Need to remember a pick up again routine and self care, 'chair' etc
Also, need to learn how better to deal with needing to rest after getting worn out. Loved my holiday but it was tiring and I just don't want to do anything now. Which I think is adding to my downward spiral.
Also there is probably kick back from the diabetes review and saying I'm proud of myself.
Also, over the course of my holiday my discipline over eating slowly went out the window.
Feeling so sad just now. But it will get better
Start with T again on thursday, albeit only for 2 or 3 more sessions, looking forward to seeing her.
So much happier since I got back home So enjoyed pottering about this morning getting breakfast and doing the housework. It is so wonderful to live in my own clean uncluttered home. Mr was a hoarder, and did almost no housework whatsoever, and actually was unbelievably chaotic, spreading mess and dirt and things everywhere within minutes of anywhere being cleaned and tidied. I mean to an extant you wouldn’t think possible. It was disgusting. And any mention of housework was pretty much the the things most likely to provoke a tirade of abuse. Asking him to do some dishes would have him raging at me. He had a whole theory of how I was making him do absolutely everything because I wanted a slave.
That became the thing he would rage about if I dared ask him to clean up a lil.
Turning round whatever I said to make that thing all my fault and an example of me abusing him.
His games worked for years, baffling, upsetting and defeating me, just completely wearing me out with incomprehensible lies, games, gaslighting, raging aggression. It was truly shocking to me, he always spoke with such complete conviction and rage, it was physically palpable, jarring, so disorienting.
The humiliation was the worst part. He loved it. After hours of trying to speak my truth and just being battered into submission he would sneer at me capitulating. It was so humiliating.
Feeling grateful. Just enjoying living here. Still slowly pottering about arranging things. Am eating healthier than I was, and enjoying making yummy meals. Also taken up my kitchen disco habit again. Even ordered a little disco light
Pick it up tomorrow heehee.
Today I'm mostly going to watch the Queen's funeral and play the sims on my laptop. I'm no royalist, but can't help being interested in what's going on.