I genuinely don't believe i'm good enough for anything

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I graduated with a Masters of Science from University College London (ranked minimum top 5 in the UK and top 20 in the whole world) two years ago. Since then, I have never even been asked for an interview on any applications I've sent out. I look on Linkedin and see other people who've found work and almost always come to the conclusion that something must be wrong with me specifically (like my brain is so filled with traumatic synaptic connections that I'm a walking clusterf*ck, never to be hired, unloveable). I second guess myself all the time and don't believe I'm worth much at all. I deliberately dissuade myself from having dreams or considering a brighter future because the evidence at hand says that no one will offer me the opportunity for a better life.

I've had a few healthy romantic relationships but all of those eventually ended. I am terrified of attempting to cultivate new romances (even though i'm trying) because I'm convinced that, if given enough time and knowledge about myself, others parties will inevitably decide that I'm not worthy of their love and will leave as well.

I do not talk to other people about how I feel, how I think. or the few dreams I sometimes fail to stifle because then people will REALLY know how f*cked up I am... then I think about how that might just be "who I am"... a f*cked up irrational failure and that no one will ever really want to employee, befriend, love, or commit to the crazy person in the room.

I recently moved to D.C. to try and blindly, stupidly, foolishly put myself closer to the jobs I want so that maybe now they'll like me... I've managed to send out networking messages today. I don't believe any of them will write back to me (and even if they do, I don't believe the advice they may provide will get me any closer to the healthier life I've dreamed about since I knew healthy lives existed). I feel nothing but shame and embarrassment for every aspect of myself. I have an MSc and I work as a janitor. Today is not a good day.
 
Hi there. I read some of your first posts which were around this time in 2016. Is this time of the year difficult for you? I think the first thing you need to do is to identify your stressors and you can do this on your own but a trained therapist to give you input would be a major plus. Are you being counseled by someone at the moment? As far as the job search is concerned do you think you could benefit by polishing up your job seeking skills? And what I mean is when you sending out letters is there something in your tone of writing that is putting employers off? Because chances are they don't know of your mental health to automatically bar you from the hiring process so maybe you need to tweak your approach a bit. Is there a related field you could enter rather than your target career choice to get experience?

Just know you are in a good place cyberlly so please stick around. Also, job seeking is a full time job in itself so try not to get too discouraged when employers don't respond as they have to filter hundreds if not thousands of such lette

*letters so I think if you can write captivating introductions and market yourself to stand out things may sway to your favor.

Sorry I got a little button pushy on my incomplete reply above.
 
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saraemerald

MyPTSD Pro
I would definitely try and find a good therapist you are comfortable with that can help you put things into perspective and hopefully help you function better in the world. If you have been abused, that is definitely a reason you may think badly about yourself.
I know I have personally felt that if anyone knew the real me, my thoughts and fears, etc, they wouldn't want to know me. But that isn't true. I am messed up in some ways because of how poorly I was treated as a child who needed love and care and validation from my parents, but rarely got any. That affected the way I interacted with my peers. But recognizing that those thoughts and fears you have were created by someone that hurt you can help you see those thoughts are not you. Try to remember yourself and the things about life you loved when you were little.
Life sometimes hurts us a lot and makes us feel old, bitter and confused but if you shove all that stress to the side, you are underneath it all.
Hope you feel better
 

The Albatross

MyPTSD Pro
Mr. Anon - I read this last evening... but felt it was pretty important so I waited.

I don't have a Masters, I don't even have a skilled career at this point though I did at one point and I had to reflect on what the problem was.

For me... I lacked the social or the networking skills to achieve at my highest, most professional level... and though I had mentors, I had blue collar mentors who "lucked" into a degree of success and thus couldn't pass on how they achieved their career goals. Could it be that networking, a career based mentor, a head hunting agency or the skills necessary to be your own best advocate are in order?

I hope you achieve your goal. I wish I could help you more. The people in my circle didn't really have the skill sets I needed either. Do yours? If not, then maybe look for some association by volunteer or pro bono to get some cred. Local references help a lot or national companies or agencies.
 
Thanks for the responses and well wishes everyone! Many of the strategies suggested have been offered to me previously and I am trying to implement them successfully so thanks for the reminders! I'm really trying hard this week to start my D.C. networking in a very deliberate and intense way in the hopes that doing so will somehow pay dividends.


If anyone has advice on how to get a decently cheap health plan in VA that would make it so I can afford to get back into a therapist's office again I am all ears {VA didn't expand medicaid/medicare so no luck there}! If only there was universal health care in the U.S. like I had in the UK *sigh*. I'm not really making enough money to live right now (I have savings) so any therapy costs would need to be really small...


I should also mention that I want to work in international development and human rights {think tanks, consultancies, gov agencies, NGOs, programs, policies, etc}. Some people have suggested to me that I should do something like Peace Corps (and I've spent time in many countries doing field work previously). BUT I assume most people here with PTSD, GAD, Depression will understand: being placed into another country [anywhere, like, the biggest city to the smallest most remote jungle village hut imaginable] with little to no pharmaceutical or practical mental support {I checked this before considering their programs} for TWO years sounds like a ready-made PTSD trigger filled nightmare clusterf*ck. It would most likely eventually drive me insane.


I mention this to make the point: I find myself frequently (constantly?) feeling incredibly enraged and resentful that there seem to be all of these other people [that I stalk on Linkedin] who {I unjustly assume} have lived coddled, safe, non-traumatic lives and thus aren't wired to expect murder around the corner at every loud noise or surprising event and can consequently live in other places without it destroying them psychologically or emotionally.


What are strategies people here use for chronic simmering anger/rage/resentment about their PTSD? Because if we're being honest i'm f*cking awful at dealing with it and easily lose sleep over the storm beneath the surface. Thanks so much for all the help everyone. I ghost this website when I'm struggling pretty often, even if I don't post, so this has been great :)
 

EveHarrington

MyPTSD Pro
I recommend internal family systems therapy IFST for managing emotions. I use the book/workbook series called “Self-Therapy” by Jay Earley. The books can be found on amazon. I have the kindle version. I have a notebook for all of my journal notes and exercises. You can do this type of therapy with a therapist but this series is geared toward doing the work on your own. I’ve been doing it for a few weeks now and it’s amazing how much progress I’ve made in terms of managing my emotions (and I’m nowhere near the nitty-gritty deep stuff yet.)

Good luck!
 

jael

Policy Enforcement
@Mr. Anonymous
I am currently in a Masters program. I too want to change the world someday. . .And yet I feel defeated before I start. PTSD is not fair. The places I want to work the most will be the most triggering. I also can't stand self promotion so actually landing a job where I want will be very difficult.

I'm learning to take the small victories. The moments when I have confidence. The pat on the back that I usually ignore. They happen. I just haven't been paying attention. Do they happen for you?
True, I have more down days than up. I fall hard on bad coping mechanisms about once a week. But getting back up is getting easier.
I've had lots of practice. I think you have too.
 
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