't do things.

......But then why did you post it if you didn't want feedback?......I found here not all feedback aligns with my point of view, and usually the feedback I get that irritates me....sometimes has a hint of validity. Good luck with the trusting others....in the end....we all take what we like on the forum and leave the rest....eh?
 
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