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I feel so stuck

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I was getting better, but then I hit some administrative trouble + finally getting some work(albeit horribly paid) after a year of only side projects and job applications. I've spend a year of different stages of unemployment(while battling severe depression and anxiety). The stage of being optimistic that I'll get work soon. Going through my left resources, selling things, side jobs. The deep dive into deeper depression, cutting off any unnecessary expense, getting late on bills, taking loans. The stage of living back with my family, deeper depression and a lot of applications. The stage of more applications, some work, finally paying off bill after bill, living on my own again. Things slowly pushing forward, more out of my sheer stubbornness to keep applying than all else.

Finally, I have some work. I still need to sell some things, get some loans, but I'm also finally paying off a lot of debts, more than the loans. Finally there is some hope. But there have been weeks of dealing with administration and problem after problem and I was already depressed and depleated. And now I have few productive days, and every few days- a day like today when being out of bed is a challenge. And on top of it I worry that I can't push tasks forward just like that. But yet so many hours pass and I still can't get myself to do anything but cry. I know if I hold on a little more there is hope of things finally getting better- but it's been SO long and I'm tired and I don't know how to believe things can change.

I want to get to a time when I can pay all my bills and have leftover. I want to be able to spend 20$ for something that it's necessary and urgent(there are a lot of necessary things that are on backburner). I want to be able to afford therapy again. All my steps forward feel small and insignificant. I've had to be crazy creative for a year to pull off being able to pay everything even while looking for work. I wasn't prepared, that's on me. But I threw all I had in my health and therapy for some years, and I was finally getting better, and then life hit again. And I know it's a regular life thing, it's just my mind making it so impossible, but I feel so weak. Like I managed a year, and now managing 10days feels impossible.

I hate how I'm being today, yet there is nothing to say, and no one to say it to. I just have to somehow get it together and do something, anything. I just wish I knew how...
 
You are telling us, and we are listening and hearing you. Not a lot can stress me to the point of where you are right now, except finances. or lack of.. I understand exactly how you feel. Trying, doing all you can do, doing all the right things the right way, and just can not catch a break. It is a very hard and stressful place to be.

I am only going to suggest that you set aside some money, or get a loan, or what ever you have to do...to go to the Dr. and get your depression addressed. And then if you need further therapy, make arrangements for that too.. because hon, none of your credit scores matter if you aren't around to enjoy and feel the satisfaction of the fruits of your labor.

I hear you. And I truly hope you go for some help. The depression is at a danger point and you know it. That is why you reached out.

Please find a way to take care of your self.... you are worth it.. you really are. Anyone that can work that hard to stay on top, after setback after setback, is absolutely entitled to get some help. Sending gentle hugs, I hear you, and I understand.:hug:
 
You are telling us, and we are listening and hearing you. Not a lot can stress me to the point of where y...
I agree more than 100%. I've wanted that for a while. But I can only get a certain amount of loans per month (and boy, am I impressed with what I actually managed to get when in a time crunch to pay rent when I had no work...). And this month and the next, even though I have work, I'm still waaay behind so I need any loans I can get to make ends meet. So, the hope is that at the end of July I'll be making enough to do something about therapy. Or alternatively I'll try to sell some things in the meantime- but I already have to sell some to help my budget as well. It's a complicated time.

That is what I was saying too. I know I am absolutely ignoring an important issue(being depressed enough to need help) because...it's just not an option yet. The hope is I manage to do something about it as soon as I can, but if not I just need to push through until August comes. In the meantime, I did get up a bit today, and I found some self-help books, workbooks and resources, and I'll just...have to manage, one day at a time.

Thank you for writing. And for being so nice. After so many problems it's easy to forget that what I do has been worth anything at all. Sometimes. I really hope I find a way to go to therapy soon...in the meantime...I'm doing what I can on my own. Although I'm sure there will be other days like this. Point is...I'm still trying, and that has to mean something, right?
 
@ladee Btw, I know that financials are one of the things people fight the most about and get upset the most about. It's a common thing. And in addition to that, it's one of my biggest triggers I had for my PTSD...I've worked on it a LOT(it was bad enough that I couldn't even think of applying for jobs without getting sick and hypervigilant), and although I am a lot better, it does affect me more than it should, for sure.
 
I don't know @SeekingAfrica , about 'more than it should'... it is our safety net after all. To have enough money to live. However meager that may be at times.

And you are so right, you are still showing up, still trying... and great that you got out some books and worksheets today. Hard to do when we are depressed and feel the weight of the world..But it does help us to feel not so powerless. we may not be able to fix the problem of funds for awhile, but we can do something about our day to day thoughts and actions...

Very proud you got up and found some things to read, it is very hard when we are that depressed... I think out of all symptoms, I hate depression the most... it is like trying to live under this wet blanket that is smothering us... and people think it's just so easy to 'throw the blanket off'... uh no, it's not...

I've had to do a lot of work on my own too... and in some ways, it helped a lot, because it meant I was not just going to lay down and wait for things to fall into place.. so yes... it means a lot you are still trying. Don't give up five minutes before the miracles start to happen... glad you reached out and let us know how rough things are right now.... but sounds like you are going to make it thru.... this is a journey that shows us strengths we didn't know we had...

