I got out!

Teasel

Not Active
Fears about inability to make friends, to function more than a few days at a time.

All the above have contributed to me feeling low a lot.

Ideas about going to college ain't gonna happen if I can't function as often as I can't.

Looking instead I might be lucky to manage one morning a week.

I suppose I'm mourning my childhood dream - always thought I'd get to my 30's and begin healing and start living. Well ok instead I met an emotionally abusive man and lost another 20 years.

I haven't been able to get on with any T or get much of anything out of T except little bits out of short bursts of cbt / act.

Starting with another charity T next week. Expectations very low indeed.

I just need to get this stuff off my chest.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
It takes time to heal T and takes time to build up how well we can function for several days at a time. Don't rush yourself. You maybe only doing one morning a week at college but you have homework assignments aswell. Starting with a new therapist will be very good for you.
 

JGirl

Confident
Oh Teasel, I can relate to you so much!
When I first kicked my x out (it was slightly different circumstances because he had hurt my daughter) I could barely function. I spent a lot of days just laying in my bed not able to do anything. It felt like it was going to last forever. But it didn't.

I was supply teaching at the time and could only manage a day or 2 a week. But then, as I got comfortable, I was able to do every day if I got calls. I still took the odd day off for myself.

I took a course at the beginning, before I was ready and I failed it. Did that suck? Sure did! Was it the end of the world? Nope? The next year I was able to do a very intense 10 week course for teaching. It was challenging, but I passed. I have been working full time for 5 years now. Some days can be a struggle. Some days are easy and enjoyable. This is true for everyone.

I also understand mourning your dreams. My dream was to have a happy healthy family, for my kids to have an amazing childhood and to grow old with my x. I also thought that I would be able to heal from my childhood, but ended up with someone who just added to my trauma. After a while I started for forge new dreams. I certainly struggle at times, but overall, my life now is wonderful. It is so much better than I could have imagined.

I also hear you about the charity T. I have gone that route too. It is definitely hit or miss, more often miss, but it is something to help you get by.

I often felt frustrated that I wasn't in a better place. Why was I STILL a mess? Looking back, I was right where I needed to be. Healing takes time. I just kept taking one little step at a time, sometimes I went forward, sometimes I went backwards, but I have come a long way and have gotten myself to a beautiful place (I have hit a recent detour, but this will pass as well). How you are feeling now is very normal for what you have been through. Here to listen to everything you want to get off your chest. It sucks! It is hard! You will get to a beautiful place too. You might not feel like it, but you are so strong! 💙
 
After I left my abusive spouse, I felt like shit for three solid years. Every single day. I did everything I could do at the time to try to mitigate the feeling, and nothing worked. Sometimes we just have to go through that. You're doing everything you can do; you can't do more than that. You WILL feel better eventually. I wish I could tell you when, but all I can do is tell you you WILL feel better some day.

And if my ex had invited me back at any point in those three years of feeling like shit, I really don't know what I would have done. But I DO know that if I had gone back, I probably wouldn't be alive right now.
 

Teasel

Not Active
Thanks everyone. Sorry I couldn't reply properly, and can't quite still but appreciate you all taking the time to write very much indeed.

Today I have more hit / been able to hit upon that point where you are able to think about how you approach things and choose to pick something thst might help you feel better or less shit or something.

Haven't been able to do so much of that recently.

I will have to check dates but I reckon I've done so badly at least in part cause of talking about overcoming self sabotage / fear of doing well etc.

Got done today something I needed to do but didn't want to and built up a whole load of avoidance anxiety over. It's good I did it, really good, though don't feel happy about it.
 

Teasel

Not Active
Was a good ish sort of day. Made it to art class.
Got the work men who are here to do something to the garden wall to get my bird feeder from behind the railings where the last lot of workmen threw it. Have put in the some fat balls and bird seed. See if we get any birds.
I can see it from my window :)

There’s a new woman here, I like her well enough on first impressions. She certainly doesn’t intimidate like C. We’ll see.

Not well now though boo, bed rest. Ache so much, fatigue, headaches.

At least I’m not currently miserable though huh.
 

JGirl

Confident
I hear you on the up and down. It might continue for a while. I am in the same boat. I find it helpful for myself to celebrate the small ups. One day they will become more frequent.
That makes it tough with her being hammered. Hopefully this is not a regular thing and it isn't too disruptive.
 
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