SeekingAfrica
Sponsor
I was getting better, but then I hit some administrative trouble + finally getting some work(albeit horribly paid) after a year of only side projects and job applications. I've spend a year of different stages of unemployment(while battling severe depression and anxiety). The stage of being optimistic that I'll get work soon. Going through my left resources, selling things, side jobs. The deep dive into deeper depression, cutting off any unnecessary expense, getting late on bills, taking loans. The stage of living back with my family, deeper depression and a lot of applications. The stage of more applications, some work, finally paying off bill after bill, living on my own again. Things slowly pushing forward, more out of my sheer stubbornness to keep applying than all else.
Finally, I have some work. I still need to sell some things, get some loans, but I'm also finally paying off a lot of debts, more than the loans. Finally there is some hope. But there have been weeks of dealing with administration and problem after problem and I was already depressed and depleated. And now I have few productive days, and every few days- a day like today when being out of bed is a challenge. And on top of it I worry that I can't push tasks forward just like that. But yet so many hours pass and I still can't get myself to do anything but cry. I know if I hold on a little more there is hope of things finally getting better- but it's been SO long and I'm tired and I don't know how to believe things can change.
I want to get to a time when I can pay all my bills and have leftover. I want to be able to spend 20$ for something that it's necessary and urgent(there are a lot of necessary things that are on backburner). I want to be able to afford therapy again. All my steps forward feel small and insignificant. I've had to be crazy creative for a year to pull off being able to pay everything even while looking for work. I wasn't prepared, that's on me. But I threw all I had in my health and therapy for some years, and I was finally getting better, and then life hit again. And I know it's a regular life thing, it's just my mind making it so impossible, but I feel so weak. Like I managed a year, and now managing 10days feels impossible.
I hate how I'm being today, yet there is nothing to say, and no one to say it to. I just have to somehow get it together and do something, anything. I just wish I knew how...
Finally, I have some work. I still need to sell some things, get some loans, but I'm also finally paying off a lot of debts, more than the loans. Finally there is some hope. But there have been weeks of dealing with administration and problem after problem and I was already depressed and depleated. And now I have few productive days, and every few days- a day like today when being out of bed is a challenge. And on top of it I worry that I can't push tasks forward just like that. But yet so many hours pass and I still can't get myself to do anything but cry. I know if I hold on a little more there is hope of things finally getting better- but it's been SO long and I'm tired and I don't know how to believe things can change.
I want to get to a time when I can pay all my bills and have leftover. I want to be able to spend 20$ for something that it's necessary and urgent(there are a lot of necessary things that are on backburner). I want to be able to afford therapy again. All my steps forward feel small and insignificant. I've had to be crazy creative for a year to pull off being able to pay everything even while looking for work. I wasn't prepared, that's on me. But I threw all I had in my health and therapy for some years, and I was finally getting better, and then life hit again. And I know it's a regular life thing, it's just my mind making it so impossible, but I feel so weak. Like I managed a year, and now managing 10days feels impossible.
I hate how I'm being today, yet there is nothing to say, and no one to say it to. I just have to somehow get it together and do something, anything. I just wish I knew how...