I felt like I was raped all over again :(

Smile

MyPTSD Pro
Turned out to be a very strange night.

Saw a little bit of the fireworks and was fine because I was with family so that cushioned me but…

Later on, I went outside and met some friends who I’ve known almost my whole life. One of the guys started telling me about a certain type of not ur usual type of sex that he likes. I was a little uncomfortable but I was also curious and felt safe with him so we had a whole conversation about it… I asked him questions etc. etc.

But then…… He hit on me. Sure, it’s a fleeting moment of flattery but I didn’t like it. It’s twisting our friendship into something else. So I left… Not in a huff but internally upset & needing time to decompress.

A few minutes later, I was sitting in my car and I met up with a man who is 30 years my senior and lives in the community where I grew up. He’s married with children and grandchildren. and is a known flirt. He has no filter and everyone knows that but with me he’s always VERY flirty and I just tell him to stop but I never feel afraid because I know he is just talk no action.

But now… We spoke from about midnight till 2 AM and just the fact that it was in middle of the night didn’t help he kept veering the conversation towards sex (which caused me to inwardly freak & then freeze) and so at one point I told him that I have PTSD from child molestation. Only realizing after that’s I did that to try to getting him to stop talking so dirty.

Immediately, he took my hand with both of his and held it and looked me in the eye and said, “I am so sorry yada yada”. I don’t remember the rest of what he said. A few minutes later he said, was that OK that I held your Hand? and I told him, “yes because I felt like you were just trying to comfort me” and he said that’s right & went on to make his point that physical touch can be kind & caring.

About an hour later, he said in conversation that his touching me was sexual and then he looked at me and said right? And I said NO!!! I said it quite vehemently. Then I asked, was it sexual for U? And He said yes and he said yes and He said yes. I asked him three times and he said yes and I could see he was serious.

And then (for the 100th time that night) I told him to leave but in a joking way. I did the same old coward thing that I always do/did which is to just not say anything and pull back as much as I can physically away from him.

THIS TIME he listened and left. I think it was as because he realized he overstepped.

BUT, as he was walking away he said. “See! I’m slowly wearing you down. You’ll get there.” Yuckkk. Shivers.

It’s now 6 AM and I still can’t sleep. I’m still shaking from this last experience.

I’m also upset with him that he said that after I had told him about the molestation!?!?

Am I being a drama queen???
 

joeylittle

Administrator
Am I being a drama queen???
I think it's understandable, that you'd be upset and rattled by the experience. So IMO - no, not a drama queen.

But this is clearly sticking very firm in your mind, and I'm wondering how you are thinking about dealing with this person in the future. It would be good to create a plan of what you'll say and do in order to end the interaction (since it sounds like you can't cut this person out of your life entirely).
And then (for the 100th time that night) I told him to leave but in a joking way. I did the same old coward thing that I always do/did which is to just not say anything and pull back as much as I can physically away from him.

THIS TIME he listened and left. I think it was as because he realized he overstepped.

BUT, as he was walking away he said. “See! I’m slowly wearing you down. You’ll get there.” Yuckkk. Shivers.
That last statement tells you that he doesn't at all get where you're coming from - or if on some level he does, it doesn't matter, because he doesn't care. That kind of behavior is never, ever worth tolerating from anyone - it won't go backwards, if that makes sense. He'll keep trying to groom you.
 

Friday

Moderator
That last statement tells you that he doesn't at all get where you're coming from - or if on some level he does, it doesn't matter, because he doesn't care.
Some people grow on you, over time.

Like a fungus.

And need to be scraped off.

Am I being a drama queen???
First off? Ditto @joeylittle 😎

Secondly? Sounds more like the under-react / over-react coupling that happens when you keep the peace / go along with it / don’t cause a scene / etc. …in the moment… only to get WHOOMPH punched in the gut after the fact.

I’ve learned to take this as a sign that I either

1. Need to -very deliberately- de-escalate (Rather than under-react as a knee-jerk habitual or learned in trauma response) the situation. I may still feel icky afterwards, but both in a very different way than when I’ve been trauma reenacting, and in a very-easy-to-logic-myself-feeling-better (I did that on purpose, because of XYZ. I may not like the situation, but I was in control of the situation, rather than the situation being in control of me.

2. Need to be absolutely willing to cause a scene, and potentially end valued friendships… to take a hard stance, and draw a line right there in the moment.

<<< Which means being absolutely clear & strong in my own boundaries.

>>> Someone (that I care about) says or does ABC? Without any regard to hurting their feelings, causing a scene, ending friendships, “ruining” anyone’s night (including my own), etc. tell them to stop. Oy! That’s it. No more. Hard limit. I don’t have to be angry, or mean, nor do they get any kind of say in it. I’m not asking. I’m telling. Which is a warning anyone who means less to me does not get.
>>> If they continue after I’ve told them to knock it off? Walk away. Or Go Home. Because I am finis. Done. Not playing around. And removing myself from this situation (because I can, because this isn’t trauma where I’m forced to stay and endure, but normal life where I can make choices).

