I got out!


Feels oddly positive to have gotten over needing to be good.
Nah. It’s a thing. Really.

And it means the opposite of what most people take it as. Because it shifts from staying where you’re at, because practicing in order to GET good is too embarrassing to handle/manage/contemplate… to so. bound. and. determined. to. BE. good… that the embarrassment/self loathing/perfectionistic “never try, never fail”/and all the rest that floods in with the need to be good? Only surfaces from time to time, instead of as a shadow self constantly there.

It’s an art thing.

And it means you’re growing as an artist.

The “need to be good” supersedes “wanting to be good, but not as much as not wanting to do the work” to get there. Feeling crummy replaced with feeling determined.

When this shift happens? It means you don’t need to be good to START, but need to be good to STOP.

It’s a toooootal world view shift. And it’s a lovely thing to revel in. (Right before throwing the sketchbook at the wall and glaring at it. <<< Not joking. Pissed off, embarrassed, etc. will still happen. It just won’t stop you. Ever again. Because now? Stopping happens when you’re satisfied.

Ah. 😌 Done. …NEXT! 🤩
Instead of
“I want to but I can’t so I won’t.”😢😭
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Trip to an exhibition for the art class this morning. Not really my cuppa tea but no matter. Enjoyed asking one of the people that works there about their favourite paintings. Also asked if anything there was painted by a woman. And there was one by Angelica Kauffman who was one of the artists in a documentary I've loved watching this last week or so ~ The story of women and art. Great documentary, it was mentioned to me by one of the guides at the posh house I visited recently.

Sometimes when I'm really really low, I watch things about art conservation - things about the extraordinary lengths they go to to protect objects. Always find myself wondering at the enormous amounts of care chucked at these objects as compared to the extroadinary amount of neglect I have experienced.

Also saw a lovely little green fella - Hei-tikki, looks very like my one. It was my Dad's, bought for him by a lady from New Zealand. My dad used to do technical support on a support forum for people with a particular health problem. And he talked this lady through fixing her laptop.

The little leaflet that came with it said something about it should be given to someone intelligent or wise or something like that. He liked it very much.

Feels lovely in the hand :)



Afterwards went & visited an art shop I've been meaning to go to for months. Bought a few goodies :)

Next week we're doing sort of life drawing. As in clothed, and head and shoulders only. The homework this week is to do a quick self portrait every day. Pleased :)


Had a nightmare last night about my Grandad (CSA)

The dream was kind of detached though. Kind of about my distress without going into details of what happened.

Also - I had thought I don't have PTSD anymore, only c-PTSD but I got tested by the NHS again recently and been put forward for some help with it. No guarantees I'll get the help, and the waiting list is likely to be longer than I'll be living here for but hey.


My first self portrait today. Actually looks a bit like me. People who know me say I've made myself look older. And the look on my face when concentrating is a bit special 😆

Pleased tho eh.

Actually had a pretty good couple days. Such a relief.

Really hope that doesn't end with whoever moves in next.

Both here and at the art class, and in the Mind group to a lesser extent, I think I m experiencing what happens when anyone is around others. Something like getting your corners knocked off. And being so isolated so long, it's like I grew some pretty spiky corners.

The last 2 days I was able to appreciate, I'm living a little, and it's good. ❤