Childhood I feel like this was definitely COCSA (Child on child sexual assault) My story, I guess?

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Rezzeria

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I was 10 and he was maybe 14-15. Thinking back we didn't feel so far apart, but I checked a bit ago and he had graduated highschool a year or two back.
The first time had been him, already 14 or 15, and his friend, 15 or 16. Ive always been a foodie and despite how embarrassing it is to admit, I agreed to do a sexual act for some saltine crackers. That's so embarrassing. I felt so grown, but so disgusted when it was over. It didn't end, they were my babysitters while my parents went out. My friend, his sister didn't question any of the times he'd led me back to his bedroom, putting on inappropriate horror films as background noise. I felt so loved, so I gladly followed him. I had never felt so wanted.
He continued this for a while, him agreeing to share me with his friend, letting him have his time with me. I never felt this was wrong because I agreed. There's so much more, as this went for about 2 years, going over to their house almost every weekend.
I'm 15 now, and my sister is now 10 and I cannot understand what he saw in me as attractive. I was a little kid.
It wasn't even just him, at 7-9 I had friend who lived down the street, and every sleep over we'd do anything sexual she could come up with. She was 2 years my senior and I didn't know what any of it was.
I'd also blame this all for me allowing myself to get groomed online at 11-13, sending explicit photos to a 25 year old man at 11. This didn't sound nearly as horrible in my head.
Sorry if this sounds scrambled, I have a bad memory.
 
I never felt this was wrong because I agreed.
An 11 year old cannot legally consent to sexual activity, even if it's with a 14 or 15 year old. Whether you agreed or didn't agree, it's the same - you were abused. It's not your fault.
allowing myself to get groomed online at 11-13
You didn't allow yourself to be groomed. Your abuser groomed you. You had zero say in the matter.

Are you currently safe? Are you in therapy?
 
I felt so loved, so I gladly followed him. I had never felt so wanted.
This is the line that so, so many of us say on this forum, who've been through CSA, in one way or another.

We wanted love, attention, and to be wanted emotionally.

What we got in trade for that desired healthy attatchment was grooming for sexual abuse.
I never felt this was wrong because I agreed.
See above...you did not agree to it, you were groomed. Children don't agree to sex, they don't even truly know what sex is...they agree to doing things in trade for attention, in trade for a sense of belonging. Then they do it over and over.
I felt so grown, but so disgusted when it was over.
This^^^ you felt disgusted because you were a child who did not know (developmentally) what sex was. Grown, consenting, healthy adults are not disgusted by sexual acts, children are...

You wanted love, attention and belonging (and to feel 'grown up') like they were.

That is what a 10 year old actually understands, what they really want. What they are hoping to get.

If those older than you had watched a movie with you (age appropriate), you would have done that with them over and over...for the attachment, NOT the sex.

You did Not agree to it. That is the hardest and most confusing part of recovering from CSA, teaching our brain what is true about the events, what is accurate, then coming to understand the atrocity of it once our brain wraps its arms around what it means to be groomed.

Much encouragement for you as you walk this road of recovery.
 
An 11 year old cannot legally consent to sexual activity, even if it's with a 14 or 15 year old. Whether you agreed or didn't agree, it's the same - you were abused. It's not your fault.

You didn't allow yourself to be groomed. Your abuser groomed you. You had zero say in the matter.

Are you currently safe? Are you in therapy?
I am safe yes, and I should be starting therapy soon. Thank you so much for your thoughts.
 
I was 10 and he was maybe 14-15.

He was old enough to understand what he was doing, just as you are now old enough to understand the effects of your actions. Your understanding of this may deepen and change as your brain develops further, but basically, you get it. So did he. That's why it occurred in secret, because he was aware it was wrong.

Is a 14-15 year old the same as a 35 year old? No. Could he have been reenacting his own abuse? Possibly. But that doesn't change what happened to you && it does not mean that you are required to forgive or absolve him.

I never felt this was wrong because I agreed.

When I was 10 I agreed to do a lot of things as well as acting entirely autonomously on multiple occasions & even convincing/seducing adults into sexual acts that they had prior displayed discomfort with.

It's taken me a long time to be able to put it into context because as a grown-up myself, there is no amount of wheedling or anything else (even if the kid showed up stark naked & begged me to, even if they climbed all over me or tried to act out physically, which I've done as a kid) that would make me go "ugh! Fine then! I'll do it!"

I would physically restrain the kid if it were necessary & get them immediate medical help. Yes, this includes at ages 14-15. As I am sure you would also seek to prevent your 10 year old sister from acting out sexually on you & would be aware that it is indicative of a serious problem, not something for you to throw your hands up at and go "oh, well, she agreed! Fair game."

&& contrary to the opinions of this thread, I did know what I was doing & I did understand what sex was, where babies came from, even what STIs were. It's still rape. Whether you agree to it, whether you understand it, a 10 year old cannot consent to sex because sex is damaging to children both physiologically && psychologically.
 
I agree with what all the others have said. What you experienced was abuse. And I am very sorry it has happened to you. I am glad you are starting therapy. It is going to take time to process and heal. One of the hardest things to grapple with is accepting that you were a child and your actions weren't your fault.
 
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