This is rambling... It's not exactly a question, just a situation I am trying to think through, and this format is helping me.
I met this guy in person twice, in March, he's licensed, takes my insurance, I liked him well enough in person. He came highly recommended from a trusted source. I know that doesn't prove anything, but I went in and I liked what he had to say and our treatment plan seemed to sync up. But then COVID happened and so we've been talking on the phone every week or 2 since March. And he has ALL my records from my psychiatrist. But I feel really frustrated and I feel that I can't express myself well to someone new.
So now I feel like I am stuck with him ... am having a hard time figuring out what is "normal" in therapy, and what is not. I know it's not really true that he is a stranger. But it feels true to me. So I told him this has been on my mind. But then I worried he would feel insulted.
I was so embarrassed and apologized over and over. I know it drives him nuts but that's something I have almost no control over. I said it after I said "Bye". "Bye T, I'm so sorry again, okay, bye." Like a total idiot.
Part of the problem is, I felt forced to do this in a hurry. I was planning to find someone new, but in sort of a vague way like "maybe in a year or so." (Consider I've been with my old T for 15 years.) Circumstances changed it into a rush job. I didn't even know why my old T wasn't showing up starting in January; his "flu" seemed to go on a long time. Despite the rush, I did go with my plans - to deliberately choose to go to someone who would push me. I did choose to find someone trained in trauma (and not someone who I might inspire to study trauma). But! I did not want to choose anyone when I was in a rush. I chose him when my old guy had been sick with COVID for months and I didn't know if he would ever practice again. I'd been thinking about finding a trauma therapist for a few months, but ideally this process would not have been quickened just because my therapist got the flu in January and was down with pneumonia and COVID. (Ideally a lot of things would be different!)
Talking to him is difficult. As he pushes me more than any therapist has done, I forget things so much when he asks hard or unexpected questions. I'm always saying, "I don't REALLY sound like this, in real life, just over the phone" or I say "just since COVID" or I say "Because it's getting too close to Sept. 11th again."
I told him I think I will feel more comfortable after sessions in person. He said he doubts it will make as much of a difference as I think. I said "You're probably right" because for some reason I keep telling this guy he's right all the time. ??? Anyone else having trouble with new T's, just in general? (For context, I've seen the same person basically weekly since 2006.) But he will be seeing patients in his socially-distanced office. He doesn't think it will make a difference. I guess we will wait and see. He said he's considering socially-distanced 6-feet apart sessions and I am jumping at the opportunity as soon as he makes it possible.
This is stressful. But maybe that is a good thing. I need to make a better life for myself even if it is just more time I can concentrate enough to enjoy outside of me and be entertained - and not bored and thinking of bad stuff and intrusive thoughts. Then the step is helping others or doing something that feels productive to me. I feel kind of useless right now.
There's a lot in there that makes me feel uneasy and unsure if I am doing the right thing.
I knew therapy with someone else would be different but I didn't know that I would hate it. I dread talking to this new guy. Problem is, I think I'd dread talking to ANYONE new. (And again, yeah, but 2005 to 2019 is WAY different from Feb of 2020 to August 2020 so I do think I have unrealistic expectations. I don't know how to talk about my life between the ages of 25 and 35. I literally spent several years watching Law and Order:SVU and my parents were just happy I was at their house and not alone in a city with horrible people due to my PTSD and bipolar. I'm a little more with it the last 5 years but a lot has happened and I have no narrative for these in-between years that I've been disabled and isolated. I don't know how to explain that to the new therapist. He's just like "How do you cope?" And I say "I stay in my safe place in my house." and that's not good enough.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do. He pushes a lot. My other therapist, I feel like he waited for me, like he was willing to get to know me before delving into the most triggering memories. New guy wants me to tell him about my flashbacks on the phone. I'm not comfortable. And he said WHY? I don't know how to answer that question.
I met this guy in person twice, in March, he's licensed, takes my insurance, I liked him well enough in person. He came highly recommended from a trusted source. I know that doesn't prove anything, but I went in and I liked what he had to say and our treatment plan seemed to sync up. But then COVID happened and so we've been talking on the phone every week or 2 since March. And he has ALL my records from my psychiatrist. But I feel really frustrated and I feel that I can't express myself well to someone new.
So now I feel like I am stuck with him ... am having a hard time figuring out what is "normal" in therapy, and what is not. I know it's not really true that he is a stranger. But it feels true to me. So I told him this has been on my mind. But then I worried he would feel insulted.
I was so embarrassed and apologized over and over. I know it drives him nuts but that's something I have almost no control over. I said it after I said "Bye". "Bye T, I'm so sorry again, okay, bye." Like a total idiot.
Part of the problem is, I felt forced to do this in a hurry. I was planning to find someone new, but in sort of a vague way like "maybe in a year or so." (Consider I've been with my old T for 15 years.) Circumstances changed it into a rush job. I didn't even know why my old T wasn't showing up starting in January; his "flu" seemed to go on a long time. Despite the rush, I did go with my plans - to deliberately choose to go to someone who would push me. I did choose to find someone trained in trauma (and not someone who I might inspire to study trauma). But! I did not want to choose anyone when I was in a rush. I chose him when my old guy had been sick with COVID for months and I didn't know if he would ever practice again. I'd been thinking about finding a trauma therapist for a few months, but ideally this process would not have been quickened just because my therapist got the flu in January and was down with pneumonia and COVID. (Ideally a lot of things would be different!)
Talking to him is difficult. As he pushes me more than any therapist has done, I forget things so much when he asks hard or unexpected questions. I'm always saying, "I don't REALLY sound like this, in real life, just over the phone" or I say "just since COVID" or I say "Because it's getting too close to Sept. 11th again."
I told him I think I will feel more comfortable after sessions in person. He said he doubts it will make as much of a difference as I think. I said "You're probably right" because for some reason I keep telling this guy he's right all the time. ??? Anyone else having trouble with new T's, just in general? (For context, I've seen the same person basically weekly since 2006.) But he will be seeing patients in his socially-distanced office. He doesn't think it will make a difference. I guess we will wait and see. He said he's considering socially-distanced 6-feet apart sessions and I am jumping at the opportunity as soon as he makes it possible.
This is stressful. But maybe that is a good thing. I need to make a better life for myself even if it is just more time I can concentrate enough to enjoy outside of me and be entertained - and not bored and thinking of bad stuff and intrusive thoughts. Then the step is helping others or doing something that feels productive to me. I feel kind of useless right now.
There's a lot in there that makes me feel uneasy and unsure if I am doing the right thing.
I knew therapy with someone else would be different but I didn't know that I would hate it. I dread talking to this new guy. Problem is, I think I'd dread talking to ANYONE new. (And again, yeah, but 2005 to 2019 is WAY different from Feb of 2020 to August 2020 so I do think I have unrealistic expectations. I don't know how to talk about my life between the ages of 25 and 35. I literally spent several years watching Law and Order:SVU and my parents were just happy I was at their house and not alone in a city with horrible people due to my PTSD and bipolar. I'm a little more with it the last 5 years but a lot has happened and I have no narrative for these in-between years that I've been disabled and isolated. I don't know how to explain that to the new therapist. He's just like "How do you cope?" And I say "I stay in my safe place in my house." and that's not good enough.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do. He pushes a lot. My other therapist, I feel like he waited for me, like he was willing to get to know me before delving into the most triggering memories. New guy wants me to tell him about my flashbacks on the phone. I'm not comfortable. And he said WHY? I don't know how to answer that question.