People often confuse boundaries for telling someone else what you want, and them doing it. It’s an easy mistake to make, as we often share our likes/dislikes, needs/wants, soft & hard limits, etc. with the people we care about. Who often adjust their behavior accordingly. Or we may negotiate, remind, tolerate, etc. more or less for the people we care about based on what we know about the .. And vice versa. But? That’s not actually what HAVING boundaries are. Boundaries are our own. No one else gets a say.

Having a boundary is NOT : You will do XYZ.

Having a boundary IS : If they do not do XYZ, then I will do _____. And then blank. And then blank.

Being strong in your boundaries doesn’t mean ANYONE will act any dofferently, or abide by them, or anything else.

Being strong in your boundaries means YOU do, exactly as you’ve decided to do, each and every single time they’re crossed.

Other people push our limits, and we in turn push other peoples limits. Their boundaries are their responsibility. Our boundaries are ours.

It doesn’t really matter which choice I make; to deliberately deescalate, or to take a stand. What matters is that I’m not half in trauma-land acting as if now is then. Instead, I’m wholly (or mostly!) in the now. Acting as if now is now. Which has its own little stomach flip-flop, but is a helluva lot better than the massive Then-Now-Then-Now hangover I get if I act in the now as if it’s then.
😵‍💫 😡🤬 😵‍💫 🤢🤮 😵‍💫
 

brat17

MyPTSD Pro
I have to admit that I did not read every word that you post. It was too painful for me. Im 63 and still dont have my shit under control. So I also didn't read others posts because I dint want them to influence me. I am sorry if this hurts anyones feelings.

I am so damn critical of myself that at this age I have to monitor myself so much, and am so harsh. I have decided very recently that I need to watch any contact with men at all. We are wired so differently. Most recently, a guy who is a friend of my daughters became inapporate on a social media sight, and I was like, wtf did I do to entice this My past would have tried to do something to make it right. Not now. Stop contact.

Maybe it happens to everyone, IDK, but maybe some are able to handle it without re-triggering symptoms. Not me. I cant even tell you when it all began. I just live in a shitty place for women....no care or respect here.

Just dont blame yourself. Move on. No head space ....not worth it.
 

caroline_13

Confident
Turned out to be a very strange night.

Saw a little bit of the fireworks and was fine because I was with family so that cushioned me but…

Later on, I went outside and met some friends who I’ve known almost my whole life. One of the guys started telling me about a certain type of not ur usual type of sex that he likes. I was a little uncomfortable but I was also curious and felt safe with him so we had a whole conversation about it… I asked him questions etc. etc.

But then…… He hit on me. Sure, it’s a fleeting moment of flattery but I didn’t like it. It’s twisting our friendship into something else. So I left… Not in a huff but internally upset & needing time to decompress.

A few minutes later, I was sitting in my car and I met up with a man who is 30 years my senior and lives in the community where I grew up. He’s married with children and grandchildren. and is a known flirt. He has no filter and everyone knows that but with me he’s always VERY flirty and I just tell him to stop but I never feel afraid because I know he is just talk no action.

But now… We spoke from about midnight till 2 AM and just the fact that it was in middle of the night didn’t help he kept veering the conversation towards sex (which caused me to inwardly freak & then freeze) and so at one point I told him that I have PTSD from child molestation. Only realizing after that’s I did that to try to getting him to stop talking so dirty.

Immediately, he took my hand with both of his and held it and looked me in the eye and said, “I am so sorry yada yada”. I don’t remember the rest of what he said. A few minutes later he said, was that OK that I held your Hand? and I told him, “yes because I felt like you were just trying to comfort me” and he said that’s right & went on to make his point that physical touch can be kind & caring.

About an hour later, he said in conversation that his touching me was sexual and then he looked at me and said right? And I said NO!!! I said it quite vehemently. Then I asked, was it sexual for U? And He said yes and he said yes and He said yes. I asked him three times and he said yes and I could see he was serious.

And then (for the 100th time that night) I told him to leave but in a joking way. I did the same old coward thing that I always do/did which is to just not say anything and pull back as much as I can physically away from him.

THIS TIME he listened and left. I think it was as because he realized he overstepped.

BUT, as he was walking away he said. “See! I’m slowly wearing you down. You’ll get there.” Yuckkk. Shivers.

It’s now 6 AM and I still can’t sleep. I’m still shaking from this last experience.

I’m also upset with him that he said that after I had told him about the molestation!?!?

Am I being a drama queen???
No, you're not.

I also get hit on inappropriately all the time. It can feel good a little bit, but mostly keeps me from trusting that men can be just good people who see me as a person.
 

caroline_13

Confident
No, you're not.

I also get hit on inappropriately all the time. It can feel good a little bit, but mostly keeps me from trusting that men can be just good people who see me as a person.
I should add, I'm working on balancing my chakras and releasing trapped emotions so not everything that bothers me kills me. And maybe some things, depending what they are, don't bother me.

It helps to remember we're all human and I love my women friends. (who also sometimes hit on me!)
 
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