So keep on keepin' on !!! No set rules how we proceed, as long as we rest when we need to , but move when we have to also... hope things get better for you really soon... :hug:
 
I don't know @SeekingAfrica , about 'more than it should'... it is our safety net afte...
Let me clarify. Yes, money are important, to pay rent, food, to live. When I say more than it should I mean my reaction. If you had a partner to support you and (mostly) decent work, but you had a payment delay one time, or you were late on one bill, what would your reaction be? My reaction at the time was to pretend it wasn't happening until I had no choice, pretend there is no issue in front of my friends, get too anxious to continue working, have several panic attacks daily, starting thinking of doing side jobs for almost no money that are paid instantly....Not thinking of loans, not thinking of selling anything, or asking my partner until I had no choice(even though he would have helped). Not thinking of solutions, but feeling so pushed to a survival level feeling from one bill(regular one, nothing grand), that I would get hypervigilant, unable to function and have flashbacks and nightmares of my trauma again. And I would miss a week of work over that. And suddenly I would have to concentrate on dealing with my trauma rather than the bill, or work, or anything else. And I would think I'm so horrible that I don't deserve to ask for loan even if it's 20$ or something. I sort of thought that have I had money, somehow I would have gotten myself out of the situation I was in, or wouldn't be in it in a first place(the trauma, years ago).

So yes, is it normal to be freaked out and scared and panicked by not having a job for a while- YES! But I made a lot of financial and mental health problems for myself out of small daily issues that I could have avoided. But every small daily issue concerning money or making a living threw me into my past. It was a hard time. And it wasn't entirely over when I got to not having a job last year. There were few weeks where I was at the point where I had to do something to have food, and I was still too paralyzed, for weeks, to even look at job applications without wanting to throw up. Took me quite a while to break through that connection between money and what happened to me. So in usual terms, I think it was more than it should. Although given my past maybe it was understandable. I'm a lot better, clearly, although sometimes old reactions push to the surface. I'm taking action, maybe not enough, but more than I ever thought possible for few years. Honestly looking back that is a good thing out of this year, breaking this pattern, which at times felt impossible.

Thank you for the support! Since I skipped yesterday I'll have quite hard few days coming to be honest. But I'll do my best to deal- and to take care of my mental health too.
 
I do understand your feelings. And how it threw you into the past. I have been poor my entire life. And have had to 'suffer', needlessly, in hindsight, because , like you, all those feelings were connected to my past.. right now, I am scrambling to get to the end of the month... hopefully I can get a loan.. something I can pay back quickly.

I am retired and live on a pittance and was really hoping getting into the government apts would give me a break.. it did for about two months. Until tags for the car, insurance, inspection.. gaaahhh... and now I am back to square one... only difference now is, it doesn't throw me into my history. It is purely 'here and now survival'.... and finding things to sell... yep.. the brand new TV that is still in the box... that was gifted to me.... I so do not want to sound ungrateful, but the friend that gave me that TV for Christmas... why didn't she send the cash instead. ??? THAT would have made me happy..

She will be hurt if she finds out I sold the TV, but I don't watch TV and she knows that... people keep me so confused..

So yes hon, I do understand... so we will figure it out together I guess... at least this is one more thing this wonderful forum provides for us... we are not alone in pretty much any situation we find our self in... we'll get it figured out.. be a little kinder to yourself thru the hustle... being crazy and broke... yep, I understand !! :hug::hug:
 
I do understand your feelings. And how it threw you into the past. I have been poor my entire life. And h...
Maybe your friend wanted you to have more entertainment? I get the feeling though. And yes, I come from poverty. But then my family got me to university(well, I mean money wise, I studied for the exams and for more scholarship). And then I went abroad to make more because they couldn't continue paying and that's where I got raped. And that summer I was far from anyone I knew, my family had spent what they could for me to get there and make money, and I was just left with enough money for food, having just paid rent. And then the guy that did that was someone I lived with in the house I lived in(well, different rooms). And in my messed up mind I couldn't figure out if it was my fault that it happened. All I knew was that I had come to another country for a reason, and I had no way to leave either, so I had to push whatever I felt down for months. Until I was home again. So in my mind I always think if I had money, I could have left the next day, done something about what happened. Or maybe I wouldn't have been living in that house in a first place. And my mind just snaps to all those nights I was locking myself in my room terrified while he made parties in front of my door, because I didn't have enough money to leave...

So yeah, took me a very long while to start untangling myself from that idea. I still struggle sometimes, especially in weeks like this one.

I somehow made a plan for getting through the month, but all 3 parts of the plan aren't going as expected. And anytime there is also time pressure...I don't know, I'm finding it hard to remember that those weeks will pass and I need to keep my eyes on the bigger picture. I'm happy I'm having some work finally, but to be honest the work is awful. I thought it would be good, but I hate it. Not that I have a choice right now...

I have old laptop that I want to sell, but I need to repair it first to be able to backup all the info from it and erase it...And I can't afford the repair yet, and risking to do it faster doesn't make sense since I'll need some days for backing up information. So yeah...I guess we should both hope to get through this month okay. Huugs. Thank you for being here.
 
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