I got out!


Fair bit of sobbing done today.
Did eventually remember to redirect my attention which helped a good bit.

Would like to work on this issue at some point. Dealing with people can be so exceptionally painful for me, isolation is not an option either. It frightens me that I seem to be so clueless at reading people / getting on with them.

Going away to an Autistic thing in August. It would be really special for me to have some good experiences there. A real balm.


I am getting are much more colourful
I think that's really positive, I'm the same, recently, been looking at clothes with patterns and more colour, more 'feminine' things too, I never used to look at things like that! I also used to wear lots of black.

try next week
Hopefully you'll get to the craft thing next week, is it free? What sort of things do they do, is it a variety?

counter the inner critic basically, to look at the positives. And remind yourself you've been through something that really affects your confidence, but that actually you're a good person.
That's good advice.

I wonder if we can figure out more things that will help with this? I will have a think, look around a bit 🙂
I'd like to find more things that will help, I think a big part is changing how we view ourselves. I've always been very hard on myself.

It really does feel like home
I'm so glad to hear this, I was a bit worried when you first got there but sounds like things improved since then.

dancing in the kitchen in particular. And cleaning and arranging things. And today, making my soup for dinner, with the new chef's knife, so enjoyable, almost meditative 😁

Thank you for saying you are proud of me @Lumos ❤
That all sounds like a lot of fun! I really am proud of you, you've come a long way 💜 💃✨

figuring out a grounding phrase that you can say to yourself eg I am responding to a trauma memory, but yo figure out what will work for you. I'm going to have to think about that.

Also to combine it with the larger parent figure (I told her I was trying to start doing that - hence her telling me about the bear above)

And also to deliberately spend a moment remembering how you feel / felt around others who weren't abusive and do / did like or love you
This is also good advice, I'm going to think about a phrase. I liked the bear, I tried some of the others too, the dogs made me laugh :)))

I liked this idea too, I've sort of been doing this for a while because my T suggested similar ideas last year.

what to say to people about my past and situation. Is that the kind of thing that worries you too?
It is, one of my biggest worries, really. I have started saying that I have invisible disabilities. When I typed that to an online group I joined, I noticed another member introduced herself that way too, after I had.

Sending hugs 🫂


Yes, I joke that I'll be quite the woman by the time I'm 80 ;) Eccentric too

The craft thing is free yes, I found it by joining local groups on Facebook, was by far the best source of info about things I might like. I dunno, I just need something good enough, some options so I don't get isolated. And I love anything art and crafts anyway. Fingers crossed.

Saying invisible disabilities sounds good to me. Vague enough for privacy, gut gets over the message you have challenges.

Saw an old friend yesterday, I frequently feel bad about myself around this friend. There's a lot about the situation that sets off my rejection sensitive dysphoria. For years though I've regularly sobbed after seeing this person and I don't love that for me.


Thanks, @AnD I relate to quite a few of those. Is the education around autism good in Sweden? It's still strange for me yo think about not realising something so big about myself until the age of 50! I think things are better than they were.
Do you feel like you understand your son's Autism?
He had selective mutism that helped me suspect more about his autism. And a lot of melt downs.
I am not sure Sweden has a lot understanding, but a lot of people in his class have a diagnosis, adhd or autism. Just a regular class.
I understand him to some degree. I do have a hard time being hit and yelled at. My bf has a daughter with autism too and he teaches me how to act. It's working very well. I don't like getting angry, but unfortunately I still do when there is violence or meanness. I am practicing walking away. It's going very well!


Ok so the move is mostly done, still got things to unpack, and there is some flat pack furniture arriving tomorrow that will need doing. But these are all things I can do in my own time. So I want to start back with my self care and so on. Also I want to develop a new cleaning routine. I say routine really loosely cause of the demand avoidance, more of a list of things I can do if I want, instead of a list of musts.

Kind of wish the furniture was arriving Thursday instead of tomorrow. There is an Autistic meet up happening tomorrow and I think I'm going to need to wait around for this delivery. No matter, next time.

Got some net curtains to put up in the bedroom. The first set I ordered were too short. This set are the right length but very creased. I've not used an iron - apart from needlecraft projects in forever, and the nets are polyester with no instructions. On Amazon some people asked about washing / ironing instructions and some people replied wash on a delicates cycle (my machine doesn't have one) and use a cool iron with steam. Am surprisingly nervous about this 🙄😂
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@Teasel if you don’t have a delicates setting is there a wool one? If not just do a 30minute cold wash.

If you’re worried about ironing them you could use a damp tea towel between the iron and the curtain too.

Glad the move has gone well, and hope you settle in quickly.
I’m fairly sure nowhere is as pretty as the place you were, but I hope you feel safe and at home where you are now.