I got out!


Not Active
I'm a bit all over the place. Went out to get a chippy tea, put on a perky voice when I saw the other residents and they were equally perky back.

I was still overjoyed when I got back to see they had gone.

But it was a relief things seemed ok.

Feeling much better but like I've lost me marbles.

It's disorientating to go from being terrified to thinking maybe my mind was all wrong. Probably things are not as black and white as all good or all bad huh.

Tis a relief to relax for a bit.


Feeling much better but like I've lost me marbles.

It's disorientating to go from being terrified to thinking maybe my mind was all wrong. Probably things are not as black and white as all good or all bad huh.

Tis a relief to relax for a bit.
ah- that is a familiar scenario to me. But - ime my mind was NOT all wrong.

This kind of not knowing what you’ll get is really distressing- and while I doubt the bucket heads are doing this deliberately to gaslight you - it is nevertheless something that I think some of us who have lived with long term relational distinction have experienced and are familiar with - I don’t pretend to know how you feel but I do think I know the scenario.

I’m actually going to see if I can find a piece of research I read . I’ll put it in my diary if I find it so you can find it when and if you want it - so as not to unkilter anything here - and there is no saying I’ll find it .

hope the chips were good!


I'm not confident this will be helpful, because I've never lived in a refuge, so I don't know what you're going through. I can't know. So if this isn't helpful, toss it aside...

Emotions can be a trigger (not news, but helpful starting point). So, when someone behaves in a certain way, and our emotional response is X, that can be a trigger.

I think it's probably more common than we ptsd folks like to admit, but that can mean that quite inadvertently (that person may just be an arse all the time!) provoke emotional response X and POW!

Next thing you know our brain is responding like this is a brand new trauma all of its own, or we're reliving past traumas again, cue total dysregulation and feeling like crap and reacting to situations like THIS person is the same as the person who caused my ptsd and all the ensuing crazy that goes with that. Flight response has kicked in and we're packing our bags and buying a plane ticket to Zambia, etc etc.

Thanks overactive amygdala, you definitely keep us on our toes!

I'm really sorry this person has left you feeling crap. Be gentle with yourself. You don't deserve to feel that way. This person isn't worth it.

And...forgive yourself for having this emotional response. You never asked to have ptsd. It makes everyday difficult situations totally overwhelming to deal with at times. And that's shit. Especially when you're working so hard at creating the life you deserve for yourself. But this will pass, and you will feel better again, and you are safe right now. Here, now, you are safe.


Not Active
Thanks @Sideways shall reply properly tomorrow, taken full advantage of the break from mental health stuff this evening, it's been such a blessed relief.

Did this lol


Not Active
I kind of don't want to go down a rabbit hole of going over what happened in the last week, it was hellish enough for me to be happy to leave it in the past.

I do know though that the bulk of what happened was down to my PTSD, said as much to the manager. I hadn't written here about what happened with the other resident, some fairly toxic behaviour set things off for me for sure, but I know someone without my baggage might think it nothing at all.

A couple nights ago I asked her about what happened, and she blamed me for it, took no responsibility and put me down quite a bit, kind of passive aggressive.

But my bringing things up did clear the air, and they both seem to be friendly enough with me now.

I'll not trust her, but I prefer things to be civil than not.

Spoke to them both briefly today.

Anyway, I had a wonderful day today 🥰 Went on a tour of the local grand house, was lovely actually, part of the tour was of some rooms normally closed to the public, nice bloke who did the tour, very knowledgeable on all the paintings and stuff.


Wish I could remember how old he said this book was, 14 or 1500's I think it was, beautiful anyway.


Turned out he's the Lord of the manor, but chooses not to use the title, and isn't at all grand. (Apart from his accent)

Found myself drawn to the paintings done by women the most. Often seems to be the case.

Was nice to spend a bit of time in someone else's world.

Was nice to get out of the house!

Afterwards went to the church, it's next to the posh house, Im not at all religious but Ive ben in this church 3 times now. I meditate in it. Thought I might do that again today but there was a wo/man? playing the organ, made a wonderful racket haha. There was a really loud metronome playing too, it all felt a bit wonderful wizard of oz / mechanical sounding spectacle.

The red glow is where the organist is


Had late lunch after in local cafe.

And I posted on facebook in a group for the town, asking about art classes, and have found a couple things that look like good possibles for me. Have emailed both to ask a few more questions.