I got out!

Teasel

Not Active
I kind of don't want to go down a rabbit hole of going over what happened in the last wee
Though it has made me realise that I massively need to re jig my coping tools. This is the second pretty big meltdown kind of thing I've had here, both triggered by some broadly toxic behaviour, but my reaction has been well out of proportion and I don't want episodes like that if I can help it.

So yeah, on the to do list
 

barefoot

Sponsor
Think it sounds very normal to me that you’ve had a reaction to their behaviours…especially because you’ve been quite isolated for the past few years so these new situations may be stretching, and especially because you have ptsd, and especially because these kinds of behaviours are triggers for you.

But, even if those things didn’t apply, I’d still reckon it’s understandable that you’ve had a reaction.

Because:


some fairly toxic behaviour

I asked her about what happened, and she blamed me for it, took no responsibility and put me down quite a bit, kind of passive aggressive.

It doesn’t sound like you’re the one who’s been out of order.

But my bringing things up did clear the air, and they both seem to be friendly enough with me now.

And this also seems to confirm that - if you’d been really out of order, I don’t think what you’d said would have resulted in clearing the air or caused them to now be friendly with you.

Glad you had a good day yesterday and enjoyed getting out and about.
 

Mee

MyPTSD Pro
Would it seem normal for symptoms to spike in my situation? Like I can see how kind of having been v sheltered for a lot of years that being in new situations now would be quite a stretch.

And I'm worried if I was out of order in the past week?

It's embarrassing not to know.
To me yes. I think it’s also relevant that you are living with other people who have developed their own behaviours in response to abuse too - we all can accept they might not be socially easy on others. So you are someone with ptsd living with other people who are traumatised ( if not ptsd sufferers) and not used to living with healthy boundaries.

You are all people who are learning to manage your own ‘stress cups’ and could do with help carrying that tray at times, yet - my guess is - all of you have low capacity to support each other . I imagine it’s got potential to me incredibly triggering and a highly reactive environment.

Out of order? What about? If you were ok . Apologise - move on. Or is this self flagellation without considering the stress you are all under?
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
That places looks beautiful @Teasel . And something to go to and be in that is good for the soul.

I also wonder if you are being a little self critical. Sounds to me, the way you speak on here and how you write and how considerate you are to everyone here, that you do know about social interaction. You are always perfectly kind and considerate and the opposite of 'put of order' on here. Maybe it's just been uncomfortable and hard this week for all sorts of reasons, and is blaming yourself or questioning yourself a pattern that you do in these stressful interactions?
 

Teasel

Not Active
But, even if those things didn’t apply, I’d still reckon it’s understandable that you’ve had a reaction.

Because:
It doesn’t sound like you’re the one who’s been out of order.

And this also seems to confirm that - if you’d been really out of order, I don’t think what you’d said would have resulted in clearing the air or caused them to now be friendly with you.
Thanks for restating all of this @barefoot yes. They have been out of order and continue to be so.

yet - my guess is - all of you have low capacity to support each other
And yet, despite the very intense reactions I've had to toxic behaviour here twice now. I have also recieved more support from these women than I have from any supposedly normal healthy people in 2 decades.
Out of order? What about? If you were ok . Apologise - move on. Or is this self flagellation without considering the stress you are all under?
I regularly have push back when I stand up for myself or put myself forward or what have you. Feelings of intense fear come to remind me of how dangerous it was to have wants or needs when I was growing up.

No self flagellation here. It's a symptom that will take a good deal of chipping away.

I also wonder if you are being a little self critical. Sounds to me, the way you speak on here and how you write and how considerate you are to everyone here, that you do know about social interaction. You are always perfectly kind and considerate and the opposite of 'put of order' on here. Maybe it's just been uncomfortable and hard this week for all sorts of reasons, and is blaming yourself or questioning yourself a pattern that you do in these stressful interactions?
Thanks. Though I might have no doubt about who is to blame for something when my mind isn't overun by the amygdala, when it is, and as I said, often after such situations I have a wave of fear.

Yesterday I felt pretty good all day, really enjoyed all the things I did. Including a zoom chat run by Mind. And we were talking about how when you are busy doing even nice things, when you get back home / settle down for the evening. Wham, it's all back there as if you never had gone out.

Last night I caught myself ruminating on this fear, the terror that you are an awful person and that is why no one likes you. - it often comes up after a good time. My ex always noticed it.

Anyways I caught myself and instead read a few tips on stopping ruminating and tried them out.

Managed to calm myself somewhat, got pulled back, calmed myself again. And so on till I got to sleep at 7am.

Had a good sort of day today.

2 zoom meets, a domestic abuse one, and Behavioural Activation. Got a few chores done too.

Some dramas with the ladies, I'd like to stay out of it. It would prolly be good for me to learn how to deal with such situations better. I used to be a people pleaser and I've changed, but it hasn't sunk into my behaviour as much as I'd like.
 

Mee

MyPTSD Pro
Radio 3,4 and 6 make the entire licence fee worth while imo ( I listen on my tv down stairs - which is otherwise so unused that someone expressed surprise that it works 😂)

And I think your tea area sounds lovely . Drinking tea can be turned into a moment of calm and appreciation .
 

Teasel

Not Active
Heehee, Got radio 6 on again, and drinking tea. 🫖🎶🎵💕

Really makes me feel at home 😊

20210911_110622.jpg
 

Teasel

Not Active
As much as I don't want it be the case I was left reeling by the behaviour of bh2 today. I mean I know that's who she is now, but it still was really shocking to me, affected me.

Yes so, I binged again.

I've been telling myself it's about her not me, making jokes about Flaky as Fuk McToxicQualities but I'm nervous. The last time this happened the same way ajd then things got really f*cking dark for me.

Manager has been away half if this week sick and is off next week on holiday.

Willing myself not to get low.

I think it would be a good deal easier if I had friends or family.

Actually I even read this week... looked up my ACE score - 6 and resiliency score - 2. The resiliency score was increased with each source of social support you had.

I'm sure it holds true for 50 year olds too tho. That resiliency is increased with each source of support you have.

If anyone can wish me well that'd be cool.
 
Top